Hey, guys. I wrote Jed some e-mails recently, and he suggested joining this forum and posting here, so this is our conversation until now: I wanted to understand if I'm waking up somehow, or if I'm dreaming that I'm waking up or idk... so I wrote Jed:
hey jed, i read your books, but there is something im not sure i understand. you talk about awakening from the dreamstate, awakening in the dreamstate, and taking The First Step. are awakening in the dreamstate and The First Step the same thing? do they both lead to awakening from the dreamstate? how can i tell if ive took The First Step or im just awakening in the dreamstate or im not actually doing anything in particular?So Jed wanted to know why do I ask, and this is what my story looks like: (I will try to do some editing and add some points in the bottom, so Jed, you might want to scroll thru it again, if you feel like it, thanks)
Hi man...
I will tell you why I'm asking. It's because something is happening to me, and I want to know what is it. In fact, I want to know if something is really happening, or if I'm just dreaming that something is happening, I can't seem to be able to tell for myself...
So... I guess I will just tell you, and see what happens. I have never put the whole story together before, so I don't know how long or coherent it will turn out to be, but anyway, here it is.
So... Everything started like... 10 months ago. No, it may be started last couple of years, when I had some periods that I was reaaaaally really depressed... like... sometimes without a reason even... or I couldn't find the reason. idk.
Life was just getting weirder for me, and I had 2 unsuccessful relationships, lets say with girfriend1 and girlfriend2, that you will see below. So, instead of loving those people, it was more like I was addicted to them... and when things didn't work out, I was cast in those huge depressive periods, that I couldn't get out of, because i was clinging to those people like crazy. So, 10 months ago from now, when the second relationship was over with gf2, something happened. Two things happened, and I don't really remember which came first and which second. One was like a realization, a realization that I was a huuuge coward, like I've always been scared of everything my whole life, and I always worried and thought too much about everything and always desparately clung to everything. And with that came the second things, which was like... I felt a huge peace, like a great relieve of something. And I was... amazed, I was blown away by this feeling, it was overwhelming me. I was going to buy something to eat, and I was walking the streets in this quiet amazement, and I would think to myself: "Okay. What happened? Why do I feel like this? What has changed? What is different?" and all the answers that I could give to myself were: "Nothing has changed, everything is absolutely, completely normal. Everything is how it should have always been. How was I not able to see that before, how was I not able to see things like this before? This is how it should have always been, this is what being a normal person is." And, it felt like, after all the times before in my life that I had tried to change, it was the first time that I actually didn't feel changed. I felt utterly, completely normal. And I was just blown away all the time, how could I have never been like this before.
So, a friend of mine is writing me e-mails at that time, and this is a short version of our conversation: i will copy the text from the actual e-mails we exchanged.
she's like
"how are you" and im:
" im good. ive been trying to meditate lately and i figured out amazing stuff about myself...
and about *girlfriend2* too, if you want to know..."
"i feel really good lately, but not like happy, more like... more complete, thoughtful and like that... i kinda got to know myself better...
im still gloomy tho
and you? "and she is like:
"what things, tell me i want to know"and this is what i wrote to her:
"i told you. nothing is wrong with her. nothing is wrong with anybody. its just me. it has always been me... ive been like this all my life... its not only about her. its about everything. school, poker, drums, everything in my life, if im so smart and talanted at everything, why havent i ever succeed in something? why havent i accomplished one single thing in my life? why didnt i become good at at least one thing? its because im a coward, im afraid of everything, im scared of commiting to everything, and thats why i never became good at anything and accomplished anything... even when all of my friends went to the USA, i was the only one who didnt go... because i was so scared of it!!! and the thing is, i never realised it, i always found some made-up reasons for myself to believe in, not to admit to myself that im such a coward, like the things i have told you about *girfriend2*, how i convinced myself and you that she sux, when she is actually amazing and she has always been amazing to me and treated me in ways i didnt even deserve, and now you hate her, and you dont even know her, you havent even seen her but you hate her because of some stupid lies i made up just not wanting to believe that she could be real because i was so afraid of commiting to her... [...] dont be so stubborn, open your eyes... it has always been me...
but i feel like i can change, i need to change, i dont want to be a coward anymore, and my website that im now lunching is the first thing i think can be really big for me and meaningfull, and i cant be afraid to do it anymore, so im working now on it with all my energy " [...] and then, 20 minutes later I wrote another e-mail:
"gosh, even with *girfriend1*, i chased her away too, becayse i was so scared!!! jesus... everywhere in my life when i look back on now, this can explain everything that has ever happened to me...
its like the grand unified theory of the universe that the physicists are looking for and cant find out, this is the grand unified theory of my life, that puts everything together and can explain everything that ever happened to me... and i dont know how you look at this, but it feels really important to me, ive been crying yesterday and today all day and this is just overwhelming me....
and about *girlfriend2*, its the first time i had someone in my life, that was actually worth loving and worth fighting for... and i just got scared again and ran away... and i came up with those lies about her to make myself feel better, and i did feel better, but not because she was not worth it, but just because it was choking my fears and i felt better and releaved... but it was just a lie to myself and to her and to you. she was always worth it and i just got scared and ran away... ".
So, the story kinda continues from there, after I wrote those e-mails, I started to see fear everywhere, I everything that I had ever done, and in everything that I was doing even right now, I just... all I could see was fear everywhere. And in that state, I really felt like... kinda fearless, not like wreckless, but like... idk. Just all my resistance to everything was just... gone. Like... I was gone. Not that I realized that at the time, that came later, but I'll get to that if I may.
SO, in that state that I ended up being in, the fearless state, I had only one fear left. The fear that I'm going to lose it. That I will lose this new way of being, and I will collapse back to my old state of being. And this fear was slowly creeping and creeping on me, and I finally really lost it, like 1 week later. So this whole thing only lasted for a week, but here is some more examples to what it was like: first of all, talking to my friends was really weird, they would say something, and then, instead of me saying something stupid back, and then think "why the **** did i say that for?" and be embarrased or ashamed or regret it or whatever, they would say something and i would say something really cool and adequate, and then, usually at that time a thought would follow that was like "good job, man, you nailed that, that was some good **** you said", but that thought didn't follow either. Instead I would just say something really... normal... and then I would just sit there in quiet amazement of everything that was flying out of my own mouth, just somehow quietly watching it, wondering what happened to me that I was being so normal, and why wasn't I like that my whole life?
Everything I did was so effortless, and another example that struck me was, when with my friends, they offered me some joint to smoke, and I had no resistance to that either, but it wasn't like I realized that I had no resistance, but it was more like I realized how I always had so much resistance before, that it wasn't really necessary, and I did all kinds of **** while stoned, I wend to the groceries, talked to my mom on the phone, chatted with my friends, replied to some comments on youtube, usually all kinds of stuff I would NEVER consider doing before while stoned, there was no paranoia, no unpleasant feelings, no feeling that "they would know i'm high" ... all of that was gone, and everything was so normal, and I would just sit back in this quiet amazement of everything that was happening, and in that week, everything changed in my daily life, they way I practiced music on my instrument, the plans I made, ****, even the way i read books and the way i ****ing cut tomatoes for my salad changed... and I could very clearly see how I was never like that before because I was so scared of everything. So, anyway, I can go on like this for pages, describing what it was, i can ****ing write a whole book just about the **** that happened to me in that week, how my life was turned upside down and inside outs. But eventually it was over in a week and before Christmas, I was back in the depression again. And I didn't know what happened to me that week, I had never read anything spiritual back then, I had no explanation, I just remembered it like the... normalest normal week that I ever had in my whole life. And I hoped it would come back, but it didn't, and I tried to act fearless again, but I couldn't, because I felt it just wasn't right, it wasn't natural, I was acting like an fearless wannabe, instead of really being it. I hadn't done anything specific in particular before that week came, besides I was just starting to try to meditate, but I wasn't particularly good at it, and didn't know what was the point of meditation or how to do it, I just thought it was cool and somehow wanted to do it
So, anyway, that "normal week" was over, and I went on with my life, thinking about it but not really being able to explain to myself what it was and trying to be this fearless wannabe started to feel more and more hard and unnatural.
Then, 5 months later, I came to a book by Eckhart Tolle, who said "everything you think is not real, and everything you ever thought of yourself is not real, and you are ultimately not real, the "you" that you think of yourself as you, is just a product of your imagination." And then it just struck me, that that was actually true. I don't know, it just made sense to me. Then I felt somewhat excited by the thought that I was not actually what I thought I was, and I was always nothing in particular, just a compilation of thoughts that I had about myself. I never realized before in my life, that I'm not that voice in my head, I never wondered if I'm the guy who makes the thoughts or if I'm the guy who is listening to them. So it became obvious to me, that Tolle was right, but his solution to the problem was kinda simple: "Just stop thinking!", he would say. So, at that point, I learned that enlightenment existed and I started to wonder what it's like, I thought it's that - just not thinking. If you stop thinking - you are enlightened. So I tried, really hard, not to thinking about anything
All kinds of **** will happen and I will be like "act enlightened, don't think about it, act enlightened, don't think about it..." And now I realize that I was just crazily denying everything around me, instead of accepting it, so I spend around 2 months in that state, and I thought that I was happy, I even thought I had never been happier before, and then all the thoughts that I had denying and pushed back all the way just crushed over me and flooded me, and I was desparately depressed again. But the realization that I was not my thoughts was left there, inside me, and it was killing me, I didn't know what I was, who I was, I didn't know who was it that was thinking the thoughts in my head, and the thoughts were killing me, I didn't know what I was supposed to do, I couldn't do anything, because I felt like nothing had a point, and I was just imagining the point in everything and it was ultimately a lie and it wasn't true. So the next 1 month was so bad, that I literary couldn't take it anymore. I was so depressed, that living seemed just too hard of a thing to do, I decided I wasn't good at it, and I did't want to do it anymore, every moment that I wasn't sleeping was an endless struggle for me. I did't want to die, but I just didn't want to live anymore... It was too hard and had no point. I started clinging to everything, somehow desparately trying to save my self, to food, healthy eating, working out, smoking, drinking, music, everything. Eventually I got eating disorders, couldn't stop smoking, hated working out, hated music, hated everything, everything felt like a lie to me, and I couldn't see the point in anything. I continued reading books, trying to explain things to myself. Then I started reading your books, and other authors I like, like Adyashanti, Alen Watts, and others, and [ I even read somewhere, that you and Adyashanti were actually the same person
], umm, sooo... I started to get some real understanding on what enlightenment was like, and I think now that it was more like what happened to me 10 months ago, in this "normalest normal" week that I ever had, where everything was how it should have always been, instead of this Eckhart Tolle don't-think-and-you-are-enlightened thing, that felt really unnatural.
So... I don't know how to continue... I guess this is where I am right now. I don't know who I am, I don't know what is real, I can't believe and trust anybody, not even my own thoughts, I question every thought that I have and it's starting to kill me again. I'm reading your books, and I understand what you are talking about, and I like it, and it's making me feel better, but I don't know if I'm singing myself again to sweet dreams, or if I'm actually waking up? So...yeah. That's why I was asking.
p.s. I can't do spiritual autolysis, tho :/
I try, but I don't know what to write about, and nothing comes out when I sit down writing...
p.p.s. one of the biggest realizations that i had in that quiet week, was that i was afraid of everything, but instead of admitting it to myself, i always made up this lies about the situation, and believing them, not wanting to admit that i was such a coward. even now, when you started writing me back, i felt this voice in my head, telling me "hey, man. don't write this guy. this is bull****, you will be fine. things are getting better, don't write him!" but now i don't trust that voice, so i guess im just scared of you!! i am. :/ thats why it took me a whole week to write you back, because i was resisting it so much. i cant live like that anymore, being scared of everything, and making this crazy lies about everything just to sooth myself. i want to break thru to the other side, i want to see what real life is. i feel like there is no way back for me, but i cant go further either... i guess im stuck :/
the things i wanted to add: I don't really care about enlightenment. I don't even know what it is. I don't care about anything spiritual in particular, I'm not really a spiritual guy, I'm not seeking anything spiritual, or trying to become enlightened master and save the world or whatever. I just don't want to live like a coward anymore. And the thing is, I didn't know that I was a coward, until I had this one week of realization, where I couldn't see anything else but fear in all my life until that point. Now I'm back to being a coward again and not knowing it, I can't see fear anywhere now, but it's maybe what Jed said in SIE: "I coudn't see fear, because I couldn't see anythings that's
not fear."
May be it's that, idk, I just want to get out, I want to get rid of this fear that is killing me and just... be myself for 5 goddamn minutes in my life... I can't live like a coward anymore, now that I know other way of living exists. I don't want to wait to be on my deathbed waiting to die, to realize that I never really lived.