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Personal will and desire
no one:
There's a vague feeling of frustration and confusion lurking in this body/mind, and I'm doing a very good job at keeping it at bay. It comes from a desire to decrease--significantly, the time spent on reading 'spiritual' books (only thing I read), watching/listening to videos of awakened beings, and other time wasted almost daily. I am aware that, anymore, I engage in the above mentioned activities to avoid sitting with 'me.' To avoid facing truths and Truth. There is 'a part' of me that wants to grow up and face the fear...take responsibility for my 'self.' But to the best of my recollection, it's been over a year that I continue to watch myself 'make the choice' to read a book, watch a video, etc. rather than sit and look inward, at what/who is angry, embarrassed, noticing thoughts, etc. It seems to be a conscious choice. I can hear my mind rationalize that, "it's a spiritual book/video," like that makes it ok to continue acting like an irresponsible child. Ok, having some compassion for myself, I'm a normal human with lots of fear; I mean how much fun is it to learn that there is no God taking care of everything, most of all Me!.....that there is no me....that every single thing that I have ever thought, seen, heard, felt, perceived in any way at all has been a lie..wrong. A very tough thing for this ego because it has prided itself on being right most of the time. ;)
I have no idea where the desire for Truth comes from, (other than I don't like suffering, or Truth itself), anymore than I know why I like certain foods, music, my "chosen" career, etc; I can't take any 'credit' for that stuff. Is it just fear that's blocking the choice to stop spending so much time reading, watching videos, etc.? I can't make myself do anything. When things change within, and sometimes that shows externally, it's not because I changed them, something just lets go, something just shifts, but I don't do it. I'm rambling now. Can anyone relate?
I know I still have more unconscious beliefs, but do I have to uncover each one, one by one before I can realize my True Nature? ......the 'voice' in my head just said, "patience, grasshopper, patience." Sigh
Jed McKenna:
Hi No one:
Thanks for sharing. I didn't get any questions... just sounds like you are complaining about yourself to your self. How well does that work for you?
Love ya, Jed.
P.S. I suggest either do something about it or just shut-up.... or wait!!! DO BOTH.
no one:
Thank you for reading and responding to this post.
My question was, do I need to uncover each unconscious belief one by one to realize my true nature, but that’s not a very intelligent question.
Yep, definitely complaining about my self. One of the major reasons I ‘tell on myself’ is the belief, and the experience, that it helps to foster change; kind of like we are as sick as our secrets.
Ok, great advice, “do something.” As complaining is Not working! I vow to my Self, no videos for at least 3 weeks beginning today. I feel I can do that. I need to experience success. THANKS, Jed!!! I feel better already!!! It’s been difficult to keep my word to myself in the past, no problem keeping them to others, but hopefully that changes today.
Jed McKenna:
O.K. Don't let me down, Í'm watch... but not those videos.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NCtzkaL2t_Y
Well, that's a bit of a fib...
Love ya, Jed.
no one:
Lol 😂 great song. I confess: I watched the entire video. Made me smile and lol, and created a lighter feeling within. Thanks Jed/Mr. Mystery Man—MMM, hell you could be a woman for all I know. But wait, you’re not really even a ‘real’ person; you’re just a thought like the rest of us, I guess the difference would be that you KNOW you’re a thought and I just BELIEVE I am. But I am going to get the joke someday, or die trying.
Anyway, this morning as I was getting ready for work the thoughts in my mind were telling me that it would be OK to listen to a YouTube video of someone who is awake because I was getting ready for work and I wouldn’t be wasting anytime, it would be like killing two birds with one stone, and the mind thought that was a really clever idea! But something saw that and did not fall for that. Whatever or whoever saw that is more clever than the mind but this is something that confuses me too because whatever saw that I don’t think it’s my true nature.... sometimes when I’m practicing self inquiry it seems like there are a lot of ‘mes’ that is plural for, me. And not in the same way I can feel fragmented in my daily life. I sound even crazier than I usually do so in this moment I’ll take your earlier advice and shut up 🤐 now. Oh, by the way, I’m not going to let myself down regarding the vow of no videos of a spiritual nature for 3 weeks—Now I can’t get that song out of my head but that’s OK because it’s a great song
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