Regarding the "parts" of myself I referred to in an earlier post: no parts, just different thought forms/patterns passing through like the wind. One thought triggers another, triggers another which become stories--basically the same ones. Depending on the story being told, or which way the wind blows, this ego might feel like it has a purpose and even some importance, but when the story or wind changes, and shame/fear appears I just have a desire and a vision of blowing my brains out, just a desire, it won't happen---much to some people's dismay. I don't know if it's the rapid changing of the winds/life events/stories, but for the past several years the mind became extremely vicious, and just as that began to give up a little, the body began to experience physical issues, from all over muscle and joint pain daily, involuntary twitching---mostly while meditating, a few very brief seizure like episodes, body vibrates--not really bothersome, and headaches, which I rarely get, for past couple of weeks. Yes, I'm whining. Does it work for me? There's a short term sense of gain getting it out, but it obviously doesn't help over the long term because here I am.
Ahhh, yes, HERE is the only place there is to be. But my mind lies like a cheap Persian rug again, saying, "You can be in the past with your memories, or be in the future projecting a wonderful or pathetic ending." Liar, liar pants on fire!!!
It's becoming increasingly more difficult to find a place to stick my head in the sand, and I am really feeling that, along with everything else in this physical body. Most of it feels like resistance to what's happening in the moment. The upper half the body feels so tight it hurts. Maybe the viciousness began increasing because I began to start catching on to something several years ago. I just know that I like my non dual experiences and I would like to get established there. It bothers me a bit that I want that more when I'm stressed or suffering, than I do when there is an absence of stress or suffering. Before the booby prize of 'enlightenment,' I'll take the consolation 'prize' of knowing that I don't know anything for sure and I'm not AS unconscious as I was just a couple of years ago.