You got you confused. Does it matter what either of us thinks?
Coming back to it, it's not fair but definitely enough.
Now when looking at it and going back to those moments of up bringing it makes me even angry. Remembering all the conversations with adults who keep saying that you have to choose the school, what do you want to be when you grow up, you have to study ... and I had totally no idea what I want to be. I didn't even know what to wear since all the clothes I found carried a role. I just wanted to stay at home naked not to need to play any (and got the role of a hippie.) So, I feel it wasn't fair and it isn't. But also it is my own story still whining about it. Not knowing how to play and rather stepping out of it and let others play.
Still I am in a role. In a role of an "outsider" or something. Not knowing and being insecure with it.
Now it comes more alone than with people. With people I've noticed we always pour ourselves out of us and enjoy if we are given space as me here. So there is no need to know. But alone it is harder to be without definitions. I have started to panic seeing through my lies and noticing how insecure, changing and unstable my thoughts and identity are.
When needing to present yourself as somebody, even to yourself, you have to control so much of the existence that no wonder we get anxious and it gets hard to breath. You have to decide which thinking patterns you download and then work with those every day. Somehow the cement sets at some point and one has less and less space to be whatever pours out.
In my personal case which now is teh most important topic it seems that the self-esteem has been dependent on other peoples approval and admiration. I've thought that completing things and performing perfectly make people admire me and that is what I think should happen for me to be good enough to exist. There is very little space to fail. Being nobody seemed like a failure. But this performance is a forever failure since it has nothing to do with what I want. Everything comes from the outside.
And being able to fail there is still a story of failure and success.
Keeping coming to a question that if letting go of projecting that somebody and working in the world, how can on support her/himself. It's mostly a financial concern.
Surely is only a thought and if the letting go actually happened I have no idea how it would be. As you said, letting go is an idea as well, there is nothing concrete to let go of. '
That fear is unreasonable as any and now it comes clear that there is no reason to carry it. It can't go any worse. Can it go?
This was probably an incoherent and irrelevant post but what can you do sometimes cleaning is.