Author Topic: post  (Read 1563 times)

guest1310

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« Reply #30 on: May 23, 2017, 06:40:55 am »
What I'm gonna do? Absolutely nothing but watch.

All the emotional and mental movement is superficial & resonance, none of it generates from within. Yet there is kind of admin running the responses somehow (I.) It is all reactions to reactions. It is not me talking, talking is happening if I don't just shut the mouth. (Sometimes shutting it is easier than other times.)

Working as a teacher today. Children learning to count and write, basic tools. One asked "why we need to study?" Then "Why we need a language?" and the last question was "well, if we didn't learn anything or had a language, we wouldn't exist."

But why say "just a story?  ::)

guest1310

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« Reply #31 on: May 23, 2017, 08:45:18 am »
I remember knowing when I was a child. Still in the teenager years. How did it happen? What was it on the threshold of the "adulthood" when all the madness started to rush in? Why do we stop being and start panicking?

Becoming somebody has been a great struggle.

Stages:

- Just being and investigating
- Knowing there is no truth, playing with imagination
- Being nobody
- Getting out from school, need to support yourself
- Noticing that other people seem to be somebodies, they asking who you are
- Not wanting to become anybody but thinking I should
- Trying to find out who that somebody should be or what to identify with
- Working hard to reach it
- Forgetting it was all about imagination
- Remembering it again
- Being trapped ( running circles in the deep grooved neurological pathways ) in being somebody

Fair enough.

Jed McKenna

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« Reply #32 on: May 24, 2017, 04:43:56 am »
Is it really fair? Is it enough? I'm just asking because it's what you think that matters... yeh, sure... well, it matters more than what I think... or does it. Now you got me confused. But, that doesn't matter.

Love ya, Jed.

guest1310

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« Reply #33 on: May 24, 2017, 10:29:24 am »
You got you confused. Does it matter what either of us thinks?  8)

Coming back to it, it's not fair but definitely enough.

Now when looking at it and going back to those moments of up bringing it makes me even angry. Remembering all the conversations with adults who keep saying that you have to choose the school, what do you want to be when you grow up, you have to study ... and I had totally no idea what I want to be. I didn't even know what to wear since all the clothes I found carried a role. I just wanted to stay at home naked not to need to play any (and got the role of a hippie.) So, I feel it wasn't fair and it isn't. But also it is my own story still whining about it. Not knowing how to play and rather stepping out of it and let others play.

Still I am in a role. In a role of an "outsider" or something. Not knowing and being insecure with it.

Now it comes more alone than with people. With people I've noticed we always pour ourselves out of us and enjoy if we are given space as me here. So there is no need to know. But alone it is harder to be without definitions. I have started to panic seeing through my lies and noticing how insecure, changing and unstable my thoughts and identity are.

When needing to present yourself as somebody, even to yourself, you have to control so much of the existence that no wonder we get anxious and it gets hard to breath. You have to decide which thinking patterns you download and then work with those every day. Somehow the cement sets at some point and one has less and less space to be whatever pours out.

In my personal case which now is teh most important topic it seems that the self-esteem has been dependent on other peoples approval and admiration. I've thought that completing things and performing perfectly make people admire me and that is what I think should happen for me to be good enough to exist. There is very little space to fail. Being nobody seemed like a failure. But this performance is a forever failure since it has nothing to do with what I want. Everything comes from the outside.

And being able to fail there is still a story of failure and success.
 
Keeping coming to a question that if letting go of projecting that somebody and working in the world, how can on support her/himself. It's mostly a financial concern.
Surely is only a thought and if the letting go actually happened I have no idea how it would be. As you said, letting go is an idea as well, there is nothing concrete to let go of. '
That fear is unreasonable as any and now it comes clear that there is no reason to carry it. It can't go any worse. Can it go?

This was probably an incoherent and irrelevant post but what can you do sometimes cleaning is.

Jed McKenna

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« Reply #34 on: May 25, 2017, 11:55:29 pm »
Thank you for that... what you say indicates to me that you are making progress (whatever that might be).

Don't fret about playing a role... every human does... right now I am playing the role of teacher, but I never believe that role. Playing is infinitely more fun than believing.

Love ya, Jed.

guest1310

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« Reply #35 on: May 26, 2017, 12:55:46 am »
It has been nothing but fretting omg.

Thank you.

It seems like so few sees they're acting all the time. So e realize it very well aNd have so much energy, thats visible.

I've said to be a "good actor" " should go to work in theatres" - well wtf is this all but if not it. All the time trying to put on something that'd fit, I've been in pain with my own incapability to be honest and real. That I have no idea of honesty. Can we have? Is it just my own Disney fantasia (made up by the age of 4-6) to get my heart, thoughts and actions aligned with the core.

I have felt too bad with the roles. There is endless amount of ingredients /capabilities / emotions / behavioural patterns / demo s inside of us. Its not fun, when what you are changes to somebody else and feels as true as your older role - because it exists somewhere all the time. We just choose the avatar mostly by random. I've been afraid of the roles because the opportunities are endless. Somehow I just decided to close my mind of too much information and pretend Im not playing.

Sometimes it seems like everything is said and done already. If I try to intervene too badly and change something, it doesnt work. Like if Im trying to go too far from the track or dont follow the program of mine.

Pffff.

Have a lovely day, Jed!


Jed McKenna

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« Reply #36 on: May 26, 2017, 01:27:51 am »
Heart, aligned with, honesty... sheesh, where you do get this stuff... from books on enlightenment?  :P :P :P

Please stop wasting you time on such unproductive concepts.  You want some idea what it means to be honest try a day or two of full on, extra-effluent, lying. I'm not joking... just lie like a Persian silk rug. Maybe you can only do it for an hour, you might love it and not be able to stop. Who cares?

There is something hidden there for you. Let me know when you find it.

Love ya, Jed.

P.S. I'm not kidding. Don't tell people you are lying. JUST LIE!

guest1310

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« Reply #37 on: May 26, 2017, 01:47:30 am »
by age of 4 I could barely read, so there wasnt a book of enlightment, Ive got no clue where this little obsession came from.

I've seen myself lying a lot, telling big time stories, everyday. The bigger the lie, more interesting it gets. Most often all the stories come true. Thats how Ive played. Just tell a story and see it manifests. No story is more true than another. It seems impossible to exist without any. Just like a monk in the orange gown we are all wrapped in some kind of a myth. Maybe because of just being exhausted with all  lies I have wanted to find the truth

Lets give it a shot. Just thinking of lying with a intention of lying gives my belly a twist. As if I was about to steal something or give a speech. Well, it is about both. Im afraid of getting caught. :D

Ill let you know if something is found or when I **** it all up.

 8)

Jed McKenna

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« Reply #38 on: May 26, 2017, 07:02:24 am »
My intention was, rather obviously, to give your belly a twits.. now to do it.

Love ya, Jed.

guest1310

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« Reply #39 on: May 26, 2017, 07:47:36 am »
You little may I say what! I can't decide lying, there is no such option in my menu. Everything I speak of comes from what I sense and which thoughts appear true for me. I know they're not really True  but to go beyond what I think is true and speak seems impossible

guest1310

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« Reply #40 on: May 26, 2017, 09:06:00 am »
Actually, the more I try to lie, the more straight I happen to express what I sense or see or think. Ragr and frustration pouring out. And I see that I know nothing of honesty or the concept of honesty doesnt exist. My idea of honesty is a lie, and filtering the expression to project what I think the ideal me should be like.

If Im frustrated and express it straight, its not pleasant or good behaviour but in that moment it can very well be more honest than try to behave and communicate well. People get mad, for their own reasons and we are in the middle of a conflict which Im always trying to avoid.

Why should I try to tell more lies that I actually am at the moment with the stories I happen to live?

guest1310

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« Reply #41 on: May 28, 2017, 04:20:00 pm »
Ok, the days have passed and I haven't been able to decide telling a lie, not even a small one. The concept doesn't exist anymore.

But coming to all that I have spoken, even if speaking from my current "truth", none of it true. Everything made up. Not new to anyone, but very visible to me now. Lots of frustration and exhaustion coming up. How come it is so hard to just make up something else and pretend its true? Thats how it is with everything. As Murakami put it: The cement is set and the me that I am cannot be anyone else.

I guess we have a There's no coming back before learning the thing - situation here.


Jed McKenna

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« Reply #42 on: May 29, 2017, 06:30:04 am »
Are you still lying... to me?  ??? ??? ???

Love ya, Jed.

guest1310

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« Reply #43 on: May 29, 2017, 07:59:05 am »
Of course not, how can you even imagine I would lie to you ? What do you think of me :o

guest1310

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« Reply #44 on: May 29, 2017, 08:40:11 am »
Ok the me who is not me is not lying or being honest to anyone.

All the dreamy thoughts that keep it walking (or running or biking) around like a zombie in a survival mode are made up by something I have no idea of.

None of the ideas or the concepts are not mine. And still I witness them from every **** morning I start to come back to the game. Im so **** tired of playing. Tired of trying to make a living here. Tired of the people around. Tired of every thing that occurs. Feels like I could just close my eyes and drop to the sleep and stay there forever but the cycle appears as a never ending story, the mind keeps me busy. Mostly thinking how to earn my living. Constant stress. Except for a little pauses when I can just teach dance or dance or do yoga. That's when the madness stops and I just get to witness perfection in creation, how the words are pouring out from my mouth and bringing joy / healing / whatever the participants are willing to take from the play / happens. That's when not tired. Other times, like now, oh my god.

Im getting mad at other people for just existing. Annoyed if someone speaks too loud. From 0 to 100 if I cant drink my morning coffee without somebody whining around me.
Im just tired of this all and the process that happens here whatever it is makes me exhausted.

Lost the ability.

The thoughts are circulating in my mental field and I just witness them being there and knowing sooner or later they'll appear in the show. All the dreams coming true in the dream. That's how it has functioned. Still I seem to have very little control upon the thoughts and what happens. Im not the one controlling the thoughts. They just occur. They could very well be whatever else but they're not.

//: edit  - clarifying and adding:

I bet the aim of this forum is not to lead naive people like me to mental hospital.

Im burning out, visibly, it's hard to explain in words but if you'd see this face. It drains. This being is draining. Mentally, physically, what's the difference.

Then again an energy burst. There are so much thoughts, mind is building universes and creating societies and then demolishing it. Imagining beauty and probable realities. We could build whatever we wished and this is all we were able to make up? Honestly? Then again looking at this mind and its unstable waving, no wonder.