Author Topic: Pretending to Choose | Abiding Until Clarity (+whatever's new)  (Read 800 times)

jjh11

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After a fun few years of self-willed (segregated) journeying, I washed up back on the shores of my childhood home. 

I have spent the last few months watching as these people known as Parents push buttons 100% of the time.  I have come to see that any and all reactions that leak out towards "Them Out There" as being a "source of the problem" is like dropping down a rung into Maya's playpen.

This family in particular seems to have a massive darkside.  The blindspots have followed me in all attempts to relocate geographically and sabotaged attempts to settle into non-dependent sustainable living.

I have since taken on a sort of Martyr role... abiding in hell here, potentially to touch on (whatever) that may enable leaving home "once and for all." It feels far from healthy, but when it comes to the "segregated state", I appreciate this potentially-direct view into whatever started forming ~25 years ago.

Q: Do you see any potential benefit here (towards HA at least) or maybe moreso just messing up my health with no potential benefit? Maybe I have to "just choose" to leave again, and do any necessary emotional work in therapy etc?

I know you've said the "First Step" is nonvolitional when the rope runs out, and this feels related, but I can't be sure.  I do know I have been "bleeding out" fast and ideally want to be in a stable and healthy environment for whatever comes next. Cheers

« Last Edit: March 29, 2017, 01:43:29 pm by jjh11 »

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Jed McKenna

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Re: Pretending to Choose | Abiding Until Clarity
« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2017, 12:29:26 am »
Dear JJ:

Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post.

If you want a stable and healthy environment, I suggest you become ''stable and healthy'' because your environment is completely made up... you? well that might be made up also... look and see.

Love ya, Jed.

P.S. It's never about them and always about you.

jjh11

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Re: Pretending to Choose | Abiding Until Clarity
« Reply #2 on: March 23, 2017, 05:27:00 pm »
This has been a very "fun" few days

In another thread you wrote,

Quote
there are no others out there, other than an appearance in the dream.
and then
Quote
If something is really bothering you about someone they may be genuinely toxic.

So, if there are genuinely-toxic-dream-characters/patterns in this home-dream-environment, and "it's always about me",

It may solely be narratives attached to ["on my end"] (???) that are keeping a proper response from arising towards these "actual energies" in the "actual environment". (In this case, there may be a huge storehouse of emotion in store, for better or worse)

The feeling remains, that (something) needs to be Grokked to really get the juices flowing.  Perhaps to truly See that these toxic energies are actual and not just story-based emotional states.  I really don't want to end up in another repeat copy-environment in another location again. (or maybe I "do"...)

I've been halfway hesitant to post this, it feels mostly like just getting things clear, although this feels like a "sticking point" that is/will be very common/central and therefore useful in the search bar blahblah.

PS: Would you prefer I ask any "unrelated" questions here or in a new thread?
« Last Edit: March 24, 2017, 12:34:32 am by jjh11 »

Jed McKenna

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Re: Pretending to Choose | Abiding Until Clarity
« Reply #3 on: March 24, 2017, 12:42:22 am »
Stick to this thread.... and only ask questions about things and experiences that you related directly to you.

Love ya, Jed.

jjh11

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Re: Pretending to Choose | Abiding Until Clarity
« Reply #4 on: March 24, 2017, 01:31:24 am »
Cool.  The above does refer to "where I'm at now" although again, maybe BS and hiding in truth. 

I've felt depersonalized/derealized/dissociated for years now, to the point of denying the reality of emotional issues altogether (seen as attention-ploys around no-self void) (is that what this topic is?)

  It's actually felt pretty clean and truthful, but closer investigation and experience has led me to consider there's at least a partial reality and importance to getting (whatever) resolved. 

It does feel like a "emotional dump" is in store, and wondering how best to handle that considering the possibility it's been super-denied.

No real questions again.  It's good to be here.  I type a lot and see through it and delete and .  Well.  I'll return if and when there's something fun.


« Last Edit: March 24, 2017, 01:45:15 am by jjh11 »

Jed McKenna

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Re: Pretending to Choose | Abiding Until Clarity
« Reply #5 on: March 24, 2017, 06:13:28 am »
Guess what? Further.

Love ya, Jed.

jjh11

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Small update: "Person wanting to benefit from parental killing" is disappearing.  Studying each parent's respective toy steering wheel to the point where I can understand it enough to cheer their "driving" on (rather than insist vocally or internally that it's just a toy wheel) has felt like a key.

Still working on how to cheer on the aspect of their "driving" that is convinced I'm sitting inside of their car, though.

(~) <- topical break

I really like the "Cleaning the prism" analogy, it feels very relateable in direct experience... I'm wondering: does this/can this intersect at all the "Plato's theater" analogy?

It would seem like clearing up a dirty projector lens would lead to a clearer/more immersive movie and such, but I'm not sure how this relates to the person who is/isn't chained to the seat, or opening up further areas of the theater. 

I've been sensing that "the prism" may end up to be much more multi-faceted than it seems at first, where "the prism" as it seems during one phase of cleansing may later reveal itself to be a subset of a larger prism that refracts ever wider areas of light.  Man that sounds fancy. I like visualizations though.

(Moreso a curiosity/fascination question rather than a "could die tonight" question, that's for sure.  It does feel like something that can't help but squeak through though.)
« Last Edit: March 29, 2017, 02:18:28 pm by jjh11 »

Jed McKenna

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Keep cleaning that lens...

Love ya, Jed.

jjh11

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I poked around and found these...

-Importances: I have felt borderline vegetative in daily life, maybe based on the dissociation from "past stuff" - Paralysis and reactivity to triggers is extremely persistent and I've felt that healing doesn't need to be complicated.

-Masts in India.  Reading about them produces an extremely uncommonly "real-feeling" emotional response, maybe an instant reminder of how flimsy this holding-on and prolonging of the false is. As important as HA is, what I mentioned above feels like it's blinding the process.

I don't know the difference between the "death/rebirth" that can lead into HA and the God-realization that can leave you a wandering incompetent idiot. It feels like the latter.

It looks like the Importance lessons are included in the Nav Series and it looks like the Nav Series is only for the "deadly serious".  Reading about the Masts is like dipping a toe in to how serious this (life) really always is... then the habit state (which is like a thick complacent fog in an ocean of seriousness) seeps back in ... maybe because it's the only state that feels functional enough to carry out a job. I'll leave it there...

Thank You
« Last Edit: March 30, 2017, 09:03:20 pm by jjh11 »

Jed McKenna

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Good observations... don't let them become limitations.

which is like a thick complacent fog in an ocean of seriousness...love it, sounds like and ice cream sunday... put a little ''importance'' on top.

Love ya, Jed.

jjh11

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sweet pun

"Just breathe, all is taken care of" sounds like something Winston heard on his way to 101.  Or something Penelope Cruz says to Tom Cruise/Spain Cruise in bed.  What's the distinction there?  Seems like breathing + extreme skeptical doubt is nice.  Wait.  Who are you? Are you actually the author or just some savvy dude who started a forum? Wait is this the same reality as yesterday? Wait

Jed McKenna

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It's quite simple... in Truth, I am you. You put me here in order to answer your questions and guide, at least a little.

Now, are you listening? After going to the trouble of creating me, that would be the wise thing to do.

So... relax, breath, be patient and gentle... I am closer than your next breath... BTW, might want to brush your teeth. Good dental hygiene is important for all super heroes.

Love ya, Jed.

jjh11

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Where you write about the Little Bastard and how it belongs to Life itself, the distinction there feels blurry in not getting mixed up with meddling self-interest or divisiveness.

"Thy Will Be Done" feels noble and spiritual and surrendery, yet if Thy Will involves a scenario like Schmidt Nicholson wanting to speak up at the wedding in About Schmidt, I wonder if his neglecting to do so is essentially a sense that stirring things up and causing trouble is "My Will" rather than "Thy Will".

Imperfect track record with the teeth by the way.  (Better than before.)

Jed McKenna

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What is all your silly babble about Schmidt... and trust me ''Thy'' will is always being ''done''. How would it not. It's comes down to a question of are you going to waste energy resisting it of just watch and enjoy the show ''he/she/it'' is putting on for you.

Love ya, Jed.

jjh11

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Quote
It's comes down to a question of are you going to waste energy resisting it of just watch and enjoy the show ''he/she/it'' is putting on for you.

There has been a conflicting sense between "a show being put on FOR me" and "a show being put on for ME",

where the former can be all great and gravy and maybe an entry-point into not feeling so dissociated (segregated -> integrated state etc)

and the latter can be some kind of Maya-based scheme of sorts that is geared towards sucking ME in, in a not-so-great way... a ME that has no reality "but", since I've been mis-taking it to be real, it's like "OK HERE YOU GO, HAVE AT IT" and I feel to discern ahead of time that it's an empty dead end for nobody, so, "back to square one" AKA not touching the show and "burning it"/abandoning whatever seems to be a reliable course.

Especially when things seem great and attractive and reliable, there's some part of 'me' that senses danger or fishy-ness and it feels more truthful to not bother, which usually ends up looking like withdrawal and disappearing from that avenue of people/places/things. This may be excessive and unhealthy, however it's felt pretty difficult to find any sense of Truthful engagement or "playing along" with what's seemingly being laid out, it all feels like trickery and traps.

Question? Um.  What role does trickery play in the show / what do you consider a healthy level of "vigilant skepticism?"
« Last Edit: November 11, 2017, 08:25:51 pm by jjh11 »