INVISIBLE GURU FORUM

Got "it". This is no joke Jed, but you know that.. marriage gone, children gone (half of the time), money gone, house gone, illusions gone, universe gone, solid ground gone... i'm flat broke, my life is a pile of ****.. did a lot ****, alcohol and all other kinds of **** to keep me away from 'the thruth'. But i can let that all go now.. i can be honest now, finally i can go... further...  and this time the direction can only be up. Start building and stop destroying. It's cold down here.. and lonely.. but f*ck it . i'm still alive!!! I was two inches away from killing myself. For the first time in my life i'm starting to feel appreciation and love for this thing called life and every part of the man that i am. It's all me here...  I've gone totally mad in the last couple of months.. some sort of psychotic episodes.. wich reminded me of my mom (paranoide/schizofrenic).. she killed herself years ago. After another quite destructive weekend where i spent all my money on drugs, gambling and other stupid **** I was packing out some old boxes, read one of the last letters she wrote to me where she described who she was and the **** she was dealing with.. and there was a loud click and many, many, many.. yeah.. many tears. Of anger, joy, recognition, happiness, madness, acceptence... stopped running away from and now moving towards.

I finally got my head out of my ass. I can breathe again.. i can learn accept who i am and everything that's in there. And i can finally start cleaning up my ****... physically and mentally.

And yeh.. now everything you're saying here to all these people makes complete sense. And i wouldnt want people to know my real name either if i were you..

This is where it starts. You right.. it's better to grow up a little first. And it's, indeed and ofcourse, the one thing i absolutely didn't wanted but i'm happy i got it.
Lots of work to do...
Jezus ffing christ how ignorant can a man be... and how much do you need to break down to face the obvious.

I hope this message can be somebody elses breadcrumb somewhere down the road...

Well.. right on time..
And Eddy sang the words...

Oh I, oh, I'm still alive
Hey, hey, I, oh, I'm still alive
Hey I, oh, I'm still alive

Thanks Jed and all you people on this board who are willing and daring to share there processes.
It really helped me to open my eyes.
Happy to be alive! For the first time.... wow!