INVISIBLE GURU FORUM

For the latest let's say 20 years I've been mostly lost and suffering. For maybe five years in between I had a connection with the space within that Knew in indescribable ways. Last years utter nonsense and surviving in panic mode following whatever instructions to get along here.

Now the last three weeks been in a paradise with nothing to do. So much pain coming up. More than a million painful stories contained in the system. Nowhere to runaway from them.

There is reluctance in the mind but same time strong desire to see through. To really sort it and end this nightmare of never ending drama.

Hardest thing ever to be, do nothing and see what's going on up there.

Writing here again to reflect. To learn.

How to keep on pushing through?
When the system is crashing down, when it just wants to hide and sleep, drown in coma, as if unwilling to live?
When the mind is full of dark heavy ****, full of fear, thick as cement?

I'm watching and listening.
Find nothing to answer.

The closer I look, more all seems to melt away. The life force, desires, directions.
There is nothing to do, nobody to be.

Stuck in silence, in a place where I don't enjoy to be but as if I stopped caring. Just passively waking up,  watching the daily drama, sleeping again.

The "I" that is happening here is a battlefield (surprise for all) where it seems to want to destroy life.
Aware of that, there's a desire to destroy the battle. A desire to master the bullshit. I am asking for help since I've lost the interest in the drama outside and seem to be stuck in the silence. Tamasic silence. 

What are the questions I should ask to go further?

The closer I look, the more tired I get. Why?

Finding a reason is figuring out another story and this no way out of them. Still a story.

Whatever I write is a story.

Whatever is, is. Converted through my words, turned out to be a story, not truth.

Yes yes better write the stories as I wish. No wait. Who makes the wishes?

Seems impossible to exist without any. Is it?

So basically you're pointing to the thing that whatever seems to exist, doesn't.

I can repeat the sentence: everything that seems to exist, is an illusion. Still I dont have it by heart.

The sensory experience exists somehow, somewhere, because there is awareness that perceives this all.

Lately I've started to become more and more aware of the stories chosen about me and "my relationships" etc. - the Shakespeare. Obviously not true, relatively easy to see them changing and to change them.

Now I'm facing the ocean, the rocks, the moon, the stars, the space, this human body. This you can't get rid of so easily. Where is it? How could we perceive it if it didn't exist?

Its leading to confusion. What is there to get? You do "the work" and it all vanishes? Where to? And what is left is the truth? The grande field of awareness? And beyond that, is there something? ("Go figure")

Being executive with the language: how to define what means to exist, how do you define it?

1 simple question:

How to do the real work?

Ok so bring it on.

How to proceed?