Author Topic: Riding the ox  (Read 4566 times)

marcusfable

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 131
    • View Profile
Riding the ox
« on: January 31, 2015, 05:11:25 pm »
Hi Jed,

First of all I should mention that I was dragged kicking and screaming for most of the unwinding that has taken place. The ego (I kinda hate that term for all its misleading connotations, but hey, it seems appropriate now) did not want this waking up business at all. It resisted it with everything it got, but nonetheless here I am, despite myself. Still not quite there yet, but with my 'first step' well behind me.

At this point I'm starting to let the ox do the riding, while keeping my eyes and ears open, not even wanting to interfere too much with what is happening. Mainly, just trying to be honest to myself to the best of my ability.

I don't really have a question. Most questions have disappeared.  So, I have no real reason to post a message other than To say hey, and maybe go back and forth about some things if that's ok.

I should also mention that in the past six months I have had a few private talks with someone who is fully awake and who also has some fully awake students to show for. He has been a very helpfull iconoclast indeed. But still, I would like this opportunity to speak to you.

There has been more and more silence (I find that silence is the answer asking questions brings me to) and an ever decreasing sense of a someone who is doing things. Choices are being made all the time and like the oracle said in the matrix I no longer feel it is not my place to make choices but rather my place to understand the choices that were made. I, for instance, know that I am not an interested, caring therapist (I work in mental health care) as I once liked to think. The truth is that some of the the time It takes considerable effort to care and be interested which offcourse means that interested and caring is not who I really am. This realisation is not a choice I made. It is just a truth I am now aware of (this is the understanding part).


Kind regards,

Marcel



Social Buttons


Jed McKenna

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 10209
    • View Profile
Re: Riding the ox
« Reply #1 on: January 31, 2015, 06:44:25 pm »
Hi Marcus:

Welcome to the forum and  thank you for you brevity and sharing. Just wander back any time you like. I'm glad to hear you are making progress.

Love ya, Jed.

marcusfable

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 131
    • View Profile
Re: Riding the ox
« Reply #2 on: January 31, 2015, 08:03:33 pm »
Thanks Jed,

By the way, any  weirdly constructed sentences or misplaced use of words is probably mostly due to the fact that I'm Dutch.

Oh and just out of curiousity I want to ask you if you had the experience of knowing your journey was almost over. I ask you this because the last couple of days i've been having the sense  of a job almost done.

Now I don't mean to say that being awake means that there is nothing more to uncover. From what I gather awakening is an infinitely continuing process. And God knows I am only too human, weaknesses and all. But offcourse part of waking up is realizing that enlightenment doesn't make you perfect or any less human, just awake. The 'done' part just refers to the annihilation of identification with anything other than the truth (and I suspect this also does not mean that one is never tempted, however shortly, to identify again).
Like Like x 1 View List

Jed McKenna

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 10209
    • View Profile
Re: Riding the ox
« Reply #3 on: January 31, 2015, 08:11:02 pm »
Dear Marcus:

Don't worry about your English.

I used the word ''done'' without fully explaining it. You are never really done because infinity is infinite. It's like an onion that just starts pealing itself, disclosing more and more and more, all in total newness.

Love ya, Jed
Like Like x 1 View List

marcusfable

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 131
    • View Profile
Re: Riding the ox
« Reply #4 on: January 31, 2015, 08:54:56 pm »
That is indeed what its like for me. Its both realizing new things and seeing old things, but then so much clearer. And then the next time, clearer again.
And the clarity always seems to result from a falling away of something, that is why its seen so much clearer. It is never the result of an adding on (e.g. a better mental understanding or theory, as is commonly thought by people in general).

So I guess being 'done' refers to not having questions anymore, being clear on what you are not and also the realization that everything unfolds, and keeps unfolding, and just following it where ever it goes.
Like Like x 1 View List

Jed McKenna

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 10209
    • View Profile
Re: Riding the ox
« Reply #5 on: January 31, 2015, 09:03:26 pm »
Not a bad way to express is... in words ??? ??? ???

Love ya, Jed.

marcusfable

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 131
    • View Profile
Re: Riding the ox
« Reply #6 on: January 31, 2015, 10:14:21 pm »
Ha,ha... Yeah, isn't that the  ''d***dest thing' ?

But I guess this back and forth thing, although I indeed do get a little hung up on words, is about clarifying for myself whether I'm done or not. And I'm starting to realize that what's keeping me from actually acknowledging that is, by lack of a better way to say it, the idea that there is still stuff to do, because there will always be stuff to do. But I realize there are no real questions left to ask, and although there are certainly still tendencies to  identify with a me, this is no longer identified as a problem. Instead there is growing trust in life, in all of its unfolding. Offcourse, none of that is the last word on being done (there is not going to be a last word, a final pass). What is important however is the simple realization that...and this feels very hard to say because it scares the hell out of me... I'm done.

I do hope I make some sense.

Kind regards,

Marcel

marcusfable

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 131
    • View Profile
Re: Riding the ox
« Reply #7 on: February 01, 2015, 06:00:18 am »
Hi Jed,

Forgot to thank you, so, thank you.
By the way, I still feel shaky (in a rather unpleasent way). Part of me wants to hold on still I guess. Or maybe Its just a reflex. i don't know.

Jed McKenna

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 10209
    • View Profile
Re: Riding the ox
« Reply #8 on: February 01, 2015, 07:43:58 am »
Just stay in ''I don't know" you need to no more.

Love ya, Jed.

marcusfable

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 131
    • View Profile
Re: Riding the ox
« Reply #9 on: February 01, 2015, 08:15:56 am »
Yeah, You're right.
I guess I just needed to hear that.

All I know is that I know nothing, like good old Socrates said. Never knew he might have meant to say: I know nothing so nothingness is what I know.

marcusfable

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 131
    • View Profile
Re: Riding the ox
« Reply #10 on: February 01, 2015, 03:17:31 pm »
Hi Jed,

Falling  in the void with nothing to hold on to.
Dear me, how are we going to survive under these conditions. Ha, ha. (sorry, little black humor).

Still shaky, but starting to enjoy the ride.

Jed McKenna

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 10209
    • View Profile
Re: Riding the ox
« Reply #11 on: February 01, 2015, 11:20:05 pm »
Further:

Love ya, Jed.

marcusfable

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 131
    • View Profile
Re: Riding the ox
« Reply #12 on: February 02, 2015, 02:23:39 am »
Hi Jed,

Went further.
Ditched Socrates.
All by my lonesome now.
No defining, equating, outside referral, words, grasping.
Feeling....peculiar...
Nothing more coming up right now. We'll see.

Jed McKenna

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 10209
    • View Profile
Re: Riding the ox
« Reply #13 on: February 02, 2015, 05:29:24 am »
 8)

marcusfable

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 131
    • View Profile
Re: Riding the ox
« Reply #14 on: February 02, 2015, 04:01:54 pm »
Hi Jed,

Just removed every note I ever made on my ipad. Thereby removing every written acount of a realization, insight or experience I had in the past year and a half or so. Before I also used to write a lot, so there are these notebooks lying around in my house. All of them contain the sort of stuff (95% of it is not even dealing with enlightenment) I wouldn't even bother to look at now (no interest at all). I might throw them out and  if it turns out they are something to hold on to I surely will. But right now it seems redundant to do so.