INVISIBLE GURU FORUM

Dear Jed,

As you know, the last few posts I have been trying to steer the ox rather than riding it facing backwards. I think the anxiety was to big a temptation for me and I tried to grab hold of something for a sense of control.
But now I've turned around and let the ox do the riding again.

Sitting in my car I tried to adress the question I formulated but found no energy to pursue it. Not because I have lost interest in truth, quite the contrary actually. But because i have already traveled that road. I have asked my questions, I 've seen were they take me. They have served their purpose. They take me right into not knowing, silence, nothingness. And that's were the ox does the riding and I need to sit back and enjoy (or abhor whichever is more appropriate) the scenery. It is clear to me that I haven't come home yet. I have, for example, not realized I am unborn and cannot die. But my sense is that riding the ox, staying in nothingness, silence, I am, not knowing or whatever one wants to call it, is where I need to be to be to remove the last remaining obstacles and see who I truly am. During my ride things will come up and I will adress them until the ride is over and I have come home.

In short: the part where the I does all sorts of stuff in an effort to wake up is over, right now I need to - as I said before - shut up, keep my eyes open, and eat bread.

I do think this is what I need to do. However I trust you to let me know if all what I have said in this post is a load of b.s. I promise you I will listen to your feedback and comply with any suggestion you make. For it is truth that I want more than anything else.

Love,

RTO

Dear Jed,

Continuing spewing b.s. is something I wont have a problem doing 
I'm glad you enjoy reading my posts. As you know I enjoy going back and forth with you to.
I also want to thank you for your trust, as that is how I interpret your answer to my last post.
I'll speak to you soon.

Love,

Marcel

Dear Jed,

Its been 4 days since my last post which means I'm now breaking the longest radiosilence since I started posting here.
The radiosilence could have easily been longer I suppose, since there is really nothing to say about what's going on. But for some reason I wanted to post today so...here I am!

Its been business as usual. Everyday there has been awareness of one or more, subtle or less subtle ways, of identifying, desiring or controlling. The body has been the main, though not the only, focus this week. There's  been all kinds of physical discomforts, pains and accompanying emotions (fear of death) and thoughts. All aggravated by attempts to control and an unwilligness to trust in what is uncontrollable. Seeing this, control is then let go of, only to return again in some other way or form.

Burning away, burning away not being able to turn one blond hair into gray.
This is how it goes. I imagine it will be some time before controlling and identifying will cease (if ever). And I really don't know what will happen (If anything) when this day arrives.

Love Marcel

Dear Jed,

This is going to be a haphazard message. I probably need some more time to let this sink in. But I just wanted to tell you.

Listening to Alan Watts (although I don't think circumstances  matter too much) it suddenly dawned on me. It is the most obvious thing there is. It's the most obvious answer to any question I ask. It's actually discontinuing  the constant denial of what is.
Now I'm not a zen guy, but somehow reactions/answers to these koans popped in my mind.

What was your original face before your parents were born. Nothing (not any thing).

What is the sound of one had clapping. clap, clap (me clapping my hands, oneness clapping)

Who am I. Nothing, not anything, everything. All of the above. None of the above.


I have been running away drom this in dread. Terrified to die. Thinking, this can't be it, this must not be it, I cannot handle this. But it is it. And now I've stopped running. Fear of death is gone. this realization: it's the most obvious thing there is. It is completely ordinary. I am nothing. Nothing is everything. Everything is nothing, what I am is what everything is. I was never born, I will never die.

Something shifted.

There's no good way to say all this but again, I just wanted to tell you.

Love,

Marcel

Dear Jed,

That cold black cloud is coming down.. So I'll just keep on knockin'.
Or maybe I'll do a knock, knock yoke (not a typo by the way).
Knock, knock...
Who's there?
No one...
Well, no need to open the door then, is there?

Oh wait...Is that me trying to be cute?
Yes sir it is. 

Love,

Marcel

Dear Jed,

It has been a while. Just wanted to let you know I haven't given up.
There's interesting stuff happening. I'm literally losing a sense of me as a seperate me, or an other as an other for that matter. What remains is much less defined, much less identified.
See ya later.

Love Marcel

 

shhhhhhh..

Love ya, Jed.