Dear Jed,
There has been some serious death anxiety going on these last couple of days. Guess there's still some identification with the body. At least that is what I find when I look into it.
That whole neti, neti thing by the way, you know 'i'm aware of my body therefore I am not my body'. Never could convince me. Offcourse by now I know that I could not be convinced because I was trying to convince myself of something. Trying to get somewhere, realize something. I was postulating rather than looking. All of that is old hat by now.
So what do I find when I really look?
I do find a body, or rather, I find physical sensations. There is also awareness of physical sensations, without which the body could not be felt. In other words: without awareness there would be no sensations, no body, no world for that matter. in addition awareness remains unaffected by any changes in the body. Awareness is just awareness.
But would awareness still be without form? Offcourse this brings me back to the questions I asked a few posts ago. And then I could ask: who wants to know? Who is this me that wants to know? . I cannot point to the me that wants to know. Sure, there's fear, there's thoughts, but where is the me producing these things? Is it my brain? Am I an epiphenomenon of brain processes? Sure, there's a sense of I undoubtedly produced by my brain, and this sense of me could change when my brain changes but then the questions could araise again: who's aware of all this? And then I find that who's aware of all this is awareness, compeletely unaffected by anything that goes on in the brain (it doesn't change with age, mood, emotikn, etc.). But is that awareness not also a product of brain processes?
Who wants to know?
Etc. Etc.
Anyway, in all of this no I can be found. There's sensations, thoughts, questions, fear and all of that, but no I that wants to know anything. There's just things happening. No I having experiences. i've realized this many times before. Questions arise and are put to rest. Silence remains. but still I keep getting deluded, sidetracked. I gets created over and over again, and then questions an fear arise. I keeps saying this isn't satisfactory, this isn't enough. I wanna live forever! give me something!
Anyway, I'll stop my rambling for now.
Love,
Marcel
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