Hello Jed,
Today I asked myself if I wanted the idea of enlightenment (or being enlightened) more than I wanted truth.
I came to this question because I noticed myself steering in a certain direction when I was inquiring about questions that came up. The direction was, in all cases, aimed at some image I had about enlightenment.
Therefore I figured I had to be as honest as possible about what I really wanted. The answer came surprisingly quick and natural: I prefer truth over the idea of enlightenment/being enlightenend. Why? Quite simply because I know, experientially, that anything less than the truth is illusion/lying to myself and illusion means suffering. I cannot bare lying to myself about these things because I almost immediatly know I am kidding myself; I can feel myself forcing, defending and cramping up, losing energy and growing tired and/or frustrated.
Although I tend to just listen or watch how things unfold, I have also noticed in the past two days or so that even the questions I ask myself can be artificial. So why is that? Well, this too has to do with images about enlightenment and the process leading to it. In other words, the conviction is that I should be asking questions, investigate, throw every image I have in the fire, because this is what needs to be done. True as this might be, it will lead me astray if the motivation behind the investigating, burning, or whatever is the motivation of someone who wants to get 'there' rather than truth or honesty. The result is a mechanical, driven, artficial process of formulating questions I really don't need to answer.
Some days ago I felt the work was done, and I was right. Offcourse, everything will keep unfolding, there is much ego left to burn/fall away and there are still many moments in a day where ego is more foreground than background. But, there was a naturalness, a flow, a seeing and a lack of trying, forcing or judgment to the process of unfolding. Also there was substantially less thought and more space. There were parts of the day when I was angry when angry, tired when tired, interested when interested, bored when bored and moving when I felt like moving or did nothing when the motivation to do something was absent. This is still here now (how could it not be) but somewhat covered under the aforementioned ideas and strivings.
I got a little sidetracked by ego and I have no reason to assume that this will not happen again frequently (although I cannot be sure). But I'm ok with that. I will never be perfect, probably never be holy, and I will never arrive. Not knowing is the only way to go, and the silence of not knowing is the only true answer I'll ever get.
Love,
Marcel