Author Topic: *shrugs*  (Read 1482 times)

Maya

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Re: *shrugs*
« Reply #15 on: December 28, 2017, 04:34:29 am »
I thought (of course i did) I had no more attachments, that I could easily let go of everything. But upon observation I see there is still a particular desire. I'm still craving certain things, a certain desired and non-existent future. A desire that causes jealousy and anger and self-pit becuase I beileve im so important and deserving. It was after reading one of your rants that the pain struck. Who is doing the wanting? Like you said i'm going to do it anway. I've passed the point of no return. Just another baggage to let go of...

Maya wont like this. I wonder what next she has in store for me.

Jed McKenna

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Re: *shrugs*
« Reply #16 on: December 30, 2017, 06:17:42 am »
Stop wondering, just open you eyes now.

Love ya, Jed

Maya

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Re: *shrugs*
« Reply #17 on: December 30, 2017, 06:40:58 am »
of course of course.

Back to who I am. I know I am not my thoughts. There is no 'I', just pure awareness. However there's still an attachment to my person. Getting offended by mere words, desire etc etc. I am more aware when these feelings pop up. I see now that they all arise due to fear. Fear of losing control, fear of the future, fear of physical violence , fear fear fear. However, I dont allow it to consume me. Memories surface now and then in which i embrace fully then let go

Jed McKenna

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Re: *shrugs*
« Reply #18 on: December 30, 2017, 07:59:29 am »
I suggest you doing embrace and that you don't not embrace. Gently allow all to be as whatever it appears to be. It is nothingness pretending to be somethingness.

Love ya, Jed.

Maya

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Re: *shrugs*
« Reply #19 on: January 08, 2018, 04:50:53 am »
It is exaclty that. Nothing trying to be something then maya trying to convince you that the nothing is actually something !

I have no choice but to walk this "path" or whatever but the main difficulty at the moment is the role playing most especially the role of "good child". I am still living under my parents and my indifferent behaviour gets me into a lot of trouble. I just cant pretend to be bothered about trivialities such as fitting into society or how my dads day went ( usualy boring stuff) etc. This "attitude" is seen as arrogance most of the time but i just honestly dont give a fork.

Then he makes such a big deal out of it and my interal dialogue rages. I guess theres still a person affected by my petty tyrant's words. more killing to do :)

Jed McKenna

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Re: *shrugs*
« Reply #20 on: January 08, 2018, 12:08:04 pm »
How old are you?

Maya

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Re: *shrugs*
« Reply #21 on: January 08, 2018, 06:41:46 pm »
18

Maya

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Re: *shrugs*
« Reply #22 on: January 10, 2018, 05:31:25 am »
As I maintain my awareness there is more clarity. Less noise in my head polluting the facts. Its easier to just see everything for what it is. There's less duality. Still mch work to be done however. Sometimes I have to remind myself to observe.

There's really nothing to look for. It's right here. Just hidden under a lot of garbage. No one can clear the trash but yourself. I am in that process.

Jed McKenna

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Re: *shrugs*
« Reply #23 on: January 10, 2018, 08:13:51 am »
Happy sorting through that stuff.

Cheers.

Maya

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Re: *shrugs*
« Reply #24 on: January 12, 2018, 04:35:22 am »
Upon observation, I see there are so many ways to escape the torrent of thoughts. Whether its through drugs or sports, it is still an escape. Running away from ones self lol. I am able to catch meself doing this a lot of times, esp. when idle.
Theres a feeling of gratitude now. To what/whom? The universe? I dont know but if we are in a simulation, I would hug whatever is controlling my character.

I still have **** to clean up so chao.

Maya

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Re: *shrugs*
« Reply #25 on: January 13, 2018, 06:18:08 am »
update: nabbed myself automatically reaching for my phone. I resisted. stared at the ceiling and wow my mind was so busy it was unbelievable. "It'll be great if this happens" "i would be happy if this happens" and just many more fantasies and non-existent nothings wanting to be something.

Have the thoughts suddenly multiplied? or rather am i just more aware of their rampage now? doesnt matter, the fact is that theyre here and the battle has to go on!

Jed McKenna

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Re: *shrugs*
« Reply #26 on: January 13, 2018, 08:09:38 am »
Battle... what is it that makes you battle thoughts? You just make them bigger with battle. What else might you do?

Love ya, Jed.

Maya

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Re: *shrugs*
« Reply #27 on: January 13, 2018, 05:34:27 pm »
i guess battle was the wrong choice of words. Observe them and attatch no importance to them. No clinging.

Jed McKenna

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Re: *shrugs*
« Reply #28 on: January 14, 2018, 12:15:19 am »
No clinging....

Love ya, Jed.

Maya

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Re: *shrugs*
« Reply #29 on: January 15, 2018, 07:51:03 pm »
There is no observer, which means there is no-thing observed. Yet, observation occurs. wow, Truth really is a paradox