INVISIBLE GURU FORUM

Dear Smiling:

Thank you for joining and sharing. I would ask you to stand up and take one step forward. Go on, do it now.

How difficult what that. Did you have to coordinate hundreds of muscles, ligaments, joints, bones and nerves. I certainly hope not because you would have moved and inch. You would have frozen as a result of analysis paralysis.

You next step, T/R wise is the same. You can think it out until you are a hundred years old, or just take it and move forward. Everything you have done so far was perfect and hence you are here, also perfect, now DON'T THINK, you already know.

Love ya, Jed.

Dear Smiling:

Thank you for that. I have a little exercise, thanks to Jerry Stocking, you mind wants attention. That's a key word. So the trick is to give it attention. It won't get you enlightened, but who know. Just gentle watch it and welcome all thoughts, good or bad and see what happens.

Don't worry about where you friends are. It may be working for them, or they may be deluding themselves, which is often the case.

Feedback welcome.

Love ya, Jed.

Dear Jed,

Today whenever I was aware of my thoughts, I would think about welcoming them. I noticed, in this way, I had much less struggles over thoughts and less critics on myself. Sometimes I even felt a bit happy and relaxed when I noticed the thoughts.

Today I also had a meeting with a woman whom I am interested in. She is also doing the same work/practise assigned by Hong and seems quite determined to get T/R.  I used to deliberately keep distance from her and not to fall for anyone because I thought being involved in a love affair had nothing to do with T/R and it's merely a changeable feeling and my goal was to get T/R.  Well, the heck, today I just wanted to have some fun after one year's no fun. Eventually, we had quite a nice chat and I am less pretending in front of her. BTW, is it OK to tell you this here as it is not about T/R?

So much for today.
Love, Smiling

Dear Jed,

For one and half day, 'If I knew what to do, what would it be' almost became a mantra. I kept asking myself this same question until it dawned upon me that 'if I knew what to do, whatever I am doing is what I am supposed to do.' So, I am my own authority.

Am I getting this right? I can sense my doubt in myself and still look for 'higher authority'. I realized I am so afraid to make a mistake in the T/R path, the same way I am afraid to make a mistake in life. I always look for the 'right' way even though I've heard many times from someone like you that there is no right or wrong at all.

I welcome your slap wholeheartedly. I even don't mind you skinning slicing peeling me if that helps to awake me. So, bring it on. I am ready for that.　

I want to be completely open with you. No hiding, no pretending, no denying. Actually I want to be completely open with everyone and anyone. But let's start with you first.

Love, Smiling

Dear Jed,
I just came back from a trip during which I didn’t have access to this forum. I found I was quite worried that I might be kicked out of this forum because I didn’t respond in a long time.
It is quite a typical mentality my mind has established—tends to think in a negative way.

I have repeatedly asked myself the question you asked me, but nothing dawned upon me. However, in the past few days, I realized that I want more of the ‘side-effects’ of enlightenment instead of enlightenment itself, which means I will not have any problems anymore. I am simply not satisfied with the way I am and the way this world is. Such an imperfect world it is! This imperfect world always triggers me sad feelings or anger which is what I reject. As a matter of fact, ‘enlightenment’ is simply a word/concept to me, which I heard and read from others, for example, you. I don’t really know what it is. Another reason I wanna be enlightened is that enlightenment seems to be the only and ultimate thing worthy pursuing. In my life, I have never really longed or made great effort for anything except pursuing so-called ‘love’. Ok, it’s not love but love affairs. Only during the initial stage of my love affairs, I would feel I am really alive, creative and focused. The rest of my life, I feel like I am a walking corpse. Unfortunately, those live moments don’t last long.

Today I had an argument with my mother. It seemed impossible to let her really hear what I was trying to tell her. She was dwelling in her thoughts. Finally I lost my patience and burst out to her ‘Is your hearing bad or your brain bad?’ She was furious hearing that and tried to kick me. On the contrary, I was very calm and emotionless. I was surprised to find myself not being regretful for saying so. I was indeed surprised to hear myself saying that, though, because my nephew is used to say ‘is your brain bad’ to my mother when he is bad and I had never done that. Now my mother thinks I have taught my nephew that. I guess I must have said that in my mind quietly and somehow my nephew picked the message up. In some way, the whole process of this argument seemed to be quite fake to me. I seemed to be quite fake.

This is a forum about T/R and I am babbling about these ‘human’ stuff. So spiritually incorrect. Well, that’s all in my mind at this moment.

By the way, I am not so used to post about myself on a forum. I feel I am becoming naked in public. Regardless, I will continue do this until one day there is no more 'I' anymore.

Love, Smiling

Hi Jed,

Even before I saw your reply, I’d already read your most recent Rant on marriage and realized that that could very well be the relationship between my mom and me. I left home for America for 8 years. Since my dad died and I came back, the relationship between my mom and me has been like between two robots with fixed programs. Yes, it’s a deal, even between parents and children. For her, I had been the ‘good’ deal before I left home, remained a ‘half-good’ deal during my stay in America, and turned out to be a completely ‘bad’ deal since I returned home – no marriage, no money, and no stable job. I have nothing, except my bad mouth and rebellious words and reactions towards her. Basically, what a typical Chinese mother wants from her daughter leaves no trace in me. Ok, now let me think what kind of deal my mother is to me. She denies my sexual orientation, she’s very vain, and most of time she says and acts purely based on fear. She is afraid that no children will take care of her when she’s very old. She tries to please her sisters and nieces so that they could help her out. She is like an actor, so phony sometimes that even my nephew says that. She’s definitely not the ‘perfect’ mother I want.

However, I have to say that she has done nothing wrong to me. She tried her best to raise me. However, I have no idea why I have so much hidden anger towards her and it seems she always presses my button precisely. The only possible ‘wrong’ thing that could’ve impacted on me is that when I was about primary school age, one day, I accidentally saw her kissing a male friend of hers in my home. She saw me seeing them. I turned away and didn’t say a word. I never mentioned this incident to her or any family members even until today. It seems to have no impact on me as I don’t feel any emotion whenever I think back. However, I do remember that after that incident, she took me to the dentist. On the way there and back, I didn’t say a word to her. I didn’t even look at her much. I kept distance with her and walked way ahead of her. In my mind, there is this picture of a little girl, emotionless, walking in front and far away from her mother.
I really want to but don’t know how to reconcile with my mom. Previously, I’ve tried different methods, such as family constellation, hypnosis, regression therapy, etc., but they all failed and the ‘war’ seemed to have escalated. Since last March, I stopped trying to make an effort.

I think my relationship with my mother is the barrier that’s blocking me to T/R. Very selfish I am, aren’t I? One more thing to admit, the reason my goal is T/R instead of H/A is only because T/R seems to be the highest goal. The final destination.

What a dumb and blind life I have lived!

Smiling

Dear S:

You are correct in a way, but the challenge is you are trying to make sense of it. If this all could be just figured out, it would be easy peezy.

I suggest returning to just finding two things, 'you' and 'Truth'. Simple but not easy.

Love ya, Jed.