Hi Jed,
Even before I saw your reply, I’d already read your most recent Rant on marriage and realized that that could very well be the relationship between my mom and me. I left home for America for 8 years. Since my dad died and I came back, the relationship between my mom and me has been like between two robots with fixed programs. Yes, it’s a deal, even between parents and children. For her, I had been the ‘good’ deal before I left home, remained a ‘half-good’ deal during my stay in America, and turned out to be a completely ‘bad’ deal since I returned home – no marriage, no money, and no stable job. I have nothing, except my bad mouth and rebellious words and reactions towards her. Basically, what a typical Chinese mother wants from her daughter leaves no trace in me. Ok, now let me think what kind of deal my mother is to me. She denies my sexual orientation, she’s very vain, and most of time she says and acts purely based on fear. She is afraid that no children will take care of her when she’s very old. She tries to please her sisters and nieces so that they could help her out. She is like an actor, so phony sometimes that even my nephew says that. She’s definitely not the ‘perfect’ mother I want.
However, I have to say that she has done nothing wrong to me. She tried her best to raise me. However, I have no idea why I have so much hidden anger towards her and it seems she always presses my button precisely. The only possible ‘wrong’ thing that could’ve impacted on me is that when I was about primary school age, one day, I accidentally saw her kissing a male friend of hers in my home. She saw me seeing them. I turned away and didn’t say a word. I never mentioned this incident to her or any family members even until today. It seems to have no impact on me as I don’t feel any emotion whenever I think back. However, I do remember that after that incident, she took me to the dentist. On the way there and back, I didn’t say a word to her. I didn’t even look at her much. I kept distance with her and walked way ahead of her. In my mind, there is this picture of a little girl, emotionless, walking in front and far away from her mother.
I really want to but don’t know how to reconcile with my mom. Previously, I’ve tried different methods, such as family constellation, hypnosis, regression therapy, etc., but they all failed and the ‘war’ seemed to have escalated. Since last March, I stopped trying to make an effort.
I think my relationship with my mother is the barrier that’s blocking me to T/R. Very selfish I am, aren’t I? One more thing to admit, the reason my goal is T/R instead of H/A is only because T/R seems to be the highest goal. The final destination.
What a dumb and blind life I have lived!
Smiling