Author Topic: Smith  (Read 1224 times)

Smith

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Re: Smith
« Reply #15 on: September 04, 2014, 09:20:52 am »
Yep, no looking ahead, no need to understand

Smith

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Re: Smith
« Reply #16 on: September 07, 2014, 12:39:31 pm »
I’ve been doing what you suggested. Or at least what I think you suggested. Looking for "bad emotions" in the body. Going over childhood memories to trigger them. Feeling the core of the energy. The eye of the storm, as Tom Stone calls it.

It’s not as easy as it seems. Sometimes it works wonderfully, sometimes I don’t find much, other times I struggle to ‘complete’ the energy. When I’m tired it’s often like that. Harder to fully accept the energy. Then there are times when I’m fully rested and find some knot like sensations in the stomach. I fully feel into them, and they perhaps transition to something else or move somewhere and eventually die down. However, very often they pop right back up. So I embrace them as well, but it continues to happen after that as well. So I’m sort of wondering why they keep coming back like that. Perhaps I just have that much work to do with those anxiety knots. If that’s the case, then great! Keep ‘em coming until there are no more.

I guess I sort of have this image that a session should come to a full completion as opposed to this ‘sort of’ completion with another (or the same?) energy ball lingering in the shadows. But overall optimistic.

Smith

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Re: Smith
« Reply #17 on: September 07, 2014, 12:48:08 pm »
It probably all comes down to resistance though. Just be as inviting, as forgiving and as patient as I can be.

Smith

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Re: Smith
« Reply #18 on: September 10, 2014, 03:05:50 pm »
After doing this emotion exploration for a couple of days, I have come to the following conclusions:

- 'Feeling things fully' becomes easier with practice, but it can be very difficult as well. Becoming a 'black belt' at this is one of the best things you can do for your life (Tom Stone).
- It can be difficult finding something really emotional. Small charges are easier to find.
- This can be applied not only to memories, but anything with an emotional attachment. Everything about myself that I don't like, bring it up. 'I am disappointed that I never did (...)', 'I am so bad at (...)'. These beliefs have significant emotional attachments, that's what's keeping them in place.
- This can also be applied to fears. I imagine my fears happening and deal with the emotions that come up. For instance, I imagined my girlfriend and me in a natural disaster and me having to let go of her hand. Just anything where there is emotion is up for grabs, not always fun.

Smith

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Re: Smith
« Reply #19 on: September 10, 2014, 03:50:56 pm »
I read a post from you that struck a nerve with me. About how women are usually the ones initiating a break up.

My girlfriend is much more of a 'success', then I am. That doesn't really bother me. A lot of that comes from me following this stupid path I guess. I small part of me worries that she one day 'has had enough' of my direction in life. I've never had a really long relationship before, seems so crazy to separate from the person you've loved for years. Rationally, I know I would be fine, but emotionally, it brings tears to my eyes. It's basically the one secure, stable thing in my life. If our relationship ended, my life and universe would change. Something lonelier. At least at first. This is just ranting btw. I fear it mostly in an 'imagine if' scenario. But everything stable can't be that stable. It's an illusion. I guess I'm trying to challenge it a bit. I do have an intense love for this woman. I doesn't always show it, but to me she's the greatest thing in the world. My heart lies between her and the yearning for truth.

I love her, love her, love her, but the more I find myself, the less needy the love is. I'm grateful and open to whatever life brings me. In the non neediness and the openness lies total control.

Smith

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Re: Smith
« Reply #20 on: September 12, 2014, 06:41:16 am »
Had a big breakthrough just now. Let's try to put it into words... I've looked at desires as something 'bad' that should be let go of. But why are desires there in the first place? Because we resist what we have, we resist what is. The problem isn't the effect (desires), the problem is the cause (resistance). I am unhappy about a lot of things in my situation. But the problem isn't that am not rich, it's that I resist that I'm not.

I look at all the things I'm unhappy about. I find emotional attachments. I guess my task is to experience all that emotion. It's not even that hard. It's actually pleasant compared to looking away. Glad to have found this. Several of the posts I've read from you lately has been about resistance. Now it opened up. Thanks Jed!

Smith

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Re: Smith
« Reply #21 on: September 14, 2014, 01:39:33 am »
I understand now what it means to have a seemingly neverending mountain of crap in front of you. It just goes on and on. It's not neverending though. And being very happy to have found a method to deal with it - just feel all of it until there's nothing left to feel. Getting better at it.

Jed McKenna

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Re: Smith
« Reply #22 on: September 14, 2014, 08:22:38 am »
Dear Smith:

Good stuff, keep it up.

Love ya, Jed.

Smith

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Re: Smith
« Reply #23 on: September 17, 2014, 02:21:07 pm »
Emotional pain are only opportunities to grow. To expand. To let go of facade. The ego resists the 'bad' because by definition it becomes worthless if bad stuff happen. Being unsuccessful means being worthless. It's about as bad as dying for the ego. So welcoming the bad stuff means letting go of ego. Doesn't mean welcoming the bad is always easy, but it's easier when you know why you're doing it.

Smith

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Re: Smith
« Reply #24 on: September 23, 2014, 03:39:58 am »
It's funny. Energies that I have taken as my personality are simply experiences that says 'hey! look at me! experience me!'

Smith

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Re: Smith
« Reply #25 on: September 23, 2014, 03:40:58 am »
A small realization I had recently: I have had this urge to travel, this dream to go to a new place every week. But it's all rooted in bullshit connected to where I live. Here, there are triggers, I have a history etc. I don't feel free here. But this is all about my bs, not about where I am.   I can be thankful for living here where all my crap is continually brought to the surface. If something presents itself in terms of traveling, I'm in, but anything short of being thankful of my situation is resisting it.

Smith

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Re: Smith
« Reply #26 on: September 23, 2014, 03:42:07 am »
I'm glad you wrote about contemplation, Jed. I guess I didn't really understand what it is. Trying to get a better feel for it. Asking questions like: what is 'resistance/acceptance truly?' I've usually been grasping for answers. Adyashanti talked about some autolysis he was doing were he would write and then stop when he didn't have anything. Just wait for something to come up. Holding the question in a relaxed and focused manner seems to be the trick.

Smith

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Re: Smith
« Reply #27 on: September 24, 2014, 12:17:32 pm »
I find that if I'm feeling out of place - awkward, borderline creepy, if I just accept that creepiness and 'become' that creepiness, I am at least not fighting myself. And eventually the awkwardness that I felt fades out. It was sustained by denying all along.

I have always thought that I shouldn't feel those bad things because then I will believe I am like that. Turns out it's the opposite way. It's when we don't like something that it persists. Being transparent. Completely comfortable with who you are. That's what being at ease really is. And that means being comfortable with being a dumb, awkward, unimportant, unsuccessful, smelly and ugly little **** (when it's called for lol). But I find the harder I try to be something 'bad', the less of it I am.

Smith

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Re: Smith
« Reply #28 on: September 24, 2014, 05:33:26 pm »
I'm beginning to see how contemplation really work. And how to really think - destructively. I'm meditating on people that I don't like, but what I keep coming back to is that there's an explanation for everyone's personality and that we are all the same. It's much harder to dislike someone when you know they're just a helpless, innocent form. Just a leaf in the wind that happened to blow in a certain direction.

Thinking is very powerful when it's combined with meditation. I can explore so much. I never used it before. You can get through something with a little contemplation that otherwise would keep you chained for years. Just think about it with a little relaxed focus and see what comes up.

Jed McKenna

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Re: Smith
« Reply #29 on: September 24, 2014, 09:05:33 pm »
Dear Smith:

I have nothing particular to say right  now. Sounds like you are  working it out. Just keep an eye on who or what it is that is doing all the working out.

love ya, Jed.

P.S. You don't love, her because there is still a you and a her. You have an emotional 'deal' with her that may be quite pleasant, but that is all that any human can ever strive for, regardless of all the b.s. we have been sold, and we have been sold a great deal. Absolutely nothing wrong with it, but just see it and take it for what it is, not what you want or need it to be. (Hmmm.... old, wise fart speaking through me.)