INVISIBLE GURU FORUM

Hi Jed,

(I sent it as a personal message.  Let me do it as a post instead)

I am grateful for this opportunity to interact with an awakened person.

Ever since I started reading Buddhist sutra at 20 something, becoming a buddha has been the only meaningful thing in my life. At first I thought I need get rid of the ego. So I joined a service oriented group. That didn't work out. My ego became bigger than ever and my internal conflicts drove me nuts. So, I left after about 8 years. Then I joined a group which focused on awareness. The teacher explained the sutras in non-dual terms and I learned a lot. But still, I didn't go very far. After 10 years as a full time volunteer, I decided that that teacher himself was still searching and he was more interested in maintaining what he gathered in life than finding truth. So, I left.

I've been on my own for two years now. I skimmed all kinds of teaching out there: Walter Russell, Lester Levenson, Sadhguru, Bashar, Datre, David Wil**** (and all things about illuminati, world politics) etc. I find I am still attracted to the non-dual teachings the most. In particular, I like Tony Parsons and Rupert Spira. Then, couple of days ago my wife, who is also my partner on the path, mentioned your books.

Ever since I walked out of that ashram I felt I have actually been progressing. There is a lot less thoughts; I kind of lost the appetite to theorize everything; the sense of self is not as strong; and awareness of what I am doing and feeling is more natural and more frequent.

But I'd like the process to go quicker. Time is slipping away...

The evaluation I give to myself is that I have gained certain maturity in truth searching after hitting walls a couple of times, and I have built some foundation in practice with my awareness training and meditation.

Understanding wise, I agree that I don't know anything about the world out there or if there IS one. All I know is the perceptions I have. I try to come back to this basic point when I am aware.  I accept that free will is a false idea, but I see no other way but to do whatever I can.

I can see that I am gradually changing, but I have no clear direction. And I am not sure if I should be seeking a clear direction (I still have the do or non-do dilemma

One question on my mind is that all the sensations/thoughts, where do they come from? There should be no creator/self behind anything. Then it just is! Is that all we can say? To a realized person, is it true that there is only flow and no way to influence the flow, because there is no one there to do the influencing? Because the true self is a knower not a doer? I guess I agree that there is no self, but at the same time not ready to give it up yet:)

This is me in a nutshell.  Please help me crack it open:)

When I was born, the mind was mostly clean, but the body-mind complex (BMC) had certain tendencies, such as the affinity to food, warmth, attention, the avoidance to pain, etc. Where do they come from? I don't know. These characteristics were utilized by my parents and the society in general to mold me into a certain shape, through methods such as reward/punishment, repeating, association..., so some neural connections were strengthened, and some were weakened. In other words, experiences/perceptions to this BMC no long elicited equal responses, patterns now emerged. For example, a stone would generate a different response in my BMC than a cake. My parents and the society pass down their believes into me this way.

Probably because of its limited capacity, my BMC can only store a few attributes associated with a pattern (e.g., stone), this somehow led to each pattern gradually stood out from the original homogeneity (I haven't worked out how this process works:) Now, instead of an undivided whole, I perceive a world broken into objects. And along with the objects rose the subject -- my self.

I can imagine that in a different civilization with a different understanding, the same BMC could be taught into a totally different being.

I think the way my BMC is organized is my operating system, besides processing data it also decides what's to be called data, how the data is to be shaped, what data to take in, how the data is interpreted. How the data comes into my existence in the first place is a mystery to me. But how the data is put into my system totally depends on my up-bringing (my belief system). As long as I am stuck in my bubble belief system, it doesn't matter what I do/change, I am still stuck.

The only hope is some how to realize I am not this BMC.

It took me some effort to get the hang of being aware. Before encountering awareness I didn't know there was such a thing, all I knew was thinking and a little bit of feeling. At first I struggled because I wanted to be aware, but all I could do was thinking. I didn't know any other way to know myself other than thinking. Eventually I learned to relax, then gradually awareness emerged and grew.

When I am aware I know the activities of my body and mind, and I know I am aware. This is the time when I am not just this body and mind. This period of awareness is usually very short, and without me noticing it, it's lost. When it comes back, either by itself, or by my mind remembering it, I usually find myself in thoughts. So I think it's thinking that interrupted my awareness.

Who is it that's aware when I am aware? It's certainly not my ego self. It doesn't interfere with the activities of the body/mind. It doesn't judge. It's in the background. There is clarity to it. It doesn't name things. No language is involved. It just knows, but what's been known can not be put into words (mind can attempt it, but it's not it).

What I have is probably a rudimentary version of Buddha awareness. It's still lack in depth, breadth and continuity, but probably of the right essence. It's my on going regular practice. My practice has been lack in vigor lately. Your question and my investigation have prompted me to pick up the steam again.  Thank you.

To develop my awareness bit by bit may be a gradual path. But I think I'll keep it up until break through happens.

Hi Jed,

I am starting reading your book, and got to the SA part. It sounds brutal (exciting), confrontational, pitting the mind against itself. Got to have strong logic and a mind of steel to do that.

My general understanding is that enlightenment is beyond body, mind and consciousness. By myself I wouldn't know what it is or how to achieve it. Two things I can do are:
   1) Do whatever the guru instructs.
   2) Loosen up any fixation (belief) I notice, let myself dissolve.

The 1) for me right now is SA. The 2) is deepening awareness.

I intend to do both at the same time. Hope they are not conflicting with each other. I have some concern on this though. In Chinese martial arts there are two ways to do it, the opposing way (exemplified by the Shaolin fist) and the yielding way (exemplified by Taichi).  One is building up muscle/tendon/Qi/technique, one is total relaxation. And these two ways don't mix. Can SA and 2) mix?

Thanks

Just read the book a little further. I take my question back. The real question I should be asking myself is why it took you two years to do it but took me 20 years and still not taking the First Step. If the drive is strong enough whichever path I push through is my way. If the drive is not there, then who am I kidding.

Dear Jed,

I know several cases of martial artists who achieved greatness though relaxation. The height they reached is way beyond the tough guys, not on the same scale. The tough guys I can understand, but the those relax guys I have no idea where they get their power from. But somehow I know that's the right way, at least the way I would like.

I've been doing some SA. I agree, writing it down makes the process more efficient and powerful.

I see that all the sense perceptions, feelings, thoughts, which include the sense of my body/mind, occurs on a receiver, a screen of some sort. This is my truth I reach so far. It's not rock solid, thoughts often tricks me into believing in the reality of a separate self. I just come back to my established basic truth as much as possible. I tend to identify the screen as me, the images appearing on the screen as something opposite of me. What I wonder is where are the images coming from, what's the directing force (if any) behind them. Of course, this (screen and image) is still a dualistic view, I won't get too hung up on that. I'll pay more attention to the knower who knows it knows, as you suggested in one of your rant threads.

Dear Jed,

I've been doing the SA writing. Just as I thought I wasn't making much progress I read in your book the passage about everyone spending energy on upholding a self image. I suddenly see that I have an image I constantly maintain, for no particular reason. I knew about this everyone-playing-a-character theory before, but this time it strucks me personally. Thank you.

Regarding the Nav Series, if it were 12 years ago I would have jumped in without hesitation. But now I see that one of my main issues is that I secretly believed that I was entitled to TR.  I worked hard on it but I was also waiting for the right teacher/circumstance/realization to bring me TR. It's time to let go of that hope and take it into my own hands for a change. So, I'd like to go on my own for a while. But knowing that you are there is very comforting:)

Dear Jed,

I noticed another thing today. I've been working on awareness for a long time, and I take some pride in it because most people don't know anything about it. But non-dual awareness is just like non-attachment, it's a natural display of the awakened. It's not meant to be perfected as a skill, and not a prerequisite to TR. The foremost task at hand is still finding and popping all the illusions. Too that end, I am still trying to find the gate 

I am reading J Jaynes' The Origin of Consciousness. Only 60 some pages into the book so far, already so much is disturbed (or tidied up). If only I had seen it while studying neurobiology, 20 years ago.

Is TR to get rid of the consciousness as a simulation/imagination of life and directly become life itself? Life brought this game of consciousness upon human and life takes it away. TR is not the "right" thing to do for everyone.  But for me, life has reached a stage that I am feeling the suffocation of "I" and want to wake up.