Author Topic: Some new topic  (Read 213 times)

Andrei

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Some new topic
« on: September 28, 2014, 02:27:07 am »
Ok so I decided to start a thread here as well. I dont know why. Not sure if its of any help. Does feel like an evasion, a waste of time. But everything is a waste of time. Even breathing seems like a waste of time some times
I dont see any "sweetness" in life anymore. I can go trekking or visit some mountains I never seen before or play with a cat or admire a beautiful landscape. Still whatever used to give birth to something in me, now it doesnt. You know how the matrix looks like from Nebuchadnezzar, just green code on a black screen? Thats how I relate to everything.  How can you enjoy anything when you know it`s just a sensory perception, just a second-hand feeling, reused code with nothing original in it left.
Where I am at? I guess I reached the I am, where nothing else exists but the perception of my own existence, that I am. Here I reached a dead-end. Somehow I need(ed) to get past I am. Lately, and if Im not mistaken with an advise from you on the other forum, I started to play with the thought of I am not. Its nothing ground breaking but it made me realize that I am might be just as fake. Frankly I dont really know if I exist or not anyway. I might be just a recording somewhere on an analogue tape cassette playing images on the screen of an old tv.
So I guess that`s where I am at, which is nowhere really.
What got me this far. There`s many spiritual paths I took in my life. I was raised in a christian orthodox environment but I hated everything about it. Theres so much stupidity and lies in christianity (and every other organized religion) that made me despise everything about it and people who preach that crap. I moved towards the old beliefs, shamanism, paganism, witchcraft, etc.. That really used to speak to my psyche. Still does though but now I know its just a nice story, not a gruesome story like that crap invented in the deserts of the middle east where people still kill for that ugliness to this day, but still a story. So I moved past that as well. During this time I was very much interested in hinduism and buddism, especially zen and all that new age mysticism. But again, just a story. My devolution continued with non-dualism which is probably the biggest help I got to this day. Unfortunately non-dualism (at least in my case) helped empty me out of BS but provided nothing else. Your books followed completing the process of unlearning what was redundant. Now there`s not much left if anything.
I dont read anymore. I need no more teachings and no more BS. My devolution is complete. What I need now is to jump off a cliff (not literally).
What now? Well I read in another thread how you told someone to meditate every day for an hour, see the thoughts coming and see if they ring any true. I think I can give it a try. Problem of the monkey mind is that no matter how many times you realize a though or concept is untrue it will still come back because thats what the mind does. Not sure how much help this technique will be but unless you have a different advise I`ll give it a go.
I dont have a question for you, or anybody else, at least for now. If you understood something from my rant and you see something familiar in it and think you can help give me a push off the cliff be my guest.
Thats it for now.

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