INVISIBLE GURU FORUM

I’m a long term meditator…..not getting anywhere quickly….but still enjoy the illusion of it.
Originally engineer by training, now in medicine.
Have always been resistant to the word ‘believe’, so seem to sit in a ball of maybe’s….(feel the tingling on my forehead, but not about to call it a chakra).
Don’t have much of a problem with this whole world being a really great illusion……tripping on the idea that that could include my thoughts, but like the feel of it.
Woke up the other morning and felt great relief at the idea that what might be eternal might just be this witness without thought or neurosis, and all the other baggage could just be dropped away at death (or sooner?)
I have a pretty great life, lots of miracles (job, lifestyle, partner, cats, location, opportunity to travel), but still dissatisfied , want more….
not material stuff so much (though that’s definitely fun, and getting upgraded to first class overseas or chocolate gelato is hard to beat); attached to wanting to understand how the world really works….maybe that’s what I need to let go of in order to get unstuck….oh god do I have to welcome in my ignorance too?
This is definitely better than writing to yourself.
Thanks. Will keep mulling.

Thanks for responding, that was a cool surprise

Maya put up. Big fight yesterday
Walking through expensive part of Rome ,everything looked amazing
Then ran into my meditation 'teacher' ....I like him, just not getting where I want to go ultimately
Fantastically delicious dinner finished off the evening distraction

Followed by a very long flight to the U.S. completely with screaming babies and disliking everyone on board :-)
Al distraction, fell for it muchly

Still basking in the idea of where all these thoughts come from, maybe just hanging around in the air, even the joy and irritations might just be stuff out there happening that I can be aware of but not identified with

Could I give up on my current meditation practice? It's an old habit now, carefully driven by my neurosis for self improvement, and addiction to endorphins. The first urge is to replace it with something (this?), or to counter replace it with bigger nothing. It's a crutch for sure when looked at that way.

Maybe replace it with welcoming and identifying resistance

Oh ***t
That actually helps
Thanks!

In dammed you talk briefly about exchange between teacher and student

How do I do that in virtual space?

Virtual gardening, Bitcoin, virtual foot rubs etc? Send money to your favorite animal charity in your name? Help out your Warcraft character?

Well I have to say you never stop giving

Will hold on the silly urge to upload you a rolls Royce photo :-)

Instead contemplating all these distractions. Biggest being this virus maya has sent in. Don't know why I think I shouldn't have one.....maybe wordlessly contemplate the sensation of that instead of fighting it (and take some ibuprofen)

List of imaginary stuff I hold important:
Stability, money, home , relationship
Understanding, seeing truth
Good food
Health
Getting TR first (before its as common as iPhone)
New cool experiences
Total freedom to sit and do nothing till I'm ready
This is all bullst none of it exists

What about all this pain in my body, neck joints etc? Only a problem if sitting next door is the belief that you shouldn't have pain.

Started playing with paleo diet a few weeks ago. Hilarious to drop all the old conditioning, eat meat at every meal (and tons of veggies). If the airplane meal is not suitable, just eat the pad of butter...distraction

Contemplate the sensations, let them have equal value...old meditation training...not sure it applies here....the thought that it does surely indicates that it doesn't or maybe does and doesnt
Not the way but not not the way since there may be no way, just some weird 'grace' thingy we don't get to define

All I know is my sensations. How to get beyond that?

Spot on Jed, Thanks.

Yesterday the thought came by 'maybe I'm already TR and don't realize it'......interesting to hold that in the balance with 'I've got somewhere to get'.....but clearly not true

Part of the scene in this little self thingy is not even being sure there is Truth.....and I almost added "beyond this", which kind of tickles, since of course there is not....just the tendency to look away from 'this', deny it whatever. I like that 'First Step' described in Damdest of realizing that 'there is Truth'...but I'm not even there yet.

Part of the neurosis is this deep expectation that I need the cooperation of some force outside of myself...can lead to a lot of begging, pleading and self pity.....also a dead end. But it is interesting to consider that most of us are asleep and therefore the likelihood of being "destined/programed' to wake up is pretty low. Even though I seem to have this burning desire that won't just drop.....lots and lots and lots of others have that and don't succeed. Wonder if it is in my power to drop this like an addiction and take up something else.......I've given up sleeping to the last minute (for early morning meditation) and lately alcohol and carbs, went without coffee for a couple of weeks last month which was amazing.....why not give up this TR obsession?

Last year when I first read the trilogy I was pretty hot on it, reading a bunch of books that just kept showing up by various authors......then that died out and I felt less intense about it....Now the burner is turned back up....partially fueled by this surprising access to Jed....(also listening to some Tony Parsons)......

I burn, but maybe it's more of a cold burn? I don't know what that means....better stop

Going back to last year rereading damnedest and then remembered another 'book of undoing' by Fred Davis
Short practical and quickly leads you to an experience of that simple awareness, that does seem kind of limitless and out of time that might be the point of all this....
Not sure if it's just about becoming more constantly identified with 'That' rather than the constant jumbled flow of all these thoughts, experience, Maya stuff..... or what
I mean ....if that 's it......it is really simple.....so simple you can forget it in a blink of an eye....really no different than what I've been shown by my meditation teachers for years, but how do you get it into everyday life
Have to be careful because ego clearly wants there to be More with fireworks and lightening and burning bushes

Reread the bon fire chapter. This time the depression and life has no meaning sections hit home big time. What 'I' have been struggling against forever. Love it when the answer is so easy and obvious.
Also watched another Tony Parsons video, his style is different but message seems to be the same: 'I can't realize truth and seeking is a great way to prevent it'.
I still feel stuck but it has this funny bone tickle sensation, I guess it's the paradox: if I wasn't interested in truth I'd never find it, seeking truth is blocking the path, I can never actually find truth because I will die/dissolve when truth is experienced, despite all that 'I' is still sitting here like a happy, drooling dog thinking it's getting somewhere and about to be rewarded, when 'I've' been told over and over again that 'I'm' about to be put down......it is just so funny that I can't stop smiling. Totally boxed in and happy about it.

And then in a few hours I'm sure I'll get sucked in to some silly drama....and that may be funny too.