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DragonTree

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« on: May 03, 2016, 10:56:45 pm »
hello, back after a short hissyfit... I'll try keep drama to a minimum.
I need to unload a bit. Apologies if the post is long, you don't have to read it.

A little while ago i moved into a new house with multiple roommates. I don't have a room, I sleep on the floor in the bootroom and I like it.
There's a few cats and a dog here. The dog is starved for attention and the cats are either overfed or underfed. I've started taking the dog for walks and feeding the animals.

It really annoys me when the dog stares at me while I'm eating. This built up for a couple of days and it kept making me mad. I was aware and could do nothing, the other day I was eating an apple and the dog was staring at me. I got mad. I threw the apple at him, then decided to pick up the apple and feed it to him. I don't get mad at the dog anymore.

Lately I've been trying to listen to guided meditations a lot but every time there's some sort of interruption. Animals walking on me, people come up to me, my phone dies when I'm finally alone, etc. Even trying to meditate without the audio tracks is difficult to find time for. I went out and floated in an isolation tank one day and sat on a rock in the middle of a stream yesterday but beyond that I think I can take a hint. Stop meditating.

Recently I just stopped masturbating altogether. The amount of insanity I have is energy

I've begun to notice that I now question the various gurus I used to listen to. Ironically this inspired me to return to this forum. I used to unquestioningly listen to "awakened people" in the same way that I used to listen to my mind. The thorn is removed, so now the other thorn can be discarded. The inner guru is the only guy worth listening to right now and I suspect he's on his way out the door as well.

I don't actually want to be truth realized. I've come to this conclusion because if I did, I would.

Every time I get scared I realize this isn't about me at all. The other day I went for a job interview (I don't think I got the job) and somehow the conversation got steered into talking about meditation.
Just sitting around the house and occasionally picking up garbage really clears up the energy. There was a fair amount of bickering in the household before I showed up, I've done nothing intentionally but nobody even knows what they were mad about anymore. I think the dog is happy too









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Jed McKenna

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Re: subject
« Reply #1 on: May 04, 2016, 12:07:26 am »
Thanks for sharing.

Love ya, Jed

DragonTree

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« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2016, 04:27:05 am »
There's a rock in the middle of a stream that has become one of my favourite places to sit. Last night I went there to contemplate. I listened to an adyashanti recording where the guy said something about love pouring into existence and I went with that which seemed to open up what I would call peripheral awareness. There's a subtle sadness that seems to arise from energy in my face, I observed that for awhile. A memory flashed into my mind of a time i felt bullied, there was an underlying emotion of anger with the memory.
Walking home I began to worry about what I'd tell people if they asked me where I went. Naturally people did ask, I told them I went and sat on a rock. I felt a light happiness by being truthful

Today I saw a movie. They're pretty fun, I spent a bit of time just observing a lot of different things that arise. If for example my leg feels hot I observe the sensation and it always seems renewed in a way because I don't just think of hot and brush the sensation under the rug. In this way meditation has devolved into just sitting, observing stuff like its the first time I've seen it.
After the movie I saw the northern lights

DragonTree

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« Reply #3 on: May 08, 2016, 05:44:05 am »
OHhhhh
I think I realize what's going on here.
just going back to asking "what is me?" all the stories I'd been mulling over just dropped. Its just quiet and that's the answer. Sorry for posting those essays

Jed McKenna

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« Reply #4 on: May 08, 2016, 06:04:49 am »
No problem..

Love ya, Jed.

DragonTree

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« Reply #5 on: May 09, 2016, 02:36:44 pm »
Its odd that after all the search for "I" I still use terms like "I am hungry"

I'm addicted to experience. Every time I get a little experience of aha! it seems like I'm getting somewhere. I also typically go to places where I think a result is more likely to happen. I'm hopelessly addicted to a sense of progression, I need a measuring stick and without it I'm scared

DragonTree

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« Reply #6 on: May 12, 2016, 03:41:39 am »
I've been contemplating space, particularly space between senses. It seems as though there's space there but there's also no possible way to interact with it.
It operates on its own, like when I'm breathing the sensation just arises out of nowhere and then disappears, so the space is inside and outside of my little known realm.

Is this window of consciousness in/of awareness the extent of consciousness?
I doubt it. I'm not sure, but it seems possible that it could be situated in infinite nothing. For example vision is a finite circle of vision, outside of this finite circle is everything not seen.

I'm going to continue until I'm sure of something, probably just going to end up trashing this line of inquiry

All this text indicates that I'm building stories again. Meh

Jed McKenna

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« Reply #7 on: May 12, 2016, 07:16:27 am »
Sounds like that to me... but if that's what you want to do, no harm no foul... just make them interesting.

Love ya, Jed.
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DragonTree

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« Reply #8 on: May 12, 2016, 02:47:26 pm »
I'll do my best.

There's a root belief that I'm vaguely aware of which has to do with progression. It seems to help build a lot of stories. I know its in there because as soon as I noticed it I also noticed that my mind was pushing in the direction of wanting to progress past the need to feel progression. Basically what I'm doing is living in the future.
My hands feel pretty tied with this one, even this post is entirely constructed from the mechanism I'm trying to describe.


Jed McKenna

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« Reply #9 on: May 12, 2016, 09:05:31 pm »
Please provide more detail...

Love ya, Jed.

DragonTree

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« Reply #10 on: May 13, 2016, 12:41:43 am »
ok.
It feels like I have to be doing something particular in order to get something.
Whenever I have realizations it gets me excited that I'm getting somewhere.
If I'm not having realizations I get worried that I'm not making progress

I feel like I have to somehow drop this belief
I think wanting to drop the belief stems from wanting progress

Currently I'm doing nothing about it and feeling anxious

Jed McKenna

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« Reply #11 on: May 13, 2016, 05:06:06 am »
So, for those lag times, when you feel you are not making process, you are lying to yourself. Those are the important times while you b.s. is being whittled away to make room for the next realization. And, when you get it, thank it and then move on, ignore it completely. I.E., don't wait for the realizations, wait for the waiting.

Love ya, Jed.
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DragonTree

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« Reply #12 on: May 15, 2016, 03:28:33 pm »
thank you x 100000000 for your previous post.

Last night I went out partying with friends. Overall it was a fun night. I caused a bit of drama by confronting someone's viewpoint about why someone isn't their friend anymore and it resulted in a 3 way argument, one guy stormed out of the bar while I was in the bathroom. Afterwards I caught up with him at home and made peace, then I vomited off the deck and went to bed.
So there's something for me to ponder - why did I want to change another person's mind?

This morning I was nursing the hangover while stacking jenga blocks. Half of the tower collapsed and I just sat there gazing at it. Suddenly I'm extremely interested in tables. I just love looking at stuff, there's such a wide assortment of things that people end up putting there and the arrangement itself is as interesting as the variety of things.


Jed McKenna

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« Reply #13 on: May 15, 2016, 09:22:31 pm »
... so, why did you try to change someone's mind. Think about it. Who's mind is it and what gives you the right to f with it? You have enough challenges with your own mind.

Love ya, Je
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DragonTree

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« Reply #14 on: May 16, 2016, 05:25:08 pm »
I've put some thought into it, didn't seem to come up with any good reason so instead I just talked to people and wait for it to emerge.

When people say certain things that I would see in myself as avoidance there is a feeling that comes up and basically says "WRONG."
If things are wrong to me I'm probably holding onto a story which asserts itself as right.

so what I'm thinking is that the story says something along the lines of "its wrong to not do what I'm doing (T/R)" which kinda translates to "my viewpoint is correct, they need to see what I'm seeing" etc. I think the function of the story is to control others so by believing it I'm not allowing others to be free.

There's more to be discovered here, tip of an iceberg