Author Topic: subject  (Read 7908 times)

Jed McKenna

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Re: subject
« Reply #195 on: March 02, 2017, 10:27:33 pm »
It might be an idea to ask it what the problem is. Folks to stupider things and you might just get and answer.

Love ya, Jed.

DragonTree

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« Reply #196 on: March 20, 2017, 09:56:55 pm »
Hey, good news.
In the shower today out of nowhere I just decided to stop this constant criticism and just stick with the primary train (i want to say river) of thought. So I'm just in it and with it now and it just goes blah blah blah and its great. Basically I stopped judging myself under the guise of being aware of thoughts and in doing so hacked off at least half of the selfing (more if you consider that judging likely was judging judging and judging judging...).
There's absolutely no benefit to this but I know its a healthy step towards self rather than the constant creation of barriers from it.
« Last Edit: March 22, 2017, 03:17:57 am by DragonTree »

Jed McKenna

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Re: subject
« Reply #197 on: March 23, 2017, 09:56:58 am »
I encourage healthy steps... take as many as you can.

Love ya, Jed.

DragonTree

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« Reply #198 on: March 30, 2017, 08:08:28 pm »
I`m quite depressed these days. Sometimes I get out of bed and just hate being alive for the majority of the day, and other days its the opposite. Its kinda like a psychological fever. On a depressed day I just started walking in front of traffic and stuff because I really didn`t care what drivers were doing (or would think) and its surprisingly liberating in a way. When someone asks how my day is I can just say "kill me" instead of putting on that happy person facade. So that's what the whole nice guy behaviour revolves around - pretending to be happy.

Oh and I've noticed a thing that keeps happening and it has to do with this forum. Every other day I think of a question that I want to post here and eventually come around to the conclusion that its not worth it to bother or I forget about it. What happens is I check out this place within a day or two and someone posts my (exact) questions, this happens a lot. One day I even thought of posting an open ended request for a koan because I was bored, thought against it, and one was posted the next day. Its peculiar and I'm not doing it on purpose.

What else... I've been working on that pointer "be aware of awareness" and occasionally meditate if I feel like sitting around. I just focus on my belly and say "I" as I exhale to get that I-am-ness. Honestly its quite disappointing, don't really know why.


Jed McKenna

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« Reply #199 on: March 31, 2017, 05:01:41 am »
If you don't want disappointments then stop making appointments (expectations)... then things can become delightful.

Love ya, Jed.

DragonTree

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« Reply #200 on: April 06, 2017, 02:18:43 pm »
Doing the I am focus eventually raised the question "why am I trying to be what I am?" This somehow makes me not worry about circumstances of my life to produce any result, it can't.

The depression I was having started up one morning with the dialogue "you'll never get enlightenment" and eventually I basically said "fine" because it really doesn't matter and the thing toppled.

I've been into bineural beats lately for meditation. I don't really know if it helps but it does make it more of an activity to sit down for a little while. In meditation what I've been noticing the area where everything springs out of nothing and dissolves into nothing. It changes your relationship to experience slightly, I notice my personality comes mostly out of an already present feeling rather than directly out of nothing the majority of the time. Sometimes I get scared, if you can look right at the fear it can dissolve and looking right at it makes it a lot smaller than it appears when you resist (most of the time I'm a major wuss though). Somehow my current favourite thing is to watch the sensation of a smile dissolve into nothing. I forgot where I was going with this, thanks for reading anyhow. :-*

Jed McKenna

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« Reply #201 on: April 07, 2017, 11:23:35 pm »
...and thank your for sharing.

Love ya, Jed.

DragonTree

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« Reply #202 on: April 13, 2017, 04:57:00 pm »
After reading a few books written by supposedly enlightened people I've come to the realization that I'm not a serious person. I don't wish to struggle with that perceived lack of ambition anymore. And then there's that - the decision not to struggle. Its a pretty fine-toothed comb, I noticed that I still take pointers and use them to paint the canvas rather than chip the paint. The one on my mind is that I believed in no experiencer and jammed that idea on top of the experience where I still perceive an experiencer, effectively denying what I would call a personal truth in favour of some stuff I read.

To me it seems like there is an experiencer, someone seeing behind the eyes. I ask what is seeing and I receive a faint signal where I KNOW I'm seeing, its so confident, and the sensation/thought can be traced back to a faint tension in the chest,

Its weird how whenever I investigate any sensory input and ask who/what is perceiving it seems so blatantly obvious that its me there like some central hub receiving it all yet at the same time if I ask who/what am I there is no satisfactory answer or way of investigating.

At the same time all this mental vomit is being produced there's a lot of doubt about everything. Yesterday I even googled great doubt. I've been doing quite a bit of sitting and watching thoughts and it has brought me back to a frame of mind where I just see them and don't even have to judge, its just known that its not, and yet not really...

Jed McKenna

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« Reply #203 on: April 14, 2017, 02:32:38 am »
 ??? ??? ??? ??? ???

I doubt you totally, suck it up princess.

Love ya, Jed.

DragonTree

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« Reply #204 on: April 15, 2017, 08:38:26 am »
"You are your faith, without it you are not" -Charles Manson

I think it clicked. Its not so much hearing thoughts but listening to them. Fairly subtle, but if they aren't about you its difficult to stay interested. Its more like ew get off please.
Think I can hang up the phone now, take care.

Jed McKenna

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« Reply #205 on: April 15, 2017, 10:21:10 am »
Uhhh... I don't understand... but that's o.k., I don't understand anything.

Love ya, Jed.

DragonTree

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« Reply #206 on: April 21, 2017, 02:22:54 pm »
Through a coincidental chain of events I am back on track.

If you've reasoned your way out of doing your 'work' I suggest the book War Of (On?) Art. It'll help with procrastination.

I've simply decided to a minimum of 2 hours of work a day with no distractions (such as posting findings to JEd!!) until afterwards.

Today I feel relief of the recurring anxiety and thoughts about truthish subjects... the formula is simple. Just do the work. If you do the work you don't have to worry anymore.


DragonTree

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« Reply #207 on: April 23, 2017, 04:03:49 pm »
If you happen to experience unreasonable happiness it seems to be a logical stopping point. Why continue? It stopped me before but perhaps now that it lost its novelty its easier to see through.

Bliss is resistance. The only reasoning behind this statement is that it will give you temptation to stop, probably because discontent is no longer the fuel that can drive the car from that point on. The fuel which will carry you on the long haul is further. Further will remind you that any possible reason to stop what you are doing is resistance. She is cunning.

Jed McKenna

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« Reply #208 on: April 24, 2017, 05:08:12 am »
Screw bliss... you got to blast right on through it.

Love ya, Jed.

DragonTree

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« Reply #209 on: April 26, 2017, 01:27:05 am »
Man I got into a typing frenzy.//

The biggest questions I get now are so vague and general and sneaky. Its always something like what is THIS or what is IT, is it this is it that, is there an it?
its so ****
is it ****? see how it just snuck in there? AND THERE? trying to illuminate questions by whatever means just makes IT sneak in the back door.
I've never felt so **** crazy just chasing around a stupid vague term like this or that but its always...  >:(  is it always? what is it that's always? is there an it thats always.
etcetecera