INVISIBLE GURU FORUM

That's fine if I'm talking about suicide I'm generally directing negative attention towards myself.

Anyways I had a short dream where "clearly dad mistook me for mom" and I'm surprised. I'm not sure if I'm repressing stuff or making stuff up on the spot but the rationale is that of a child.
The piece fits and can resolve numerous shady corners of " my life"  into clarity but I'm not sure. A bit glad though.

More SA and weird stuff will probably keep showing up all on its own.

I read your "about maya" rant and let that mull about in my head all day.
I've definitely noticed the fatigue you mentioned...
Since I've been writing more frequently there's just been more and more things popping up which requires my time, haven't had a free weekend in recent memory.

In Damndest, there's a part where Jed is talking about the TV show getting closer to the end of the season so the characters are made more likeable (so you'll tune in next season). Lately I've been going through a battery of sentimental bullshit, friends are moving closer to me, family keeps hitting me up and making plans, yada yada, people getting married every weekend, the cat usually bothers me when I write (I kick her out now). If I mention anything I'm doing at all people weave their stupid threads around mine (a confidential plan policy is being implemented).

In Incorrect, Julie mentions that she doesn't know someone would do it with people around without going crazy. This mechanic is likely what she was talking about (where people turn into agents (the matrix  )of maya).

"Yes, one can make the characters more friendly and likable..."
I wasn't doing this intentionally, I don't know if its actually happening (just seems to be the trend), and I don't know if it could be done intentionally.

The metaphors about falling or drowning are a little more on point than I would have imagined. When the rabid disbelief things starts picking up the pace it seems like I can let go... this drums up an awful lot of scary thoughts
"you don't exist"
"its meaningless"
etc.,
They're very sticky thoughts.
I'm so used to seeing you write those things (fear bargaining?) that I am able to be aware of them when they arise and be aware of the fear instead of (whatever) by it. Appreciate the conditioning.

But saying this, posting, giving in to these weird little temptations is frantic swimming. Its not though (and its not that its not (it?)).

I can see this whole "must report results to Jed" process and it is not helping me one bit. If I continue to linger on this forum its slavery. Can;t unsee. It seems like something valuable to lose at the moment but I'm used to the trend and (I'll) probably be disinterested pretty soon anyway.

No questions Jed I just want to rant about "life" stuff which I think you think is boring.

Mom wants me to see grandma. Haven't seen her in long enough to knower, I don't want to contact grandma.

The context can be altered - go and meet with an old lady. It's more attractive to do at this point but around the time I consider this..
I don't hink I've ever given a **** about family affairs but I attend anyway. Why must Impress people I never see or think about? I only see and think about them when I'm there trying to impress them only so that I don't disappoint them.

There's a funeral coming up and I don't want to go. I told mom I'd go but then this happens. As far as family is concerned I want to disappear and be untreachable. I've been to a funeral before and it sucked, why do another? we can be more creative
Its the same with friends... its starting. I find myself at the table in a bar somewhere listening to the same conversations on repeat wondering when I can leave. Its just like being a kid bored at grandmas house. The only reason I stick around and try to participate is obligations..
obligations beget obligations but they are not obligatory

ps: breathing getting better!

Thank you, I appreciate the surprisingly rational questions.

--
I've had this idea that all thoughts are the same thought. The one same tree, somehow viewed as infinite variety. If you were in a forest of 1 duplicate tree and you wanted to convince me why certain trees were important, unique, special, (whatever), I would find it amusing. My point is that there's no strategy or paradigm within thoughts, just wandering through the (apparent) woods.

I've sat around being highly mindful of breath and observing thoughts as they arise. I center awareness on the thoughts and they disappear and I'm brought to awareness every time, every single thought has the same effect as "I am" when centered on.
Yesternight I was doing this and noticed some kind of mental jaggedness. It's like there's a glitch, it's similar to a youtube video which lags and catches up quickly and it's subtle. Hopefully not a brain tumor. I can reproduce the glitch to some extent so I'll let you know how the investigation goes. Whisper in my ear says its just maya but I have to participate until interest fades.

Good plan, just keep watching.

Love ya, Jed.

Yes, very cool... 

Love ya, Jed.