Author Topic: subject  (Read 7095 times)

Jed McKenna

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Re: subject
« Reply #30 on: June 05, 2016, 09:50:28 am »
Sounds like a nasty infection, Jedisemiatosis.

Take some Supressitol.

Love ya, Jed.

DragonTree

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« Reply #31 on: June 06, 2016, 04:15:29 pm »
The current method I'm using is basically mindfulness. Basically I expect that I'll see more unconscious processes and somehow that'll reveal the me, peel it away, then realize truth, fly away into the sunset, etc.

The flaw with this is that any method implies a goal. I'm trying to make truth a goal by any effort towards it (effectively pushing it away).

So right now I feel as though there's nothing I could possibly do to realize truth, yet I'm not realized, suggesting that I'm lying to myself and there's still belief that I can make it happen. This would explain why I'm still posting. Somehow I believe that posting here will make something happen, either through jed or through brainstorming.

Emotionally it still feels like I have to do something yet logically I know nothing works. That's a lie, I seem to think I have to burn myself out, yet there's a contradiction there because I know that putting effort anywhere is fruitless so I don't even want to bother. It seems like the next thing I'd normally do is stick with the emotion but I've played that strategy and I'm done with biting my own tail... (that's a lie)


Further? That's pretty much saying don't stay here, which implies keep moving forward... even though there's no point.

I feel like I want to be frustrated but the emotion is MIA.
...pointless

Jed McKenna

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« Reply #32 on: June 06, 2016, 11:28:43 pm »
You can't push your self away from yourself, only occult it, layer it over with more illusion. Don't seek truth, seek to reveal untruth. Anything you can see, hear, feel, taste or smell is untruth. ANYTHING!

Emotions may be in your way and consume energy, but they have nothing to do with Truth other than cover it up with illusory importances.

Love ya, Jed


DragonTree

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« Reply #33 on: June 07, 2016, 04:13:34 pm »
well... ****. For this purpose that was an extremely effective post Jed. That also explains why I was contemplating the word "everything" the other day.

So now I can't shake the sense of this is a dream. Every little ounce of everything is dream. Suicide actually seems like a viable option to this character. I don't know whether or not to refer to myself in 3rd person or not but that isn't important.

The question has become
who/what is dreaming?

Jed McKenna

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« Reply #34 on: June 07, 2016, 11:26:42 pm »
What is aware that there seems to be dreaming.

Love ya, Jed.

DragonTree

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« Reply #35 on: June 08, 2016, 10:41:08 pm »
So this got me quite frustrated, which is good. I ended up doing a guided meditation where I just zoned out. Trying to be aware of things has strangled awareness.

Being relaxed made me look at the smaller things I've been putting aside. There's a lot of little behavioural things which I've been ignoring because I was chasing an idea about a dream. Recently I read a passage from Spiritually INcorrect where Julie mentions the huge underground mushroom...


(documenting stories to work on)
There's anxiety about my living situation. I have no money and rent will be due eventually. I'm fine with having no money for my own sake but it causes anxiety when I think of what others will think when I come up short. Surprisingly this is causing a myriad of odd anxieties such as not wanting to watch tv around roommates.

Next there's the animals. I get upset about stupid things like the dog eating cat food. I only noticed it today when I saw him trying to eat some cat food and instead of getting mad at him I handed him the dish and chuckled about it. There's still something in this area, I can tell because I get the impulse to shout at the cats when they scratch the furniture for attention.

The 3rd one is a little hazy at the moment but I need to look at the anxiety surrounding the possibility of NOT getting T/R which may be responsible for my most recent mirage chases.


Might get a little notebook to document things throughout the day in order to aid this process

Jed McKenna

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« Reply #36 on: June 09, 2016, 02:21:37 am »
Definitely a good idea...

Love ya, Jed.

DragonTree

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« Reply #37 on: June 11, 2016, 04:44:42 am »
Jumping into the mechanics of my behaviour...


Sometimes I do things or just have the urge to do something bad, then a feeling pops up which I reflexively avoid.

Often times I don't want others to see what I'm up to. Originally I thought that I didn't want others to see that I wasn't searching for a job but then I learned that I also hide my job-searching behaviour as well. ???
My mind makes itself pretty busy trying to manage what others think (at least it seems that way). Really it just gives me bad feelings when I'm not living up to an image. If I speak quietly when I want to speak loud anxiety arises and that tends to constrict my voice further.

Effort is very often focused in the future by preemptively thinking of responses for anticipated conversations. I can't remember the example but at one point I caught myself imagining the past and using that to project into future.

Also there's a lot of times where I just make effort to change the present and it might be something as the urge to change the song on the radio.


A lot of these things are just moments where I'm not content with the present and then a favourable image pops up where I can distract myself. For now I'm going to work on staying with anything that arises.

Jed McKenna

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« Reply #38 on: June 12, 2016, 12:03:52 am »
... soo......

Love ya, Jed.

DragonTree

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« Reply #39 on: June 12, 2016, 12:54:21 am »
"... soo......"
?????

If its somehow not apparent to you I'm completely lost and I'm going to flail around like a retard

DragonTree

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« Reply #40 on: June 12, 2016, 01:41:51 am »
Asking "who am I?"

In asking the question I have expectations about.... something I kinda forgot already. Anyway I was looking with a kinesthetic sensation as if there would be a kinesthetic answer.


Jed McKenna

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« Reply #41 on: June 12, 2016, 01:55:41 am »
Stop expecting an answer, the question is the answer.

Love ya, Jed.

DragonTree

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« Reply #42 on: June 13, 2016, 06:47:16 pm »

Anyway just by working through things I've ended up at a meditative mindset. It changes your relationship to your perception of things (but doesn't change them). The best way I could explain it is to imagine you're a fog that everything that arises and falls into/from is seen. This is a poor representation. The easiest way to notice it is to make a noise and then when the noise disappears its sitting there where the noise was, however, this seems to be more of a suspicion because it can't actually be looked at.
Obviously I've labeled it with a name (nothing) and also identify with it (the concept). This can be worked through. It just seems like I'm at a point where I'm adding a layer, removing the layer, and repeating.

So this led me to say the universe occurs within me and now I have something to work with. Just as planned


DragonTree

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« Reply #43 on: June 13, 2016, 10:30:47 pm »
I think i'm stuck. It seems like every effort I put in only serves delusion,
If I ask "what is true" nothing is presented to slay anymore,
"who am I" just leaves me sitting there blank

-attached to results
-fear of falling back (staying) asleep

Jed McKenna

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« Reply #44 on: June 13, 2016, 10:46:31 pm »
Then, just sit there blank...

Love ya, Jed.