hello, back after a short hissyfit... I'll try keep drama to a minimum.
I need to unload a bit. Apologies if the post is long, you don't have to read it.
A little while ago i moved into a new house with multiple roommates. I don't have a room, I sleep on the floor in the bootroom and I like it.
There's a few cats and a dog here. The dog is starved for attention and the cats are either overfed or underfed. I've started taking the dog for walks and feeding the animals.
It really annoys me when the dog stares at me while I'm eating. This built up for a couple of days and it kept making me mad. I was aware and could do nothing, the other day I was eating an apple and the dog was staring at me. I got mad. I threw the apple at him, then decided to pick up the apple and feed it to him. I don't get mad at the dog anymore.
Lately I've been trying to listen to guided meditations a lot but every time there's some sort of interruption. Animals walking on me, people come up to me, my phone dies when I'm finally alone, etc. Even trying to meditate without the audio tracks is difficult to find time for. I went out and floated in an isolation tank one day and sat on a rock in the middle of a stream yesterday but beyond that I think I can take a hint. Stop meditating.
Recently I just stopped masturbating altogether. The amount of insanity I have is energy
I've begun to notice that I now question the various gurus I used to listen to. Ironically this inspired me to return to this forum. I used to unquestioningly listen to "awakened people" in the same way that I used to listen to my mind. The thorn is removed, so now the other thorn can be discarded. The inner guru is the only guy worth listening to right now and I suspect he's on his way out the door as well.
I don't actually want to be truth realized. I've come to this conclusion because if I did, I would.
Every time I get scared I realize this isn't about me at all. The other day I went for a job interview (I don't think I got the job) and somehow the conversation got steered into talking about meditation.
Just sitting around the house and occasionally picking up garbage really clears up the energy. There was a fair amount of bickering in the household before I showed up, I've done nothing intentionally but nobody even knows what they were mad about anymore. I think the dog is happy too