Author Topic: Thank You  (Read 1375 times)

Hugh

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Re: Thank You
« Reply #30 on: March 30, 2017, 09:03:50 am »
Okay. I do not have nearly enough to retire given my current life situation and expectations moving forward. No one wants to be destitute.  My whole life has been directed at making enough $ to retire. Stopping my trading here is tantamount to giving up my life actually. It means I must keep working forever - at a job. A demanding job. I have incorporated my quest for TR into having a certain amount of $ to live on so I can give up my job and concentrate fully on TR. I believed the universe would give me this. And I have to earn enough $ to give my ex-wife monthly checks. All of this has been incorporated into my TR. The universe can do anything right?  If I just stop working, the house goes away. The relationship becomes unbearably stressed. I probably go to jail for defaulting on monthly payments to the ex - after she seizes literally everything I have. And I am left with nothing. So if I do all of that and then can't find the darn gateless gate how screwed would that be?  God look at all that garbage!  All that fantasy, dream stuff.

Whew. What a story. It's a doozy. I'm f'd.

Hugh

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Re: Thank You
« Reply #31 on: March 30, 2017, 09:19:12 am »
I am trying to be honest with myself here. I don't want "enlightenment light" but do I really have to destroy everyone else's life to get TR? 

I was once a younger man. And I was alone. And I was dying to make sense of everything. I went on a car trip alone and begged god for help. The point of the trip was to find something. Anything. Not sure I even had a destination in mind. Why oh why could I not see what needed to be done then. I asked but got no answer. After that I turned away from all these questions and dove into life as it is known to most people. And it was a hell of a painful journey to being divorced with three kids and a new life with new wife and house and cars. I don't really feel attachment to these material things but the obligations to be a father and husband weigh heavily on me.

Wow. I have been working at this for a long time now but have gone nowhere. I know all these story tales are not real. I get that. Maybe I am just a pretender. Maybe I don't want this TR after all. But I can't sit still!  I can't just accept this farce when I know it's pretend. I can't accept the dream and I can't move forward. F$&@. Looking back over the last 8 years it seems like I've been at this exact impasse the whole time. Just moving up and down, back and forth along this line seeing different views but never crossing that line. I am deflated.

Hugh

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Re: Thank You
« Reply #32 on: March 30, 2017, 09:42:13 am »
But I can't worry about all the crap around me. That will fall where it will. Just trying to shine the light of truth on my next barricade. That's all I can do. That's it. So. Money. I know it's a ghost, as are all the ornaments hanging from my entrenched idea of it.

So I must shine truth on it to vanquish it. What truth?  What truth lights this up?

Jed McKenna

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Re: Thank You
« Reply #33 on: March 31, 2017, 05:30:47 am »
Dear Hugh:

I appreciate you sincere sharing of your shituation. (misspelling intended). I suggest you can shine the light of Truth on it by realizing you are the biggest b.s. er I have heard from in... oh... a couple of weeks anyways.

You are living in stories and stories are ALL made up... so maybe time to man up. You could take an H/A move of putting better people in your life for a start. I have lived through two extended marriages... no one sued anyone, ever. At the time I was certainly far from T/R, but close to H/A and I chose good people to be with. Delightful, entertain and loving mates.... the fact it lasted almost two decades in each case means little, it's the ending that really counts... because they ALL end and very few people understand that... or even think of it.

This relationship  b.s. applies to more than just wives and lovers... it applies to employers, friends and even casual acquaintances. When you are T/R you will realize that all of that was without importance, however, it was a much easier and more pleasant way to enjoy this human experience

Be a good actor in other's movies and chose good actors in your movie... heck, if you want a Grammy or Oscar, that's a necessity. And if you don't give a damn about the awards, you are much closer to getting them than you think.

Bob Dylan didn't even show up for his Nobel Prize for Literature.... now that's what I call a cool actor setting a hell of an example...  you got a lota nerve to day you are my friend... when I was down, you just stood there grinning.

Love ya Bob, Jed.


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Hugh

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Re: Thank You
« Reply #34 on: May 02, 2017, 12:45:33 pm »
Thanks Jed. Hey I'm reading a book that I think you would enjoy - if you haven't already read it. The Black Swan by Nassim Taleb. It is deeply insightful and very funny. I know you have little time and perhaps no interest but I keep thinking of you as I read it which I finally accepted as motivation enough to tell you.

Peace.

Jed McKenna

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Re: Thank You
« Reply #35 on: May 04, 2017, 05:51:47 am »
Milk it for all it's worth....   :o :o ::) :P

Love ya, Jed

Hugh

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Re: Thank You
« Reply #36 on: June 07, 2017, 09:33:59 am »
Hi jed. Reading your latest. Why it takes me so long to get what I already know?  Of course it's everything. But the everything is just what's piled up. It's a traffic jam that's just there. I may be in a decent position - already carving out big chunks of ice from the berg and watching them float away. Maybe. Maybe not. Still there are lurking tendrils and not so shadowy clingers. I just have to do the math.  Angst. That's what I feel when I think I'm feeling good. This gnawing, grabbing, holding dark hooded figure pinning me as I writhe.  That's on a good day.  No need to be an a-hole, but all of them must go. 

Hugh

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Re: Thank You
« Reply #37 on: June 07, 2017, 11:41:48 am »
I'm not telling you this shite, btw, looking for feedback. Just trying to clarify thoughts. Why write here?  Good question. Don't know. It's here. You're here. Optimizing my chances to open the next stuck door?


Jed McKenna

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Re: Thank You
« Reply #38 on: June 09, 2017, 03:49:01 am »
Where is ''here'''  ??? ??? ??? ::) ::) ::) :P :P

Hugh

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Re: Thank You
« Reply #39 on: June 09, 2017, 06:30:10 pm »
Indeed. Here. Where?  No-where. Here is just a placeholder in the illusion of all that is. No here. Not no-where.

This paragraph helps me:

“Everything outward is vanity, yes, self-fulfilling selfhood. You can also groom yourself for the unseen seer, which is the agent or agency we feel is watching us, judging us. Even when we don’t give it a name like God or Allah or mother or Big Brother, most of us have this sense that we are under scrutiny at all times. This is just another type of audience member we can direct our performance to, as if by believing we are being seen, we can believe that we exist, and that we are as we imagine ourselves to be.”

Beautiful clarity Jed.

I am behaving under the watchful eye of some felt agency!  Of course I am. F$&@!  How did I not see that. I am performing for the vaguery of some overseer .....  godda$$&@!  Thanks for the heads up.

Thanks.

Jed McKenna

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Re: Thank You
« Reply #40 on: June 10, 2017, 12:59:45 am »
.... my pleasure...

Love ya, Jed.

Hugh

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Re: Thank You
« Reply #41 on: June 10, 2017, 10:25:46 am »
So I have very clearly established that I am performing, acting for seen and unseen entities. That is now very obvious. I want the world to see me in a certain way and I'm working very hard to accomplish that. I want to be known as a loving, caring, giving and good man who loves his children. Good. Now what?  I know none of it is real. I have identified the problem but how do I blow it up?  I recognize that it is a performance, an act. Now what???

Hugh

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Re: Thank You
« Reply #42 on: June 10, 2017, 10:27:30 am »
Btw, is there anyway to erase all but the last page or post of this thread?  Forgetting that I don't want to read any of it, it would be more manageable in a few ways.

Hugh

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Re: Thank You
« Reply #43 on: June 11, 2017, 08:15:24 am »
okay.  so I'm writing about this now.....today.  ii've come up with the very obvious fact that i am controlled by the concept of image.  i put work into both creating a "positive" image and negating a "negative" one.  I recognize that this all comes from me but that i need it reflected back to me by the others.  this is the source of their control over me.  i abdicated the fing control to them.  now i want it back.  or rather, i dont want to care.....  feeling stuck.  can i just drop the whole caring thing?  is that possible?  seems like ive been stuck here before and made progress, but here i am again.  this thing is big.  how do you kill big things?  with a big bomb!  you have told me previously to just stop.  don't know what that means or how to do it.  any other advice?  for now, i'll keep putting things down on "paper" and see what comes of it

Hugh

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Re: Thank You
« Reply #44 on: June 11, 2017, 08:58:23 am »
maybe i'm getting somewhere.  i need to destroy the 5 year old within.  that little child who cares about how others think of him/me.  that little needy spoiled pain in the a@@ who i have actively empowered to run my life!  wtf??  who does that?  i did that.  but i know he's a crafty sob.  he sometimes convinces me that i like to be perceived in certain ways and when it happens i like it.  can i kill him off?  i need to now wrest the power from him.  ignore the child.  don't feed it.  that's the answer.  must remain vigilant.  dammit.  i such at vigilance. 

i've been at this for a long time now.  it is disheartening now, at my ripe old age, to discover how i've really not gotten anywhere.  i'm still outside knocking.  i must keep that image of the spoiled 5 yo in my mind at all times.  no one can stand spoiled children.  and that is who i empowered to run my life.