Author Topic: The awe-full truth  (Read 4054 times)

EternalDawning

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Re: The awe-full truth
« Reply #60 on: October 13, 2017, 07:09:26 pm »
Yes, I get deeply silly sometimes.   Its as though a hormonal shift moves all of these thoughts to the forefront and though I know I am not limited by this experience and the word depression is just a creative concept, I'll start to feel sadness over the pointlessness, stories of loss of concept of self or whatever. 

"I've been going through a lot the past 5 or so years." I wanted to say, "and I'm tired", but I don't want to lie to myself and reinforce the entangled assumptions I can now see in this story.  Still when I re-read this I can experience my identifcation with it because I'm crying. 

Anyway,  I appreciate the support and nudges in the right direction.

Thank you. 

Jed McKenna

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Re: The awe-full truth
« Reply #61 on: October 15, 2017, 08:49:14 am »
Have you read many of my Rants?

Love ya, Jed.

EternalDawning

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Re: The awe-full truth
« Reply #62 on: October 15, 2017, 10:03:54 am »
I've read pretty much all of the recent ones, since I've been on here.  Some of the earlier ones. 

EternalDawning

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Re: The awe-full truth
« Reply #63 on: October 15, 2017, 03:19:47 pm »
I keep having intense emotional experiences to looking at painful (negative more often lately than positive) human perspectives and really not liking myself sometimes.  My ideas of myself all seem shattered AND meaningless.... which is sort of a mixed blessing?  There is a part of me that doesn't want to let stories go... I guess?  I've seen it from outside of the dream once from perspective of identification with the storyteller creator (Maya identification?), which loves the perfect dance of this beautiful and dramatic life/death comedy/tragedy.  This creator view is all encompassing and there are no mistakes and nowhere else any one would want to or could be or is or isn't being already.   Anyway... that Reality has no problems and is what it is and here (I think) I am believing I am a person working out my human dramas and traumas and crying practically every other day.  I'm sure I'll get over myself eventually, one way or another inevitably.   I guess I'm just tired and complaining. 

Jed McKenna

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Re: The awe-full truth
« Reply #64 on: October 16, 2017, 08:48:52 am »
Yes, you will eventually get over yourself. One way or tother.

Love ya, Jed.

P.S. I go over you a long time ago.
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EternalDawning

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Re: The awe-full truth
« Reply #65 on: November 01, 2017, 10:43:30 am »
My mind is very active.  I can stop thinking, detach from it, most of the time for a moment.  The mind is constantly defining everything, imagining conversations, easily distracted, and making up stories.   

I experience stress, tension, and pain in some form quite consistently though it is much stronger as I go into my monthly cycle.  Perhaps the physical changes magnify identification with the body. 

I think about death a lot.  Not as anything permenant or undesirable, but more often as a part of everything I see and experience.   The idea of complication threatens me more than the idea of death, which seems much simpler.  Not that I have reason to jump ship but I think about it sometimes.  I find I most often appreciate my life and time here.  I know there is no where else to have such an experience and nowhere else I would choose to be.

Everything is pretty much normal except that my mind is all over the place.  Actually that's normal too.  I'm just more aware of it and it's tiring. I imagine discipline is what I am being be pushed towards... like the negative space creating the motivation/form. 

It seems I am doing everything I can to avoid being still most of the time.

I seem compelled towards the game of seeking and holding what I know apart from me.  I think it's just habitual and because there's nothing to replace it I just fall back into it.  I'm sure at some point I'll build up enough stress to bring me to my knees but in the meantime I seem to be playing games with myself here. 

I seem to attempt every avenue before really letting go again.  I feel like an early amphibian learning to breathe air but opting for the semi-liquid sludge of a drying out pond.  I know it makes no sense.  I've experienced myself apart from the failing human constructs and it's by far prefreable.

I wobble between attachment and detachment, thinking about the nature of resistance or whatever... the experience of duality..., considering all of these things and always ending up at the same place.  It doesn't matter.  But I forget that. 

Jed McKenna

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Re: The awe-full truth
« Reply #66 on: November 01, 2017, 11:14:42 am »
 ;) ;) ;)

EternalDawning

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Re: The awe-full truth
« Reply #67 on: November 08, 2017, 07:52:42 am »
After walking the dogs in the field this thought kept appearing,  "Am I poking through it or is IT poking through me."

I stepped back from acceptance of oneness again for "reasons".

Who want's to take full responsibility? Nobody but One.

All of the thoughts of the implications of this seem to at first continually come to their own conclusions. Then they seem to collide with sparks as ideas meet their maker.

There are so many ways to look at things. I am aware. This separation between what I see and am seems a freeing gap. But it is as easy to slip into as a whale's belly. Lots of things happen in a whale's belly I hear.

Now I am walking a tight rope. Trying to stretch it out as much as possible and then I will be looking at the frayed ends wondering how to weave this illusion together again.

You know that in between state between waking and sleeping. Like layers of consciousness. In my dreams I can fly up through the ceiling (and walk through walls). Now there is this sense of layers of consciousness I see these things in my minds eye. It's like another sort of projection but one based along the lines of aligning.... if that makes sense?

EternalDawning

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Re: The awe-full truth
« Reply #68 on: November 09, 2017, 09:11:37 am »
What to do now?  That's another doorway to thinking. 

I suspect if anything is going to happen, it's going to unfold as everything else has despite thinking around and about it. 

I walked into the bathroom considering the possibility of adopting some new beliefs.  The thought sort of shocked me.  The beliefs had to do with personal goals. 

Of course I can change my beliefs and motivate myself with other stories!  Seems overly simple but I felt suspicious and wanted to audit this idea and look at the motives. 

Beliefs seem to naturally change, constructs seem to evolve, and I seem to compulsively construct them as often as they are all recognized as false.  The belief construct seems tied into reinforcing identity in a separate self?

Maybe I should just stop thinking abou this **** but I am interested in any reflection you might give. 

Jed McKenna

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Re: The awe-full truth
« Reply #69 on: November 09, 2017, 11:50:43 am »
Write out a true belief... and prove it to yourself.

Love ya, Jed.

EternalDawning

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Re: The awe-full truth
« Reply #70 on: November 11, 2017, 08:25:17 am »
Yeah, You know how to shut me up.  LOL :P

"True belief" is an oxymoron.

Anyway, just swirling around the drain chasing my tail. 

Lots of love. 

🎈


Jed McKenna

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Re: The awe-full truth
« Reply #71 on: November 13, 2017, 10:16:26 pm »
We are all oxymorons.... morons living on oxygen.

Love ya, Jed.

P.S. Remember to breath.
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EternalDawning

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Re: The awe-full truth
« Reply #72 on: December 02, 2017, 11:00:51 pm »
Thanks for helping me out Jed Mckenna.  I appreciate you :) <3 <3 <3 1+1=1  >:( :D ::) :P

Jed McKenna

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Re: The awe-full truth
« Reply #73 on: December 03, 2017, 03:03:34 am »
 :D :D :D :D
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EternalDawning

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Re: The awe-full truth
« Reply #74 on: January 20, 2018, 07:35:38 am »
I feel broken apart shattered.  Noticing it and how these definitions do no justice at all.  I have no definition but my mind wants to continuously make one out of anything.  Whatever.  I feel I can focus on anything and that becomes a seeming reality.  Great blessings and gratitude. 

I try to consider, what am I resisting?  Something? Anything?  Is it just a feeling of being a body I feel?  Sometimes it's more clear.  I notice my tension and let it go.  I feel without my own definition or purpose and the thought that wants to be disconcerted hasn't fully deserted and I assume I must get used to the echo. 

There are these transition phases it seems... the inbetweens feel like slow falling sometimes.  Nothing to hold onto.  Thinking free fall and nothing to do with it.  I feel sometimes easier to detach from my body, but I struggle with thoughts of things to do.  Packing for the trip.  Taking care of ****.  But if I don't mind minimalism, everything is perfect going through this.  It's a lot though on every level circumstantially and by the meaning I give it.  Not wanting to let too much go. 

Sometimes the paradox just above my head is simply bypassed by knowing the thinker and seeing how it's all working to create an illusion of thinking and meaning out of a duality that holds no truth really.  But it's something to see.  Or is it?  I feel easily fooled by it or rather by the fool I recognize as me. 

It is funny from a certain perspective, but what are perspectives really?  What is this ride that only one is on cohesively?  Why do we even try to define it?  And who do I mean by we?  What am I imagining?  It seems a thin barrier to everything and the aspect of mind that does, keeps on wanting to know things based on the way stuff seems which is always changing and has no baring really except by interpretation to whatever, whoever, myself seems to be a part of out there. 

Maybe what I am trying to get at is attempting to understand a lingering desire to define ****.  Maybe defining **** is what diffuses it.  Saying '****' feels good right now.  Ok I'm over it. 

Every moment is a new moment and there's a holding on too.  A tension and desire to ... communicate maybe.  To just try to understand what it is I am going through.  But why try when it really can't be defined from that angle.  Why do I linger and not take a leap more often.  I feel safe somehow in the not knowing and not minding it.  Like my pain tolerance is both tightened and lessened simultaneously.   **** it.  Too much thinking about it, I am imagining a struggle with my own mind and from that angle there is no solution because the struggle doesn't really exist.  It's just an unfolding, transition time, whatever, however I want to define it for the moment.  In the next it will change and I'll probably wonder why I made anything of it at all.