This post is breaking the rules. Please forgive my rambling. This is my attempt to not feel so isolated with thoughts like this and also helps me look at it. Would love to hear your thoughts or a nice smack in the forhead.
It’s interesting when I take time to step back and look at everything. Like walking past a mirror if one could imagine never having seen one before, it’s hard not to come back to it again and again to try to understand it/oneself. Reminds me of the story of narcissist, a common theme and symbol these days. What is this play coming to?
My mind is compulsively defining. Biologically based and predictable in nature.
Who am I? Can’t define that honestly, but over time with some perspective, I see the obvious predictable pattern of a someone. A person it seems. It’s me but it’s not me. The mind can’t define itself but can seem to nearly induce or experience the sense of a wholistic notion it can’t itself bridge the gap to. It attempts to caress the edges of a it symbolically, poetically maybe. It’s amazingly flat by comparison to the knowing of it and yet I try to study and make sense out of it so my mind has something to land on that’s solid and reliable.
It’s a bizarre thing to experience infinitely expansive timeless views of everything and then spend most of my time **** around, scrambling around, distracting myself and returning again and again to this odd **** realization I can’t shake and haven’t fully wrapped my brain around. My natural curiosity and addiction to defining and understanding and figuring things out seems to sometimes be the veil obscuring the experience of knowing it. How silly is that?
I think I want to find a way of understanding it more fully to deal with fear of manifesting and fear of the undefined.
When consciousness blends into or get’s in tune with ... I’ll just call it, the undefined state, some interesting perspectives occur. The manifestation of thoughts and inability to distinguish/define what is in charge by this cause/effect regime can be disturbing. When I don’t get entangled in some thought about it I experience feeling embraced by the understanding that comes automatically and experience a sense of unconditional love and all of this cause/effect merging and it’s ridiculously amazing.
The desire to be in that state in itself I think is an addiction but one that leads to letting go of the addiction to self defeating/limited thinking patterns.
I see fears come up, like it’s not socially or financially preferable to accept a wholistic paradigm and full responsibility and step away from the methods of “attaining” and “understanding” things I and everyone seems so used to. I can look at and question the attachments that lead to those concerns and dissolve them over time, but it does seem to take time and attention to allow it.
What do you do with your mind when you just don’t seem to want to let it go even though it seems a bit insane, stubborn and irrational?