Author Topic: there is nothing that represent it  (Read 375 times)

halfsynthetic

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there is nothing that represent it
« on: July 23, 2017, 09:35:53 pm »
I sought a word or phrase that would be truly random, free from the constraints of my physical self and there was nothing.

Even now I am compelled to look back and censor. To censor the authenticity in the intent. All I do is pretend.

All I do is pretend.

All I do is pretend.

Even now, this, is pretend. Why do I pretend? Why do I continue to do this.

What is my lust? For my fear. What is this sick dual thing that I have been all this time?

Even now I am a farce. Don't listen to me, except to laugh and deride, I am a facade.

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Jed McKenna

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Re: there is nothing that represent it
« Reply #1 on: July 23, 2017, 11:16:50 pm »
Welcome to the forum. Although you may not find it particularly comfortable, you are experiencing the first symptom of growing into H/A. Welcome to the journey.

Now that you know you are an inauthentic fraud it makes you different from almost everyone else, who also is, but doesn't know it.

Tell me what comes next.

Love ya, Jed.

halfsynthetic

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Re: there is nothing that represent it
« Reply #2 on: July 23, 2017, 11:26:15 pm »
How can I give up when I can't give up?

How can I accept being this way? It is not enough that every thing else is also false. I must not be false.

And yet I am false even in wanting to be true. What a stupid game I am playing. I should just give up.

But I can't give up. The pull is there, I must go on.

I am so afraid to go on.

I wrap myself in my shame, but ev

------

My words become false almost as soon as I use them. Why do I think?

halfsynthetic

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Re: there is nothing that represent it
« Reply #3 on: July 23, 2017, 11:33:56 pm »
I suppose my question is;

Why do I ask?

Or

Why would I need a question?

I seem to need one.

halfsynthetic

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Re: there is nothing that represent it
« Reply #4 on: July 24, 2017, 12:49:07 am »
This will be my question: What does it take to make the first step? Rather than the process that builds up to it, but the cutting away, the permanent alteration.

I cannot know or understand what comes after, so what now can be done to go there?

halfsynthetic

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Re: there is nothing that represent it
« Reply #5 on: July 24, 2017, 01:21:16 am »
I cannot choose to take the First Step.

Then I am already on my way or never will be.

Before I was born, I was possessed by an insanity.

I don't belong here.
I don't belong anywhere.

I am like nothing.
There is nothing like me.

The only question is: what bleeds next?

Jed McKenna

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Re: there is nothing that represent it
« Reply #6 on: July 24, 2017, 05:19:30 am »
You already know the answer...  :P :P :P

Love ya, Jed.

halfsynthetic

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Re: there is nothing that represent it
« Reply #7 on: July 24, 2017, 01:02:32 pm »
How do I reach the point of simply knowing? It feels like I'm simply making everything up.

Jed McKenna

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Re: there is nothing that represent it
« Reply #8 on: July 24, 2017, 02:12:01 pm »
You've already got a sense of what ''knowing'' is like but you aren't paying attention to yourself. How do you know you are making everything up, as you said? You just know. Describe it as a feeling if you like, no problem, but it is a feeling of knowing. As you dig deeper you will get the feeling of knowing that nothing is knowable. It's not going to come from your head and your thinking, it will just be a feeling. Taking it further you will realize (eventually) that Truth Is.. and is the only thingy that is.

So, do you want T/R or do you just want become a happy adult? Your choice, maybe.... but find out for yourself and don't listen to me.

Love ya, Jed.

halfsynthetic

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Re: there is nothing that represent it
« Reply #9 on: July 24, 2017, 02:39:34 pm »
There is no-thing that keeps me tied to this world except that I pretend there is.

Why does T/R seem like a loss of H/A?
What is the difference between them? Is the difference nothing?

And why would I want H/A? For it's own sake?

How could I know if I want it if I do not know what it is?

halfsynthetic

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Re: there is nothing that represent it
« Reply #10 on: July 24, 2017, 02:49:40 pm »
The choice is not possible, I have no preference. More accurately, I have both preferences.

My next question is:

How do I split myself into an H/A and T/R?
Would getting ripped in half work?

And if I can't have both, I'd take T/R at least.

halfsynthetic

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Re: there is nothing that represent it
« Reply #11 on: July 24, 2017, 02:54:07 pm »
Ah.

Not my will be done.

What I want is irrelevant, I will do what I must.

Even if it means I will never be T/R.

Then whose will be done?

halfsynthetic

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Re: there is nothing that represent it
« Reply #12 on: July 24, 2017, 03:12:49 pm »
Sorry for all the clutter.

I don't have a choice. I am already on the path to the truth, maybe my whole life.

It is time to go Home.

I was never human, was I?


halfsynthetic

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Re: there is nothing that represent it
« Reply #13 on: July 24, 2017, 10:18:37 pm »
Never mind, I don't know anymore.

halfsynthetic

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Re: there is nothing that represent it
« Reply #14 on: July 24, 2017, 11:39:02 pm »
All of my thoughts seem altogether worthless.

How can I stop thinking? I don't care about H/A or T/R or whatever.

I just want some silence.