« previous next »
Pages: [1]

Author Topic: This is DMB  (Read 433 times)

Damien

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 6
This is DMB
« on: August 19, 2016, 08:35:05 pm »
Hello

I am typing this so that I stop staring at the blinking cursor. I've been around the spiritual merry-go-round in my own way. I reckon I have found bits and pieces within larger 'practices' that are straight line, at least to the extent of the stage or context they are applied.

So....why am I forcing myself to put words to paper? The idea and existence of the Little Bastard best describes the reason. And possibly an ego complex disguised as a second Little Bastard. So what is being said? It's all bullshit, you know that, you can see that the stuff you see is built up layers of beliefs, fears, etc etc and people and societies are just holding it together. I mean, it's obvious on one level, but useless information if you a still subject to eating and not emotionally disrupting a girlfriend. On the other hand, hey, says the fake Little Bastard, you are a tall white male in a western country with an engineering degree. You had a great career, then had an anxiety driven quarter life crisis, followed by an existential crisis and wondering with ultimately expensive spiritual retreats of limited value, then you managed to get a good enough job and are now rapidly rebuilding your monetary wealth. Sooo hey, why not just be of the world since it is too hard to not be.

Oh...that's right, the real Little Bastard speaks again. It's all bullshit, you know that.

I have one foot on the shore and one in the boat. A rock and a hard place. The rock is uncomfortable and the hard place, well hard seems to describe the way to get there and the lack of anything there.

« Last Edit: August 19, 2016, 08:38:15 pm by Damien »
Logged

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter

Jed McKenna

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15127
Re: This is DMB
« Reply #1 on: August 19, 2016, 11:58:06 pm »
Hi Damien:

Thanks for sharing.

Love ya, Jed.
Logged

Damien

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 6
Re: This is DMB
« Reply #2 on: August 21, 2016, 02:45:07 pm »
Ok...a demon. Not withstanding the logic that it is all bs, it is what it is in the moment. So this demon tells me that there is something wrong with me. Ha, what a surprise. It tells me that I was not good enough to make my career at my last job work. I keep trying to say that circumstance and lack of decisiveness lead to me not getting training and experience that would have made me happy in the job. But it tells me that the reason I didn't is because I wasn't judged as worthy enough by them.
Fast forward to after my little quarter-life crisis, I am in a new job on heaps less money, just as unable to see a future with the company, even less expectation of getting a decent amount of money, and never being happy with it.
So what is going on here - Is it just the same old ego mechanism that is saying you are not good enough, but keep trying, keep thinking positive or keep trying to relate to people. Keep applying for new jobs. It's hope. It's the demon of hope. But for this demon to exist it has to set up the situation that there is something to hope for. And change is possible. But a change is only possible if it says that there is something that needs to be changed. And to create that some emotion has to be eradicated.
Well screw that. Why don't I just sit here and be with the hopelessness, the frustration of no control, the fear of being stuck on tis ride forever, the fear of getting off the ride and not finding comfort in whatever is next.

It's all such flimsy shallow garbage. Objectively, it looks like that is would take less than a breath to dissipate it. Yet it keeps coming back, and keeps taking hold of me. Ok D, fight the battles you can fight when you can, and starve the demons.   
Logged

Damien

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 6
Re: This is DMB
« Reply #3 on: August 24, 2016, 01:56:38 am »
I have two things weighing on my mind.

The first is that I am worried that in a forum like this, I am writing the wrong stuff. I have written in a forum that is similar to this, where a guide is provided, and I wrote content like many others here. The content was like "I can see the duality in others and myself and I have moments of clarity where I transcend the 'I' sense and become one with the other person blah blah blah." On the one hand, anyone can feel like they are having a oneness experience. In fact, I reckon you can read any number of books or listen to audios and convince yourself you are having an ego-less experience or existence. But I know from my experience that I am just bullshitting myself, and I now seem compelled to call bullshit on others. Of course, it is none of my business what they are experiencing, real or dream state. So what is my problem? I reckon they are floating above their garbage, to use a phrase from a former teacher of mine. Not willing to go down to the level of their garbage and clean it out.

So how does that relate to me here? I want to face my garbage. I want to face my demons, starve them, let them hissy-fit themselves to exhaustion, dissipate all the energy of all the built up crap. Let it all go. BUT I don't want to sound like I am wingeing, or complaining, or still in childhood. Yep...I care about what other people on this forum and JM might think.

Welllllll, until someone says otherwise, I am going to type whatever the **** I feel like typing. I am going to externalise all the crap in my mind rather than ride it around and around within my mind.

The other thing on my mind today.......It's like, I want a dramatic thing to happen. I want my back against the wall. I want cancer, or to lose ALL of my money. I used to talk about this with a friend at a retreat I used to go to. Of course, I want to choose my catastrophic event. Nothing too painful. Nothing that will make me unable to get around with some degree of freedom. Something that allows me to remake my money again with my newly acquired super-enlightenman powers. My problem is that I am healthy, risk adverse, well educated, white, male, western. Generally quite capable of keeping my dreamstate just comfortable enough to be tolerable. And with all of my spiritual tools, I can keep relieving the pressure so that it never really explode.

But I can feel it building, and I can feel a sense of not wanting to address it, or relieve the pressure, so that one day I can snap, hit rock bottom or something.

Logged

Jed McKenna

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15127
Re: This is DMB
« Reply #4 on: August 24, 2016, 03:25:33 am »
Hi Damien:

Please re-write. Keep to 200 words maximum.

Thanks in advance.

Love ya, Jed.
Logged

Damien

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 6
Re: This is DMB
« Reply #5 on: August 24, 2016, 04:44:46 am »
Ok...sorry, I'll stick to 200 words. It appears that I can fill this box, but not expand it, and be under the practical limit.

I was just speaking to my aunt about this stuff. We have both had trouble with SA in the past. She came up with the idea of just dumping the stuff. Just writing it down and getting it out. Get out of my head the demons, the story, the egoisms, the barriers. So that is what I will do. We hypothesised that eventually, maybe after a few months, the dumping will become questions, analysing, deconstructing, processing, eliminating. I guess that is where the real SA happens.

But, Jed, if I am not writing in my thread what you intend for this forum to be, I can write in some other medium. Also, I am not expecting any response unless I specifically ask a question.
Logged

Jed McKenna

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15127
Re: This is DMB
« Reply #6 on: August 24, 2016, 06:12:14 am »
Hi Damien:

I have to impose some restrictions because the Nav Series and forum occupy much of my time. I also take time for myself and that too is important.

Just dumping is not for here. I read every word every written to me. I suggest that you dump on paper using a pen only. That's certainly a suitable contemplation. When you think you are stuck or something important arises then ask away here. This discipline is good for both of us. I trust you understand.

Love ya, Jed.
Logged

Damien

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 6
Re: This is DMB
« Reply #7 on: August 25, 2016, 03:43:59 pm »
No problem. It is definitely not necessary for another to read all of my stuff.
Logged

Damien

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 6
This is DMB
« Reply #8 on: April 17, 2018, 06:30:12 pm »
I seem to have gone wayward since I posted here last. Being absent at the helm has resulted in life circumstances getting more complicated, entwined. Oh well.

What is the plan...

Every second week, I am afforded the luxury of solitude in the evening. I will not watch cartoons on youtube anymore. I will sit and be 'aware of awareness.'

Or I will write what is on the mind with the intention of getting to the bottom of it.

And I will confront the fear of the ramifications of dissolution of this ego / mind.

That's all. No reply needed.
Logged

Jed McKenna

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15127
Re: This is DMB
« Reply #9 on: April 18, 2018, 07:05:18 am »
 ;) ;) ;) ;)
Logged
Pages: [1]
« previous next »