Author Topic: Tom  (Read 314 times)

Tom444

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Tom
« on: April 02, 2016, 08:33:15 am »
Hi Jed.

The only thing I can say for sure anymore is that there is consciousness. I'm not sure that it's 'my' consciousness, but, right now, there is consciousness.

There is still a feeling of discontentedness. There's often a mild sensation of tension or stress in the chest area.

It feels like I'm experiencing things unnaturally. Something in me wants peace. A longing for unity, for a sense of cohesion in experience. An end to 'duality' I'd guess, based off the stuff I've read.

I'm finding it difficult to form a specific question for you...

How does one end the search? My whole being feels like it needs something. (Passing thought: "it needs itself". Whatever that means.)

With gratitude,
Tom

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Jed McKenna

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Re: Tom
« Reply #1 on: April 02, 2016, 12:15:07 pm »
Hi Tom:

Welcome to the forum.

I can't come up with anything to say, perhaps mirroring you lack of specificity.

No problem. Hang around and gather up your questions for me. Better questions equal better answers.

Love ya, Jed.

Tom444

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Re: Tom
« Reply #2 on: April 08, 2018, 07:44:41 am »
Hi Jed,

I've had a very difficult time the past few months, maybe you can assist me in figuring out if it's a stage of the awakening process or if it's mental illness.

Around last December I started having compulsive thoughts mostly to do with my sexuality, things like "go out and be gay" or "go to a gay bar". When I resist these thoughts it causes me severe anxiety. It got to the point where I became very suicidal and had to be put on a strong dose of antidepressants.

I always thought I was straight, I never had any attraction to men growing up, but I guess it's possible I repressed it due to fear of the widespread ideas like being gay is worse than being straight and such. Homophobia still runs deep I think.

Whenever I try to do anything like inquiring into who these thoughts are arising to, it always just feels like an effort to get away from the thoughts themselves, to get away from the orders I've received from god knows where.

It feels like it's my conscience that's directing me. Like maybe the awakening process is setting me tasks so that I experience some vulnerability. But I really don't know. I'm in agony over the whole thing. In all my reading and research of spiritual practices over the last few years I've never heard of people being told to do specific actions via thoughts so that they may progress.

The stuff I'm being pressured to do doesn't feel like it has any love behind it, it feels alien and bizarre. I did actually go to a gay bar and just sat there sipping a drink to see what happened. For a few moments I experienced a relief from the pressure. Then it kicked in again and was pressuring me to go and engage in sex acts with a man. Receiving this pressure whilst not feeling any sexual desire for men is extremely confusing and painful.

Have you ever heard of anything like this? Am I perhaps experiencing psychosis? If it turns out I'm gay then I don't think it'd be a big deal, but to be experiencing these compulsions in such a pressurising way is killing me.

I look forward to hearing from you. I can supply more information about my situation if it'd help in any way for you to judge what the heck is going on with me.

Best,
Tom

Jed McKenna

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Re: Tom
« Reply #3 on: April 09, 2018, 02:14:33 am »
Hi Tom:

O.K. Got ya and thanks for sharing for sharing. I agree that if it turns out your are gay then who cares. Gays have been considered by a number of ancient cultures are highly advance in the spiritual real. Not sure about that, but it really matters less and less in our society. I speak of the west. Where I am in S.E. Asia it is much more socially acceptable.

Regarding those voices in your head... what happens if you do this. Get very curious about them, make up a bit of a game and wonder about what they will say next. Pay attention to them, really, really pay attention to them. That doesn't mean go out and engage in what they suggest you do... just remain very curious.. like... ''.K. voice, what's next''. Ask it to provide as much detail as possible... even make notes on what they say...

I can't tell you what to do about those anti-d's but if possible get off them as  best you can.

Love ya,

Jed.

Tom444

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Re: Tom
« Reply #4 on: April 12, 2018, 01:33:51 pm »
Jed,

I followed your pointing, it had a meditative effect. The compulsive thoughts subsided. What a relief, thank you.

I've started weaning down off of my antidepressants. Until I'm off of them I don't think I can progress spiritually, I presently feel kind of numb.

I'll catch you down the road when I'm ready to engage fully in the process.

Best,
Tom

Jed McKenna

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Re: Tom
« Reply #5 on: April 12, 2018, 09:03:32 pm »
Excellent Tom...but I don't want you telling me in a couple of months that is worked but you got lazy and stopped doing it. Make a point of at least fifteen minutes a day of just focusing with non-judgmental curiosity on ,  '''Hmmm.. what will that next thought be.'''.

Love ya, Jed.

Tom444

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Re: Tom
« Reply #6 on: April 13, 2018, 05:32:36 am »
Will do.

Jed McKenna

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« Reply #7 on: April 13, 2018, 12:39:00 pm »
Great!

Tom444

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Re: Tom
« Reply #8 on: April 13, 2018, 04:01:18 pm »
Jed,

I've been on a reduced dose of the antidepressants for three days now and today is the first day I've felt a return of some of my anxieties.

I felt a knotted tension just under my belly button (what spiritual people call the sacral chakra I think) for a good part of the day. I was meditating a lot and trying to accept the tension to no avail. Then suddenly I thought "stop trying to get rid of the pain" and experienced a flush of energy through my body and freedom from the tension.

Cut to now. I have a tension again but it's up at my solar plexus. I try to meditate and do self inquiry and to repeat the earlier wisdom of "stop trying to get rid of the pain" but none of it is any use. I feel pretty irritated and hopeless. I don't have many thoughts bothering me which is unusual.

Any advice?

Jed McKenna

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Re: Tom
« Reply #9 on: April 14, 2018, 03:29:12 am »
Accept, allow and breathe properly. I like that you have reduced anti-d to a manageable level.

Love ya, Jed.