Hi Jed,
I've had a very difficult time the past few months, maybe you can assist me in figuring out if it's a stage of the awakening process or if it's mental illness.
Around last December I started having compulsive thoughts mostly to do with my sexuality, things like "go out and be gay" or "go to a gay bar". When I resist these thoughts it causes me severe anxiety. It got to the point where I became very suicidal and had to be put on a strong dose of antidepressants.
I always thought I was straight, I never had any attraction to men growing up, but I guess it's possible I repressed it due to fear of the widespread ideas like being gay is worse than being straight and such. Homophobia still runs deep I think.
Whenever I try to do anything like inquiring into who these thoughts are arising to, it always just feels like an effort to get away from the thoughts themselves, to get away from the orders I've received from god knows where.
It feels like it's my conscience that's directing me. Like maybe the awakening process is setting me tasks so that I experience some vulnerability. But I really don't know. I'm in agony over the whole thing. In all my reading and research of spiritual practices over the last few years I've never heard of people being told to do specific actions via thoughts so that they may progress.
The stuff I'm being pressured to do doesn't feel like it has any love behind it, it feels alien and bizarre. I did actually go to a gay bar and just sat there sipping a drink to see what happened. For a few moments I experienced a relief from the pressure. Then it kicked in again and was pressuring me to go and engage in sex acts with a man. Receiving this pressure whilst not feeling any sexual desire for men is extremely confusing and painful.
Have you ever heard of anything like this? Am I perhaps experiencing psychosis? If it turns out I'm gay then I don't think it'd be a big deal, but to be experiencing these compulsions in such a pressurising way is killing me.
I look forward to hearing from you. I can supply more information about my situation if it'd help in any way for you to judge what the heck is going on with me.
Best,
Tom
Home
Login
Register