INVISIBLE GURU FORUM

Jed. I need some help. I have not yet killed all the dark creatures within. There are still many, as evidenced by these feelings of regret that surface. One target is the idea, for example, that I need to be a good father (and all the made up definitions thereto). I understand this idea came from without. I understand that it has no reality - laughably meaningless. Yet, the idea can still be used to manipulate me. I know it is there. I have isolated it. I can’t figure out how to destroy it. I have done good work with a lot of these usurpers I think. This is one of the biggest and darkest. Maybe that’s why I can’t see what to do next. I am afraid to uproot it I think. I’ll keep writing but any guidance would be appreciated.

Thank you.

Something just **** open i think. I was concerned that others were using my beliefs about being a good dad to manipulate me. But I had a big epiphany I think. It is actually me doing all the manipulating - and not just with respect to the Dad thing. With EVERYTHING!  I spend a ton of energy to subtly and directly influence what the whole world thinks of me. I arrived there by assuming the whole world believe I was a bad dad - like what’s the worst that could happen and that’s when it dawned on me that I am the one spending all this energy trying to influence (manipulate) everyone else’s thoughts about me!  God. How bloody obvious!  We all do it of course. Sorry. It seems really really obvious now.

Still, I have to destroy it. It actually makes me sick to know I do that. F&$@!  Destroy!!!

If you want to be honest, cut out the drama queen b.s. NOW!

Love ya, Jed.

And you answer why you’re here, in this morass of ego....

“The majority of people who have approached me to ask questions or request assistance have been playing the truthseeker role rather than actually seeking truth. This has always been fine with me because I still got what I wanted. I was never striving for success as a spiritual facilitator. I work for the books and all those interactions serve the books regardless of what, if any, fruit they bore.”

I wish you the best in all your ventures... I have no doubt you can overcome your fear. Right through the middle of it is the way out.

Love ya, Jed

Cheers mate....

Love ya, Jed.

Apologies for the length....

Just wanted to add that since that panic thing I have felt strangely “out of body” as I walk around. It feels like the panic could come back or that something must be wrong with me medically. Disease or something. I’m gonna get checked out - which is actually a rare event for me. This is just different.

Not looking for any comment here necessarily - it just sometimes feels more real to me when I write it down on this forum It requires more from me than just writing it to myself.

Lol. I just read what I wrote. It’s easy to see today that the little me is getting all panicky!  Crazily, that little me still has some control over the body as evidenced by the racing heart rate and very high blood pressure that came with it!  (I have access to medical things). And I’m sure that little story was circular - oh no I feel panic!  What’s my heart rate and blood pressure!  Oh no. Something’s wrong. Let’s get tested because ....?  Why?  Because it matters if I live or die? Jesus.

Not sure if that last paragraph is just ego again being embarrassed - must be.

I see it now. These out of body experiences are like - I find myself talking to people, especially those closest to me, and I don’t seem to be in my body. It’s a lack of feeling about whatever they’re on about. It’s as if I just don’t care anymore about what they’re saying. But more than that - it’s a disconnection.

I feel that way now. I’m working and going through the motions but it all seems “out there”. Haha. Maybe it’s a brain tumor!