INVISIBLE GURU FORUM

But let it be known that my instincts have been wrong before.

Hi Jed,

I find I sort of swing back and forth between a kind of amazement that "anything is possible, but now I don't want anything anymore like I used to!" and a feeling of the air going out of a tire because of the same thing--because I don't even want anything anymore like I used to, and yet I see that "anything is possible!."  It's not that I am mad or something bc the "prize" was given after it was no longer wanted (that makes me laugh--not mad).  It's that the not-wanting anything anymore like I used to is very disorienting.  Literally.  I can't seem to orient, and sometimes something keeps trying to, and so feels DIS-oriented.  I don't particularly even mind that feeling--of disorientation (it can be interesting), but I don't seem to like the swinging back and forth between the amazement at the open-endedness/the anything-is-possible-ness, and the feeling of being unable to orient.  To life.  To anything.  (My compass lost its lock on the north star....)

So...what ho??  Just keep watching?--watching the swinging?  Or is there a way to orient?  Or is it a question of getting used to the disorientation?  A coming to no longer feel like orientation is needed?  (Orienting to the lack of orientation?--har!)

Thank ye--Misha
 

Hi Jed,

Uh...yes.  But now things set themselves up a lot of the time--all I tend to have to do is push over a domino here and there.  This is NOT a way of living I ever knew before.

And am I noticing correctly that all emotional pain or upset is a (usually unconscious) looking-at the void?  And if you combine some specific disillusionment (for example, the sort which results from betrayal--but not ONLY that sort)--as in, a specific illusion/dream or specific set of illusions/dreams--then you have sort of vice-grip on the head such that looking-away from the void is not possible...?  That is a question.  Am I noticing correctly?

So if that is so, what happens when there is no longer the emotional pain or responsiveness?  Does that make it harder or even impossible to get FURTHER?  (because the emotional stuff sure seems like the rocket-fuel)  The only emotionality (in the sense of investment) that I have left are these odd flares that will happen here and there.  Quick.  Surface/superficial.  So how do I get traction for a good burn, if the tires have so little thread left?  Thank you--Misha
 

Mighty clever, you are.

I can try.  But I have no idea how to get a (sense of a) new lease on life when there is every indication the old lease is up.

But I have been experimenting and I am wondering something (IS THIS WHAT YOU MEAN?):  It looks like (to use WWW's subject/object terminology) any time there is a sense that something was "counted on" and turns out not to be so, the object has been lost sight of, and so what's being looked at is the "void" even if the person doesn't know this.  But the using-up of the thing in me that "counts on" anything is what is needed here--not a conservative safety-seeking contraction to eschew counting on anything, counting on too much, etc.. 

In my (auto)biography, there are some things/whatevers I used to feel invested in (count on) which in certain moments, I apparently can pull up in my mind and whip around inwardly toward those things, (myself being) puffed up for the moment with a modicum of investment.  Or, sometimes this still happens all by itself.  This always sooner or later seems to result in that sensation of the sand eroding out from under my feet, the burning, the falling, etc. (to whatever degree).  Does this mean I should go looking (inwardly) for things that I feel some auto-investment still in, to any degree?  And just turn to face it?  And open to the sense of investment that is there?--since it seems automatically now to have this effect?

A simple yes or no will suffice.    (Unless of course there's more there.)
Thank you--Misha

       

Hi Jed,

Okay.  I get it.

It feels like I'm just sweepin' up the place, last call...but it is also possible this could take years, or forever.

In the meantime, I can feel my direct physical involvement in life increasing hugely (which is THE BOMB!!--I LOVE IT!!), and my mental paper-pushing and organizational and planning and future-looking skills are all decaying even more rapidly than before.  Should I "get ready" for inability in that realm?

I have to get out there and do things; I can't do desk work much anymore and so I feel like a little kid (kids and horses HAVE to go out a certain amount daily or they devolve completely).  I used to have a vast ability to concentrate, to plan....  Is that going to keep diminishing till it's gone?  Or will there be a certain minimum it stops with? 

I mean the bills will keep coming, I'll still have to sit down at the desk and write the checks or pay them online or whatever....

Please comment, if possible.

Thank you--Misha
 

Jed...?

Would you be willing to weigh in one what I asked, below?  (above?, wherever)

Also, I think I want to say I appreciate what you are trying to do here.  But I am starting to see more and more (I think) that it's like trying to get a buried splinter out with a pair of tweezers but it just WON'T come out...and so you can dig and dig with those tweezers or a needle or whatever, sure, but the way the splinter comes out is to just put away the tweezers after opening the skin above it, and let the splinter rise to the top on its own, and fall away.  Which it generally does.   Or not.

It's hard to put the damn tweezers away, though.  An infection present would also make the digging-it-out seem more helpful, I guess.

But I guess maybe you are just trying to show people how to open the skin over top of the splinter?  Bc I don't think you or anyone else can help with the rest of it.  But thank you for trying.
--Misha
 

Hi Jed,

Okay, so what I am noticing now is--this life that is "left" is mostly freakin' great.  I mean, I look around and it's all fine--I can't find anything bad or wrong anymore.  This is partly a good way to describe what appears to be "out there," and partly a good way to describe my "in here" experience of it.

But I am noticing something in me is having trouble just letting that be so (as retarded as that sounds).  Something in me tries to stay tense or tight or something, and whenever it gets given a little space to do so, it'll start looking around for reasons not to just let myself/my experience/whatever relax into (be enfolded by?) that un-concerned, open, look-it's-all-good! way of seeing.

So I am just trying to notice it, open to it, stay curious about it (and that means sometimes laughing at it, har!--it is very tenacious but I know it's so retarded!).  I've poked around at that some with the tweezers.  It just stays there.  In view sometimes; out of view other times.  Any suggestions re this little thing?

Thanks--Misha

Oh, wow...!

Thank you.  Most helpful thing yet....  Yes, all it wants is more of that openness! (to it, etc.)...and I now know well how to give it THAT!

And that is a pleasure to do.  Give.  Be.  Whatever.

...Technically it's not "offensive," it's just more "resistance," eh?

And can I ask you--re something in the note rgardner wrote here--to want or try to throw out any character ego trait or undesirable emotion is in the OTHER DIRECTION, right?  It's resistance, isn't it?  I mean, it's not being open and giving acceptance and love to whatever is arising...right?

And so, if I am grokking that correctly, then perhaps that is what comprises the situation/experience/self of those they call "sociopaths"?  (not a good name, I'm looking for another)  The ones (who also have) an empty center who have varying degrees of predatory hungers that move them to varying degrees.   That desire/drive/compulsion thing is still VERY active in them, though there is the hallmark experience of being empty, affect-less and being an actor in a role all the time.  And perhaps that desire/drive/compulsion thing is the thing that is seeking to keep out or manipulate not just other people, but also their own experience...?  In various ways--not JUST to avoid "undesirable emotions" but also to do just that...?  ??

Thank you!--Misha