INVISIBLE GURU FORUM

Posting here is a kinda Spiritual Autolysis IMO as I have to think hard about correctness of what I'm writing here, because I put Jed in a very high regard and I know he won't take any bs. and the funny thing is that when I tried to do the SA for my own sake I didn't have the patience but for other people I have the patience to do it (ego mechanics of maintaining self image) also whatever I write turns out to be just mayas word and I have to delete it and rewrite again and again. I come to realize what you said in Warfare more and more, that All the thoughts are just emotions speaking to supports beliefs or rationalize fears etc and true thinking is something different.

OK back to where we were. I know why you asked those questions about who does the V stuff and who wants those good qualities etc. you wanted me to ponder about the self and the nature of it. but I've done that before I've realized the temporary nature of it long ago, the fact that it doesn't exist but the illusion gets recreated in the consciousness that it exists every moment (for survival?). so I think I'm past that, or in your words I have killed the dragon and now I want to clean the mess which is the whole point. I want to extend the duration and the depth of my realization. I still have a lot of problem making distinction between what is true wanting and what is ego wanting, when it is maya who is speaking trough me and when it is true me (until its very late), although there is no such a thing as true me so is all the words maya? what about your words jed.

Still emotions hijack a lot of my rationality, although I know all these and I've realized them in many ways in my life. still I have desires and I keep convincing myself that its ok to have desires etc and that's why I picked up meditation and vippassana specifically to be able to think in a clearer manner, a bit freer from my fears and wants. so can you elaborate a bit more on why its far from optimal and what are my other options?  some pointers about the nexts steps would be greatly appreciated.