I hate to bring my personal stuff up here but it's hindering my progress badly and I think its 100% ego related so learning to deal with it can be helpful at dealing with it in other places as well.
I have this insomnia for the past year, could kinda control it with meditation but since I've stopped meditation it's back. I start to feel anxious when I want to go to bed because needing to be in control (futile), needing to feel restful for the next day, needing to have energy to stay on my schedule for the next day etc, and when the body doesn't cooperate with ego's desire it turns into anger and anxiety which further helps the insomnia.
I know deeply that control/resistance is futile and what will happen will happen anyway, I try to meditate on it in bed. but I think the insomnia doesn't start in bed, it starts the moment that I define a schedule and goals for myself? I know deeply that there is no such a thing as a shitty day even if I'm drained of energy like a zombie and I should not mind anything.
but still there is some ego because I'm trying to surrender in order to have a good sleep
which in turn keeps the insomnia in place stronger than ever
as in trying to kill your ego to live with open eyes.
**** treating insomnia, because who is here to suffer from it anyway? my question is if you had to choose between a slow and painful death vs a quick and painless one which one would you choose and why?