INVISIBLE GURU FORUM

Hey Jed,

I came to this forum just to see if this is a place where I can express what has been happening over the last few years. Maybe get some feedback, have a mirror, or a slap in the face without having people shut down because I'm sounding crazy. Based on the standards of our society, I'm probably am crazy. I no longer follow social norms without a real reason, and really don't care enough about meeting other people's expectations.

I use to considered a leader, and people use to come to me for spiritual advice. I still have a few friends, but most people like to keep me at a distance. I'm told that I'm just too different for people to relate to me. And that's okay. I would rather sit and stare at a wall than put up with what most people consider conversation. For the most part, what other people consider relevant, I consider to be dribble.

I use to have a corporate job,  a stable life (at least by outside appearances- my inner life has rarely been stable), and the world seemed to bend to my desire. I could get whatever I wanted. Now, I want nothing. I even had people who called my their mentor, and sometimes even guru. I consider those to be insulting now, and have even exploded in people's faces when they use those terms around me.

Not really sure when things began to change. I knew that something was happening, because people started to tell me that I wasn't making any sense. I'm know to have great public speaking and communication skills. I just started to find it difficult to find the correct words to explain something that I thought was important.

Maybe I should have stopped then, took the clues that people were offering. Boxed up my spiritual stuff in boxes and put them into storage. Then wait until retirement and then tackle this then. But, I was stupid, I just wanted to know, and continued to move forward.

Now, I living in abject poverty. Lost my house, and have almost became homeless a few times. I think that homelessness might be a good thing. Then I could just sit and stare at the world. Have thought about checking myself into a hospital, have had a few people suggest that also. That could also be good thing. Pumped up on medications, and could just spend my days painting. It might even be fun. But that would mean that I would have to stop what I'm doing. But something tells me that I can't.

I use to be considered charismatic, engaging and people wanted to be around me. Now I'm told that I'm too serious, that I don't have a sense of humor, and downright scary at times. To me, that okay, because then I can be left alone.

I'm not even sure that I consider myself to be spiritual anymore. I have no interest in exchanging energy, communing with nature, and I am almost convinced that the soul is just another mental concept.

Not even sure why I decided to pursue spirituality and make it an important part of who I am. It was just this thing that kept nagging me, and I just wanted to find out what it was, and this is the result. It has made my life a train wreck.

Even though I was noticing that things were changing, the point of no return came one day when I thought "well maybe the world is just an illusion," and when I looked up I discovered that it was. Just thinking about it while typing is making me cry again. I so much want it to be real!

I call that point my spiritual nuclear explosion. There was bright flash, the world seemed very bright for a few moments, then there seemed to be a dark haze that emerged, it was like the world was filled with an never ending mist of smoke. This is not enlightenment, nor is it awareness. If I could just convince myself that Christianity was real, then I could claim that we are really living in purgatory. If life is just a play, I want a refund on my ticket.

It is what it is. Right. Welcome to the wasteland.

Hey Jed,
Sorry about that.
I came to this forum to find out if my experiences, the change in my perception, and the changes in my personality is typical. Or if I should seriously consider checking myself in to a mental ward. I’ve tried to explain to people what happened, and what is happening, but most think I have a mental problem. Went from a highly sought out person, to one that most people would just prefer to stay away from.

Staring at a blank wall makes as much sense as anything else, and it’s a lot less bothersome. What’s important to most people, is trivial at best, irritating to me more often than not.

Since I was a kid, I knew that our minds adjust what we see out there. But I thought that there was still something out there. And I wanted to discover what it was. Thought that I was on a path of discovery, instead the world that most people experience fell apart.

Once I realized that the world really is an illusion, I no longer have the desire to be successful. I'm still trying to discover something, but have no idea what it is anymore. But I am willing to throw everything away to discover it, as long as I can find out what it is. But the effects of trying to discover it is tearing my life apart. My priorities are all screwed up, and the few friends I have are very worried about me.

Typically I breath from my diaphragm. I prefer to keep stead rhythm long deep breaths. If I find myself breathing from my chest, then I realize that I'm becoming uptight about something, then will focus on going back to diaphragm breathing.

Hey Jed,

I completely understand what you are talking when it comes to friends. I've always been someone who looks forward and moves forwards, and as a result I typically replace my friends every few years or so. My oldest current friend I have only know for about 2 1/2 year. I really have no idea of how happy, sane my friends are. I can only see what I see, and that has no relation to what is going on inside of them. They seems to be preoccupied with being happy. Anything that seems negative, or challenges their state of mind is looked down on. Most consider themselves spiritual, but it seems much more shallow, and more like pop psychology or self-help. When I start talking about the deep stuff (their term, not mine) they usually want to change the subject. Some even say it hurts their head. I think that's a good thing. They don't.

Economic survivability would be an example of how my life is being torn apart.  Use to have a corporate career, but I just can't do that anymore. I consider it economic slavery. Hell, I consider the entire economic structure of Western culture to be economic slavery, and corporations are the taskmasters. I quit my job almost two years ago, and have been working as a consultant since. I try to keep my client load low, just enough to pay the bills. I've simplified my life down to the barest necessities.  It is a very fragile balancing act. Because even with the stripping down, I find myself still unable to "work" most days. Instead my mind prefers to spend its time picking away at what is happening to me inside. It **** about it, throws up emotional shields, brings memories from the past to try to throw me off focus.  As a result I'm not that productive anymore. On the outside, it might seem like laziness. But its not. I've never been a lazy person. As a result, I lost my house. Almost became homeless a few times. And I really don't think that anyone would even hire me now, if I wanted to get a normal job.

lol. If you are talking about other people, then I prefer to do neither. I see blessing and cursing as just another form of social approval or the lack of it.

Getting into trouble, means that you are doing something right. ;-)
At Least that what I keep telling myself. Enjoy your nap.

Hey Jed,

Thanks for the discussion so far. I really appreciate the input that you have been giving.

Got a question, on the path towards T/R how is the issue of neuroses dealt with? Does the neuroses need to be handled before one can reach T/R, or is it possible to reach T/R while dealing with neurotic issues?

I also worry that sometimes the path towards T/R can create neurotic issues. For example, the lack of people understanding what is happening can lead to further social isolation, which could fan the flame of abandonment issues.  Or the new perspective could be seen as losing touch with reality. Which in one sense that is exactly what is happening. At the socially accepted model of reality. And that could get someone into trouble.

I have a background in anthropology and for a time, many anthropologist thought that shamans (I really don't like using this term, but it seems to be the one that most people use) were schizophrenics or had some other mental disorder. I also lived in an African village for a time, and watched how that village handled people with mental issues. They really worked hard to find a place for that person within the village, because they maintained that everyone had a purpose and value, and it was the job of the village to discover that for them. It is a very different than how Western society handles mental issues.  In these cases, the mental issues was see as a sign that the person has special insight.

I can only assume, that some of these village shamans are also able to reach T/R. Afterall, this is something that is available to all.  I don't think that it is culturally specific.

I read your post asking people about having PTSD, and was curious. Maybe, I'm just trying to analyze things too much. But, I do have my own neurotic issues and I feel that they are being a block in me moving forward.

I would agree with you that most of what I learned in school was rubbish. And that was one of the reasons why I decided to no longer pursue that path. Most of what academia claims as knowledge is nothing more than ideology, and has as much value as the belief systems in religion.

In one sense, I see religion as being more honest, because they will at least fess up to having beliefs that rely on faith. While academia thinks that their ideologies are actuate models of reality, and as a result live in a state of delusion. Scientist are the worst about this, because they base their knowledge on the ideology of materialism.

I'm really interested in you concept of a memory dump, and can definitely see the benefit of that. I've known for some time that everything our minds uses to construct our reality is just a rehashing of memories that are projected into what we call the future. Without memories, our minds would have nothing to interpret the world with. Without memories, everything would be new, unique and would stand on it's own. I think that suspending memory, and facing our experiences as they are truly being presented is what the Zen folks call no-mind.   

Could you help me understand what you mean by "abundance of importances?" I'm not sure what you mean by that. Enlighten me (and yes, that pun was intended 

Please forgive me if I enabling your neuroses by trying to keep the conversation going. The Nav Series sounds like a very important project, but I'm being selfish. I'm sure you understand.