Author Topic: What if I don't care about enlightenment any more?  (Read 475 times)

sepid

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What if I don't care about enlightenment any more?
« on: September 19, 2017, 10:01:31 am »
hello :)
I'ma 22 years old girl,
After starting to have some mystical experiences 3 years ago, and having pursued enlightenment for more than 1 year, now I don’t care about any of them. I merely want to close my eyes and forget about the whole life and be forgotten,  because it feels nonsense so the enlightenment. I have been careless about my responsibilities during these years because I was fed up with them. Now, I’m fed up with enlightenment too. Is there anything promising in enlightenment, which I should try to get?or Is there anything wrong with me?

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Jed McKenna

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Re: What if I don't care about enlightenment any more?
« Reply #1 on: September 19, 2017, 10:18:46 am »
Hi there:

Thank you for you post. Why don't you just forget about enlightenment for a couple of years. Straighten out those things you have neglected and come back later... I assure you... you will come back later... and there is nothing wrong with that.. or you.

Love ya, Jed.

sepid

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Re: What if I don't care about enlightenment any more?
« Reply #2 on: September 19, 2017, 10:32:50 am »
yeah,
maybe I should.
THANK YOU :)

sepid

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Re: What if I don't care about enlightenment any more?
« Reply #3 on: September 28, 2017, 11:49:28 am »
Hi,
I came back. I put the search away, but after 2 days it came back even stronger. I have already started reading spiritual books and thinking about enlightenment. But I have no idea why I do it. In fact the word enlightenment feels far and meaningless. I do it as if it is a daily routine. I ask my heart if it really wants enlightenment or the truth, but there are no answers, it is mute. Nowadays it doesn’t answer anything, just says yes to chocolate cake and some sleep! ;D I feel myself kicked inside the world being waited to act. Then I look back at my heart for an affirmation or a way out, but it is just watching me from the deep darkness where it sits (I feel offended sometimes because it has left me alone but not when I feel strong 8)). I’ve read many times that the only thing needed is a burning desire, love or curiosity for truth, but I don’t have them. Then why can’t I put it away? What happened to the I who cared only for truth? that was why it started all of this enlightenment game!( I thought it was the last one who would leave but it seems that it has left too early!) what is going on here?

Jed McKenna

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Re: What if I don't care about enlightenment any more?
« Reply #4 on: September 28, 2017, 11:03:28 pm »
What is going on.... nothing. Nothing is all that is ever going on. T/R will not give you anything, however, it will take away all those things that you ''think'' you have and show you that you already have everything.

Be patient... maybe tell me what books you are reading. There are some good ones and .... well, just let me know.

Love ya, Jed.

sepid

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Re: What if I don't care about enlightenment any more?
« Reply #5 on: September 28, 2017, 11:32:47 pm »
Thanks for your reply,
I have read a few books(usually the most ranked ones by google) and many weblogs and listened to some talks.
now I am reading yours; spiritual enlightenment: damnest thing. I have just reached the middle of it and I enjoy it (I'm reading slowly)
I would be happy to hear your advice :)

sepid

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Re: What if I don't care about enlightenment any more?
« Reply #6 on: September 29, 2017, 01:57:39 am »
I have red these books:
the power of now, a new earth, stillness speaks, emptiness dancing, zen mind-begginer's mind, siddhartha, the alchemist,and  I have a faded memory of reading buddha at gas pump.
I have listened to Adyashanti, Alan Watts,Eckart Tolle, Ramdass, Papaji

Jed McKenna

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Re: What if I don't care about enlightenment any more?
« Reply #7 on: September 29, 2017, 06:35:43 am »
No Nisargadatta or Ramana?

Cheers...

sepid

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Re: What if I don't care about enlightenment any more?
« Reply #8 on: September 29, 2017, 08:21:35 am »
not any of them...
thanks.

Jed McKenna

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Re: What if I don't care about enlightenment any more?
« Reply #9 on: September 30, 2017, 08:11:43 am »
Read anything by or about Nisargadatta. Put those other books aside

Love ya, Jed

sepid

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Re: What if I don't care about enlightenment any more?
« Reply #10 on: November 02, 2017, 05:57:33 pm »
How is Alice in wonderland? I will keep falling in the rabbit hole, until I will finally slay the jabberwocky! Every page of Nisargadatta’s book is a rabbit hole. sometimes I refuse to fall and when I fall I refuse to slay the jabberwocky. Do I sound mad?  Even the digital clock on my desk is a hole. Every thing, every where is an opening to the hole but I refuse to slay… I see the old walls are falling the earth under my feet is slippery and unstable. Every thing falls into the hole becomes an opening to the hole, all I need is to slay the jabberwocky! Then I’ll find my luminous flower which I already have.
I might be crazy… some mental problems maybe!
BUT  what a wonderful dream! What a wonderland!

Jed McKenna

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Re: What if I don't care about enlightenment any more?
« Reply #11 on: November 04, 2017, 09:18:29 am »
It is indeed a wonderland.

Love ya, Jed.

sepid

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Re: What if I don't care about enlightenment any more?
« Reply #12 on: November 29, 2017, 01:35:09 pm »
   I am stuck! one week my brain is quiet, thoughts come and go but they don't stick inside brain, another week they are strong and they take up my whole brain! I do autolysis, what I understand is that my brain is playing with me( me...? No! The brain itself is playing with itself!). My brain divides itself to different roles and characters, then one role deceives( fools, lies, ignores, promises...) the others so it can dream more and can forget that it is dreaming (or even daydreaming!) Then the other part realizes what is going on, Starts the enquiry and again is deceived and forgotten.
   But all of them are happening in one brain and whatever I do is because a role inside the brain decides to do so. The problem is that none of these role players are independent, there is one menkey behind all of them and its plan is not known to roles! So there is no one to stop the brain if it doesn't want to do so!(which seemingly it doesn't want!) So who is going to proceed? I am stuck here, I can't forsee!

Jed McKenna

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Re: What if I don't care about enlightenment any more?
« Reply #13 on: November 30, 2017, 01:28:10 am »
Your failure and stuckness is caused by your desire to understand that which will not submit to understanding. Let go of wanting to understand, read more Nis and just absorb it unquestioningly.

Love ya, Jed