INVISIBLE GURU FORUM

In some way all of it exists (memories, thoughts, emotions, judgements, preferences, my body) yet I see how it is all impermanent.  None of these things are 'true' or absolute. 

But if I keep slicing away to find out what doesn't change I get down to awareness, which seems to always exist.  And then there is also always the thing that is doing this inventory.  That is watching what fades away and what remains. 

So at the root of it all I still find two things (presence and the thing that is keeping tabs on everything). 

hmmm,
sparkle

Ha, ok.  The tab seems like names for things, comparisons, analysis, the cues I give myself (i.e. 'pay attention' 'keep looking' etc.).  But this activity is not actually located anywhere and I suppose is not true or absolute either.  It is another layer on reality. 

And then there is the awareness that all of this is happening.

hmmmm,

sparkle

Dear Jed - I have been plugging away since I last wrote but have another question now and would be grateful for any help.

I have mostly been looking at all of the pain, thoughts, memories, stories, ideas about who I am.  Picking away at the untruth over and over again.

But now I have realized that one of the biggest obstructions I still have is this drive to do all of this.  The drive to investigate, plan, try to get somewhere in the future, read books, write this message.

How do you dismantle that force when it's the one doing all this work?  Every time I'm able to let go a bit life gets so much clearer.  But I don't know how to get out of the grasp of this force for more than a moment at a time.  And the letting go only happens when I am extremely tired/in some kind of agony/pushed to the edge. How do I work with this?

Thanks for any thoughts you may have.
sparkle

Thank you for this reply, Jed. It was bang on and I knew it, even though it was hard to hear at the time.  I took your advice.  Tried to give up 'searching' and just live life. I got into a relationship, traveled, met a bunch of people, danced, went to parties.  And then I started to see how driven I was by self-hatred and shame.  While I know there is no self here to love, I realized that to hate what is arising is a denial of reality. And slowly I am getting better at being with everything that happens. 

As you predicted, more truth has been revealed.  I have moments of complete presence and then I'm sucked back in again.  I started reading your books again too and reading the line about life having no meaning on the streetcar sent me into this ecstatic freedom for a day.  I could see all the conditioning, habits and fear driving everyone around me, but knew I could choose to be free from it.  Although it didn't last.

So I guess I'm writing to see if you have any practical advice.  I have these insights, yet I know I am not free.  My life is meaningless.  I go to work and do a good job, because I don't know what else to do.  I crave intimacy, but don't know how to relate to people anymore.  My old friends and work colleagues are too caught up in striving for me to relate to.  And my 'spiritual' friends seem deluded now too. I'm starting a meditation group which has no teaching and no talking, thinking maybe others who just want to be silent together might join.  Short of that I'm out of ideas.  Any suggestions for how to live life in this state would be appreciated.

with thanks,
sparkle

Wow, ok, thanks.  Yeah, that was a blind spot.

I think I had decided that craving human connection was just part of being alive.  Like wanting food or water or air.  But I get that it's about looking for something outside me to fulfill the craving.  When it's the craving I should be looking at.

And thanks for the suggestion to just love it all.  It's kind of a sweet, funny relief to do that.

love,
sparkle

So you're right.  My whole life has been built around the habit of seeking love, approval, praise.  My relationships, my work, how I relate to my family, how I dress myself in the morning. Everything.

It's too big to even look at.

I know my life is a big lie. But the dream is still too sweet.  There's so much to love. I have a good job, nice hobbies, kind friends, nice home.  I thought I had torched so much, but I see how much more would go if I didn't need approval from anyone else.  And I can't do it.

So I live in this weird uneasy space where I know it's a lie, but I won't take more steps to break out.

What would I regret more?  Leaving a very good life for nothing?  Or living a lie?

I guess I must have a problem with it or I wouldn't be posting.

But why do you give me this advice to forgive myself?  To love? It doesn't sound like advice you give others and it makes me strangely angry.

My only logical answer is that to not love myself is to deny what is.   

But what about forgiveness?  Forgive myself for what?  My mind doesn't get it.

sparkle