INVISIBLE GURU FORUM

Dear Jed:

My question today is if you have any advice for how I can figure out what to do with myself? Like on a moment to moment basis. 

I have seen that much of what I used to do was driven by habit and avoidance (seeing friends, working out, making/eating food, reading spiritual books, surfing the internet etc.) and now few things really interest me.  More accurately I know none of these things will make me happy so they seem pointless to do.

So instead of running around like crazy I sit in my apartment in silence waiting for some kind of genuine impulse to arise. Most of the time it doesn't but at some point I usually just get up and then find myself reading the newspaper or something.  My days seem to contain more of these long stretches of just waiting to be motivated.  It's not really boredom or laziness.  Just no motivation.

Everyone talks about surrender and going with the flow of life, but how do I find this flow?  When I give up there's just nothing there.

thanks,
sparkle

I get what you're saying.  I think maybe I've been to the edge of the big giving up and get how 'I" could never decide to do it.  Essentially killing myself.  And I get how if/when I get to that point is largely out of 'my' control.

I suppose I'm just struggling with the day to day reality of living life now. I really don't know what to do with myself. How to propel myself when everything I used to care about seems meaningless. 

I probably ask this question once a week.  But it's the only place I can ask it where people don't think I'm suicidal. 

thanks,
sparkle

Dear Jed: 

Yes.  That's what happened.  A whole lot of something has dropped right off.  I scan back through my posts and feel completely unrelated to the previous poster, but have a lot of compassion for all of that suffering. Life is so amazing and I never saw it. 

I thought for a couple days maybe I was done. Now I think I'm back to un-done. Something is still holding on but it's getting pretty thin. 

I feel like I'm wrapping up my life so I can go off somewhere and see this thing through. 

I don't really have a question today.  Just a lot of gratitude. Thank you for creating one place in the world where people can say these things.

with love,
sparkle

I guess it was less of a thought and more of an assessment of a state of being that seemed to be true.

For three days I was just awareness with life unfolding before me.  Almost no thoughts.  Infinite possibility.  And no imperative to get to an imagined future.  Just one thing and then the next.  Everything lost its stories and meaning and just was. The self referencing stopped and I just was as each moment required me to be. I saw how everyone thought they were their bodies and it all seemed like such an innocent mistake.  But now the false me is creeping back in. 

The manic searching seems to have quieted.  Now these is just a sweet longing to go home. 

What next?  I suppose it will show up when its time.

love,
sparkle

Dear Jed:

What is the point of truth realization? Why is it held with such high regard, when (from my unenlightened point of view) it seems like an error, a glitch in the human matrix. Is it really the destiny of all of us? Or just a hobby only a few choose to pursue? Do some people bodily die upon realizing truth because they've finished their human-ness? Is that why Brett died in a car crash in your book after she quit teaching?

Why would life give someone flashes of this making it impossible to live a human life? The only reason I can come to is that it is the way we are all headed (if we manage to make it before the planet implodes). We're being shown the preview, so might as well get on board.

Are you able to be of greater service on the other side? Or, at the very least, do you feel resolved?

with love,
sparkle

Dear "Jed" - I don't know who you are or why I post here from time to time but maybe I guess I just need someone to say, "keep going or wrong way" every once in a while.

I am frustrated with all teachings. I see that there is only That. All else is changeable, ephemeral, not That. I feel like the way to Truth is just to get back to That, over and over.

And I also feel like I just want to allow every single part of my humanity to be exactly as it is. Let every thought, impulse, emotion, desire, arise and be. I want to be completely 100% me, exactly as I am in every moment.

Are the two movements compatible? They feel like opposites, but both equally important.

in gratitude,
sparkle

Ok, thank you. Every technique is just another mind f*ck.

There's only just being. And trying not to make more mind projects out of that.

Is your mind something you can ever tame? Or do you eventually just get space from it? Sometimes there are gaps. But then it comes back and I'm lost again.

with love,
sparkle