Author Topic: When it feels real but you know it isn't.  (Read 2433 times)

Sandraanne

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Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
« Reply #15 on: June 18, 2017, 02:33:58 pm »
As far as I can tell, at this point, I feel like I know only one thing and that is that I don't know anything and maybe I don't even know that.  Today I can't even remember what it is that I thought I knew like whatever it was, was just more garbage.  I don't really feel like trying to remember because I'm pretty sure I've never had an important thought in my whole life even though I can't know that for sure.  So I don't know now whether I'm just incapable of knowing what it is I could know or whether there just isn't anything to know?

I don't have the perfect life, who does?  I'm not rich and I have to work hard to pay the bills but I'm feeling a profound sense of gratitude today for it all like I've never been happier.  Maybe ignorance really is bliss.  No clue. 

And then I went to sleep and when I woke up, I got this...
The gift isn't in what I see, it's that I can see. 

Sandraanne

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Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
« Reply #16 on: June 18, 2017, 10:15:01 pm »
Well, I don't know where I am anymore but this is a good place.  I think maybe I should just stop here for awhile and rest or do whatever.  Maybe I should just leave the T/R for later and just go for the Adulthood thing.  All of a sudden I just feel really happy and isn't that what it's all about anyway?  Maybe it will last awhile, longer than a day or a week, maybe it will last a year or two, I mean I can't know.  But all of a sudden, instead of thinking "I've got to do this (dishes, laundry, go to work) I'm thinking "I get to" like this whole life thing doesn't have to be some terrible struggle all the time.  You know maybe the dream can be a dream instead of nightmare.  Can it? 

Jed McKenna

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Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
« Reply #17 on: June 18, 2017, 11:17:31 pm »
Can it?

I suggest you find out yourself. Then you will really know and not be taking my work for it.

Love ya, Jed.

Sandraanne

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Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
« Reply #18 on: June 19, 2017, 12:26:07 am »
Well, I don't know how I'd find out.  It has been experience so far that it can only be a nightmare, so unless I do something different, look at things differently, feel differently, think differently, something, give up trying to be happy, fool myself, all of which I've already tried thousands of times.or it happens by itself somehow for itself somehow which might be what I just experienced but already that's fading.  If anything works at all, probably just giving up wanting anything or being anybody has probably had the best results but I've never been able to sustain that.  Any suggestions?  Or do I already have my answer?

Jed McKenna

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Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
« Reply #19 on: June 19, 2017, 12:51:19 am »
If it can only be a nightmare, how come this thing called ''me'' isn't experiencing a nightmare, quite the opposite. I think you have your answer but are hiding behind self-pity and drama. Look and see. I love to be proven wrong.

Love ya, Jed.

Sandraanne

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Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
« Reply #20 on: June 19, 2017, 03:38:57 am »
I'd say the only way to be happy is to get rid of yourself.  How do I do that because I'm sick to death of her.  I'd blow her head off with a shotgun myself if I thought it would work and I'd still have a body.  Honestly, she is mostly gone when I'm at home, when she's not here, I feel fine.  She comes back at work and it's there she gets disappointed, jealous, greedy and insecure.  The truth is lately my money has actually been increasing not decreasing, but  it's never enough for her because I have a job where I could make hundreds even thousands of dollars every  single night, the opportunity is there but it seems like when big tips are out there, the cards go bad..  She's like a curse, when the huge money appears, she doesn't let them win.  So the flow that could be overflowing is only trickling when it could be gushing.   This is all her fault, her energy is off, or something and then she literally fears for her life.  I could be happy if I could just get rid of her.  Just tell me how to kill her.

Jed McKenna

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Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
« Reply #21 on: June 19, 2017, 05:25:26 am »
The Series.... but it will cost you all that blah, blah.

Love ya, Jed.


Sandraanne

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Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
« Reply #22 on: June 19, 2017, 07:02:53 am »
I read the "a little info on the Series" page and I swear I thought I heard her let out a blood curdling scream of "No" and then she sent my whole body into a state of paralizing fear and I could barely breathe. I'm still trying to recover from it now, trying to calm down, take some deep breaths, so yes, I'll do it.  Now she's like "can't we just plant some flowers?" "No", I tell her, "It's too late for that. If I want to plant flowers, I'll do it without you."

Thank you Jed

Jed McKenna

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Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
« Reply #23 on: June 19, 2017, 09:04:20 am »
Phew... I can feel it from here.

Wishing you the best always.

Love ya, Jed.

Sandraanne

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Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
« Reply #24 on: June 19, 2017, 09:17:48 am »
No sleep again but I've recovered from the monster (temporarily) so who needs it, not hungry but starving at the same time, so tired so I'll go for a run, mile five I usually find some relief, pound myself past exhaustion. I get a thrill out of that.  Record week for running, I should just keep pushing it.  Do the kid thing with my kids, people treat kids like crap, I hate that, go to bed, clean your room, do your homework, stupid, I say do what you want, hurry up have fun while you still can.  I can play in that world.  Guess that's why my kids actually like me.  You want pancakes at 3am but we are out of syrup, no problem, Walmart's open 24 hours, get in the car, we can laugh at all the ugly people while we're there.  I got to leave it all behind today (no searching for anything) and just enjoy this.  No work today,  I'm off the next two days, going to forget this world for awhile.

Just let me know when we start.

Jed McKenna

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Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
« Reply #25 on: June 19, 2017, 09:29:19 am »
You started a while ago.. remember?

Love ya, Jed

Sandraanne

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Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
« Reply #26 on: June 19, 2017, 06:52:26 pm »
Your post reminded me of just how long ago and reminded me of a box of journals I wrote. I left them in the old house on purpose because I didn't really want to see them again, but for some reason my dad saved them and gave them back to me last year a couple weeks before he died.  (Ahh, painful now) So today I had a look and found.

4/27/84
Leaning toward upside down

4/30/84
What is the difference between understanding and not understanding? Realizing and not realizing?
Understanding the need to understand (is understood) and realizing that nothing can be totally understood is realizing the need to understand.

4/30/84
I'm sorry I have to leave.
It's too bad I was never there.
Change was only a dream.
I may not be what I once thought I was.

And lastly on scribbled on a note with no date

There is a feeling.  I can not describe it for I only felt it as a child.  A child running through the grass with a melting popsicle and laughter.

Just thought I'd share.  Most of it is blah, blah, blah.  I'm definitely burning them.

Sandraanne

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Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
« Reply #27 on: June 19, 2017, 10:44:51 pm »
OMG, I just saw something.  If you don't wake up, because there is no you, only the awake state exists, so there was never anyone else here, everyone is false, the only thing that actually exists is awake.  Everything else, everyone else was never there, they never came down sort of in a way.  Never showed up.  Yeah, omg.  Holy sh## I feel really weird all of a sudden.  Omg, there's nobody down here.

Sandraanne

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Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
« Reply #28 on: June 19, 2017, 10:52:33 pm »
So I'm looking at my dogs and wondering, what are they?  And I never had a father.  There no such thing as a father.  OMG Then what is here?  Anything?

Jed McKenna

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Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
« Reply #29 on: June 20, 2017, 01:21:07 am »
You tell me what's here.. but don't stop now!

Love ya, Jed.