INVISIBLE GURU FORUM

So many things I did, I did because I thought they would make me look good but now that there's no "me" and "no one" to look good for, I mean I wonder if I'll ever buy new clothes again.  Or vitamins?  Or being mostly vegan?  Who cared about that and why?  I ate a hamburger on Tuesday because it basically presented itself, pretty tasty lol.   I'm still jogging but not as far, nothing to prove i guess, I think I might actually like walking better, but you know I don't "have" to get my jog in anymore.  Heck, I don't "have" to do anything but some things are just practical in the moment so might as well. 

Is there anything I "should" being doing?  Probably a dumb question, but what do I care if I look dumb?  Who's looking anyway?

Is it the perfection like how you can listen to a song you've heard hundreds of times and suddenly know what it means even though the person who wrote probably didn't?

Or is it how, I haven't lost my children, I am my children?  There are no others.  Or is it how I'm driving to work and now I am crying and I don't care about mascara anymore?  Because if that is it, it isn't missing.  It got here today.  I feel like I should really try to get out of work tonight but you know, I'm just here, hanging out with all my selves who don't know that they are me. Totally blown away right now.

I'm at work, can't get off, a concert night, the place is swarming with bodies and I'm looking at them all thinking it is all me, and just all egos that aren't real, like it's fantastic and I'm like, am I crazy?

Any instructions?  I'm tired.  I feel like I need a good long rest, just rest, like how long have I been trying to get somewhere, be somebody, all that futile effort, I'm tired just thinking about it. 

I have to go to work tonight but I can probably come early.  I made enough last night to make up the rest of the week, why be greedy, unless I feel like staying then I'll stay, hard to tell, hard to know anything right now.  Guess I don't have to.

How much further?  Just forever?

So I was at work tonight and I was kind of freaked out but you know it is what it is.  I wish I could just buzz off someplace and just be quiet for a long time like not have to say a word for like maybe a few months or even a year but I'm practical about doing the job thing for now.  It's just there's all these "things" that aren't really there and they talk and I guess I'm just staring at them and then they say "Why are you looking at me like that?"  (Because you don't exist?) ( And I know I'm looking at myself so I'm trying to see if I'm in there and with some there's kind of this tiny spark and with others, nothing, just nothing, nobody home) So I don't know what to say but "no reason, gotta look somewhere" and then there's kind of this awkward moment and I don't look at them anymore.  So I'm like how do I get on with all this?  I felt so weird.   And then just like that it all just fell away.  I just got done looking at them and now I'm done talking.

I was scared, actually terrified last tonight. This happened to me before when I was a teenager and I had a some kind of break where all at once I saw that everything that I'd ever done or felt was a natural reaction to everything I'd ever been exposed to.  I remember trying to explain it to my parents but they wouldn't hear of it, somehow they thought I was blaming them even though I wasn't,  I just saw that everything made perfect sense, anyway,  then this feeling that I could disappear, basically maybe go insane and not even know it appeared and it was so intense, they had to put me on drugs.  So my question for the day is do you know why this is happening now or what it is? I would ask will I be okay but this question doesn't even make sense anymore.  Help, your prompt response would be appreciated. I thought I would go to bed and it might go away, but it's still here.  Fear of being nothing, of being annihilated.