My life is basically myself floating in my own mental realms of delusion, in my own imagination. There's no contact with people, no friendship, no relationships for me except for the shallow ones I have with 1 or 2 family members that I talk to sometimes. There's no sweet stuff for me, and I've tasted the bitter stuff of life so much that it has even lost it's taste; only apathy and boredom remains.
After so much isolation, I got to the point of creating imaginary grilfriends for myself, falling in love with them and then feeling like **** because they don't exist. I only search for god because I'm so lonely in real life -- God is just a substitute for wife in my case. No matter how deep my concentration ever got in meditation, I never forgot the fact that I'm a poor lonely sod. I hate this modern society so much... If I were born perhaprs 100 years before, I could live life as it's meant to be lived.
If I see people around I just stay away observing. I don't have a life; I'm a voyeur of other people's lives. I'm, bit by bit, trying to work out my fear of people and of going to places and am improving myself, hoping that one day I can have a normal life. My mind doubts and tells me it will never work, that things will never change... That's the only life my mind knows. I reason with myself "I'm only 20 yr old... if I live to be 80 or more, then it's impossible I'll continue this way forever" Still the mind doubts any possibility of change. Even if I wrote 1 million pages of spiritual autolysis trying to dissolve this belief I don't think it would go away.