I have been doing this damn 'I am' contemplation for months already, during various hours each day and haven't had much progress... My personality is still the same and the practice of the technique still consists of lying in bed, feeling all the misery that's located where the I am is supposed to exist and asking "To whom does this appear?" to whatever may arise.
The good experiences I had were so sweet while they lasted, but then they would go away and leave me in a state of utter misery. Sometimes I would think I had matured and actually progressed, but then I would go to sleep and go back to be what I was before
Also, my deep rooted desires still haunt me 24/7, even in dreams. The desire for women... Its insane this thing; I was pretty clear that I was giving up this entire business and die without ever touching one of the opposite sex, but
**** it, it's like nature consciousness is torturing me, forcing me to find a mate. I always asked myself why people liked so much to have babies; now I know the answer... It's this force, and other people are unaware of it because they go with the flow, while I resist it. I'll do as the sage said, then:
Weak desires can be removed by introspection and meditation, but strong,
deep-rooted ones must be fulfilled and their fruits, sweet or bitter, tasted. - Nisargadatta
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