So, it looks like the medication didn't clog my cognitive and intuitive proccess - In fact, I would say they're functioning better than before, as my brain isn't tormenting me anymore. I didn't become some kind of drug zombie so I think progress can still be made. If you have any objection against me posting here in this state then just tell me and I'll stop
So, about the last days...
I've been doing atma vicharia, meditation and anapanasati... Am now able to see very, very subtle thoughts that I had no access to before; the thoughts behind the thoughts behind the thoughts...
Everything happens in our "heads" (got this at a gut level)
Whatever we see in our minds is dumped there by an external force... thoughts are always flowing from some source
The mind pervades the entire world, or better yet, the universe
Yesterday, while doing atma vicharia I was able to hear the crystal like sound the universe makes and saw some kind of boundless force, full of wisdom(perharps it was the sat-chit-ananda they talk about). After seeing it, I thought: "This force is real, it is good and better than anything in this world... If I continue my training I may be able to merge with it. Nibbana, moksha, is real; there's an end to the insanity that is being a human".
Omg, this post is getting long
Anyways, continuing...
I've been having this same kind of dream for the last days... Dreams where I'm alone trying to be better than everyone while everyone else is having fun with each other. I become so jealous and miserable. This has been my curse my entire life
Always being the better student, but the teacher always liked the talkative and simple minded students more
Always being better at everything, but lonely and friendless
I broke down into very deep, suicidal depression when, after competing against 170 persons in my city in a test for a job, I managed to score 2nd place with barely any studying at all, and even still, I was still miserable and jealous, super duper jealous, ultra jealous of normal people and the happiness they have in their relationships. Tried suicide 5 times already since then, but obviously I never suceedeed and the last time I tried, something very weird happened that made me think some external invisible force wants me alive... Why? How the hell could I know... My only choice now is to deal with this complex myself in this very life
May I attain liberation in this very life and never enter female womb ever again as a poor ignorant sod
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