INVISIBLE GURU FORUM

When I was probably around 5 years old I was at a party and holding a bootle of soda. Then a clown came and took the bootle from me and started using it for juggling. I got pretty mad because he stole my soda and then pushed him away; the bootle fell into the ground and broke because of that... I don't remember if me or the clown got hurt, but even after so much time I still feel mad about the clown and guilty for pushing him.

Also, today I bought cookies and accidentally let 2 of them fall into the ground. I kind of still feel guilty because of it, for such a minor thing like that.


Are those the kind of thing that keeps us bound to the state of ignorance - things like the cookie and clown situation? Will I only be free once I completely forgive even small, silly things like this, things from the distant past, things that I can't even barely remember? Or is there no need to worry about trivial and distant memories like this in the process of forgiveness?

I think I would be cool with dying without becoming T/R, just living the ordinary life with no spirituality whatsoever; but buddhists say that if you die while not being enlightened then you may go back to the female womb again. Imagine going through the bother of being a teenager all over again. Looking at my teenager years now makes me think I was insane... I don't want to go through that kind of bullshit anymore.

Well, that would be cool.

Do you think that if you happened to be reborn, you would come back enlightened, wise and remembering everything? Because I have never seen an enlightened baby or child around(I've only read about it from buddhist legends like padmasambhava or aryadeva. They say those guys have been born from a **** lotus flower; will you come back this way next time?  )... most people that got enlightened/knowledgeable/wise had to grind for it for many years. Even wise/knowledgeable children you can't find; all you see around is the same model of spoiled, trend folowing brat in anyone younger than 15. Okay that there's the ocasional math/piano/science prodigious every once in a while but it's so frigging rare and they don't remember everything. This makes me think that if the ordinary perosn has lived before being born in their present bodies, then they must've had their memories and experiences almost completely deleted... Otherwise you wouldn't see so much immaturity around

Now that we have billions of people making children it should be more common to see born enlightened/wise babies like in the ancient times... or perharps they never existed in the first place. Who knows...

I feel like my entire body is dull... I'm energyless and I feel dead inside. Medicine hasn't found anything on me and I don't know what to do. Do you think there may be a spiritual cause behind this?

Thanks, that's what I wanted to hear. Why have you been holding this back for so much time?

Anyways, now that I'm diagnosed, what's the treatment?

The voice inside my head just won't stop for anything. This society not only requires a person to do drama, it also praises you for it.  Drama = validation. It's all about validation and getting your own needs met; no one cares about you -- that's the ultimate truth.

Sometimes I try to be equanimous, I try to be grateful for what I have, but the rage rises over my head when I am forced to witness people that have WAY MORE than me complainning because of small things. I had to endure worse **** my entire life and those spoiled motherfuckers are like the nobility being upset by small, frivolous things.

Slavery, something that used to happen in the past just shows the true face of humanity. Only your position and how much money you have defines your worth. Don't have money nor position? Then you are worse than trash -- They don't care if your get killed or live a long and miserable life. Slavery may not exist anymore as an accepted thing, but human nature hasn't changed since the old times. We are still the monsters we have always been. Name a human activity that hasn't validation or survival at it's roots and watch yourself failing miserably. The world is depressingly shallow.

How can I even have a moment of peace knowing those things? You think what I just spoke was a big load of drama? Because what I just said are the truest things I can say at the moment.

This world is vicious hell... And envy towards happy, successful people burns inside my being 24/7. What choice do I have other than escaping into my own personal drama?

Thanks, your words have motivated me to start practicing autolysis again. I've been practicing diligently since your last post. I'll try to shut up, though, because talking just sabotages the proccess and I hope the urge to post here disappears somewhere on the road...

I made a long ass post here with a lot of questions and when I was about to post it, I perceived the stupidity that it is to ask questions to you and deleted everything. The truth is that 100% of the questions I asked here in this forum were asked not with the intention of receiving answers, but with the intention of receiving attention from you. That's the truth, I see clearly now.

Just to give a feedback now: I'm still doing autolysis and am experiencing progress. Why the heck do I feel the need to give a feedback, anyways? Silly ego. But don't worry, i'm not avoiding the hard work, I'm not lazying around doing nothing.... Not that you care anyways.

Is it possible to be happy and live a rewarding life while being a complete loner? Psychologists tell me my life sucks so much because I'm lonely. Is that true? Do you agree with this?

To desire validation and approval from people -- Will this kind of craving ever go away through the practice of autolysis? Do you still need thoses things? Would you feel sad and depressed if you were abandoned and forgotten by everyone? Do you still seek to leave a "legacy" to humanity through writtings and the creation of offsprings, ie making you "self" immortal here in this world? Do you want your thoughts and conclusions to be "heard" by other people?