i'm really trying to forgive, i kept telling myself i forgive myself and everything that has happened to me
i woke up today to visions of my ex having sex with her so
it was just so painful to see that, mind you even though it's been 3 years with her i did not take her virginity away due to her being religious as i respected her religion and her family as they would be against it, i wasn't selfish for my wants even though i wanted to so bad, yet she's left me for lust on another guy which i affirmed to her as a joke but she developed it as a crush and longing since she was emotionally bonding with him behind my back, it's a long story.. and a fake one it doesn't matter yet the ego still seems to cling to it with brutality it feels like it's rules should've been rewarded yet someone else reaps it, i tried to change her for the better through self help but it turned against me, it's like a regular employee that was innocent and nice to everyone and then suddenly got promoted to a manager and started being a mean dick with power abuse, that's what it feels like when i look at her
i'm really trying to forgive i wrote a forgive journal i wrote my memories and how i felt i didn't reject it and i said i'm ok with it all but i have no idea why i dreamt about her this morning with this random guy with a bigger dick than me and she was in ecstasy which was even more painful
it's all rubbish.. i understand it's only a story yet why can't i forgive a shitty story gone wrong, i guess it's because i invested so much time with her and i miss being around her and her warmth..
i just realized my ego wants to posses so bad, wants to cling and attach to things he owns so bad just because he thinks he deserves it because he's worked for it he ignores reality and sets his own bullshit rules who he hates when someone comes in and changes them and doesn't go around the ego's expectations
i'm sorry jed, i really want to thank you for everything so far
i'm looking at myself as you said 'please don't post here again if you don't take it seriously'
i am serious, why can't you see that i wondered, i wouldn't be here trying.. then again i examined myself and thoughts am i serious? or am i lying to myself? am i so desperate i want jed's attention and care and not do all the work seeking for more answers and guides?
i'm investing my time into spiritual books/higher consciousness books right now not sure if their helping
Edit:
If i am not the body or the mind, why do i need to identify myself to forgive the stories? Can't i just let go by ignoring the stories of the past and just cherry pick from now on? Or is this a pitfall if i do that? I'm not sure how to swallow the pill of it's not me but the mind. I'm aware i am the perceive that's seeing all this yet the mind has it's own delusions that are automated as i beam in as i look around