i find myself backsliding a lot even when i say aha i got it, i'll just be present
then within minutes to hours i just get mad and frustrated
i detect my thoughts and say that's not me
yet i get frustrated within moments or so
i have been on this cycle for quite a while but recently it's quite heavy as it's all i have this pattern has grown strong and is hard to let go off
i know i dont exist why am i sad every moment about it because i keep thinking about it, alright ill just let go of thinking
and then i loop again getting mad
i have awareness but i don't have bliss
i guess i'm just agitated by not having great health or i'm holding onto the past where the days of being healthy and meditating were bliss and i felt like my life was perfect as i practised gratitude but it all went away
oh again stuck in my thoughts that shifted me back to backslide again
it's not real nothing is real..
what am i supposed to do if i keep looping like this with no clarity?