i guess i was trying to find the flow of life (being present and knowing what is there to be done, even though it can be anything it doesn't matter) , it's just i can never see or realize i have it
i get washed by some emotions not allowing me to see it because it doesn't feel consistent since it's not aligned with the freedom illusion i imagined, feels like a chain, yet i notice i can enjoy a chain or rather i go skeptic and say do i really enjoy the chain or do am i optimistic about it being deluded once more? all this context and questioning does not really give me freedom and self deception lies in either path i pick which i question context used once more instead of actually living without regrets
i'm still quite confused, i cannot give up illusion nor desire as it's too automated to keep me within, is this what i always wanted temporarily without realizing it?
also, my judgement is rather poor due to being sleep deprived, my brain's burning quite often due to bad sleep so forgive me if i start to sound mad or offsync as i realized i'm just not a 100% in the head lately but that's been like that for quite a while since the tinnitus is very persistent in not letting me have physiological needs met