INVISIBLE GURU FORUM
Member Forum => Member Posts => Topic started by: adinfinitum on August 08, 2016, 02:39:53 pm
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Hello,
I wondered about posting and what I think I'll find here, what this is about.
I saw that to post here I created one more belief : that you and the author of the books are the same person.
The first time I skipped over the question but now I can't. Too much. I felt ashamed, like caught with my hand in the cookie jar x1000.
If I cant know for sure the very first thing at the beginning... how do I know something ?
I did come here to ask a stupid question about a practice but now... all I can see is FICTION.
Search, search for something, when that something is nothing!
I'm so blind... and gulible... and ghostly...
Every thought fade so quickly.
Thank you!
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Hi Ad:
Welcome to the forum. Regarding your post, you are quite right in my experience. You can't know the first ''thing'' and so it follows, you can know nothing, ever.
You might as well relax and just accept that. It's only you mind that resists it.
Love ya, Jed.
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Let's ask that silly question about practice now that the dust settled a bit...
I feel stuck by my lack of attention/mindlessness. I've very little interest outside of awakening so there is focus in some way but not through the day, moment-to-moment. The mind wander around self-referential noise etc, get stuck believing for a while. I notice it once in a while, return to zero but not very often. There an practice to speed things up ? All I know is meditation but I read you say that they are more efficient ways than meditation. I understand that you won't disclose the nav series content here but if there is anything non-secret that you are willing to share I'm listening!
Thanks
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Dear Ad:
Nothing is secret. There is only One and something that might appear as a secret is only an element/part of the dream. It's all available to you, and I am dead serious, ALL available to you when you want it badly enough.
Your mind will settle down on it's own good time. Be patient, and then be more patient.
Love ya, Jed.
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I get that recurrent dream every now and then. It always seems to close a cycle. I dream about failing college exam. Sometimes I miss to much lectures and worry about not knowing enough. This time I just failed. I was asking the teachers if they could give it to me now. It's been a while since I try to pass it, they could just give it to me. Then I taunted them a bit, accused them of not passing me just to get more money. I said: couldn't you just ask me the money then ? I was a bit sly and not really worried.
These dreams used to generate much anxiety upon waking, now I'm more relaxed. But this recurrent dream still seems to be important.
This kind of dream is a classic. College degree is often the gate through adulthood. I have passed the actual one for years now, it seems to be a deeper symbol.
I think my glib attitude in the dream is close to my current attitude. I suspect what comes after, so I delay the real jump, no longer afraid of failing but maybe about what's ahead.
I remember an episode of that dream where I was in a maze. I **** it seeing that you could short-circuit it any time. I thought it was cheating but I was praised for finding the solution/non-solution. Most of people were still inside following directions to no avail. At that moment someone came and asked me if I really wanted to go for the next step because it wasn't an easy one.
I feel that deep down I know what to do, but I hide it from myself. I'll see how that goes.
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Yes, you will eventually.
Love ya, Jed.
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I've been practicing self-inquiry a lot using questions such as "who am i?" or "whence am i?". I felt that I was not doing it right because i wasn't finding anything and it was laborious.
But then i had these moments where 'i' disappeared in the process. This is very brief. Each time this happen, there is also panic. It's hard to go back and exhausting.
I think that i should continue but i'm not sure. Does this sound like the right track ?
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How could you possibly be on the ''wrong'' track?
Love ya, Jed
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Is the practice i described above a 'fast' track to T/R ?
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A fast track to where you are... a fast track to who/what you are... to you???
Sounds pretty weird to me. Aren't you already who you are and where you are?
Look and see.
Love ya, Jed.
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I was playing dumb to make sure i did understand sorry.
Truth be told i was afraid of the previous answer.
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I struggle to let action flow by itself, i often caught myself forcing it.
Let's take this email for example. I have a question to ask but doesn't yet know how to formulate it.
I'm catching myself forcing to come up with something. My body get very tensed. When i notice it I breath a minute. But the tension come back as soon as i get back to the task at hand. This happens in many situations.
How to work from the relaxed/unnamed space that i am when just breathing ? Is it possible to stop that 'forcing' habit ?
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Find out who wants to stop it.
Love ya, Jed.
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No one.
These moments of tension/pain are just wake-up calls.
Boy...
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;) ;) ;)
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I notice I. I see that every experience is tied to the idea of I.
I saw and keep seeing sometimes what is without an I or in others words what is before I.
But... right know this is re-framing a non-experience into one. I have a hard time not to cling to it... even if I see that just create more resistance.
It's just like you describe in your last rant...
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::) ::) ::) ::) ;D
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Hard to admit, but you're right...
I feel kinda sad now. It will probably pass :)
Edit :
It passed ....
And thank you Jed McBadassKena for being BS proof!
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Now... back to work.
Love ya, Jed.
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It is quite literal isn't it ? When it is said : "you are not who you think you are".
A question I have since a few days is then : why is it so difficult to stop to believe what I'm not ?
But this question seems to be asked from the wrong perspective. That's why it "feels" so off. It's just a feeling. But I don't know a better way to put that question.
You always ask for a question in the posts. This is the one but I can't articulate it correctly here. Could you help me to rephrase the problem stated above ? I'm also working on it.
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You don't plan a seed and water it then dig is up in two days to see how it's going...
Love ya, Jed.
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what is the seed here ?
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ok thanks
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You're the guy pointing at the world telling us it's a beautiful circus. Telling us we're in it but not of it. Not as persons but as a whole, as truth...
We're so hypnotized by the clowns, the elephants that we forget the simplicity of this reality.
Here again I'm stating the obvious, regurgitating the sage discourse... but it's hitting me in the face more and more.
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Stick with it... further.
Love ya, Jed.
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I see all objects, the physical sensations, the thoughts, the sensation of being a mindbody. I see from 'outside', there is a buffer before the screen.
Before the screen there is no words, the void in which all this is born and dies.
I used to focus in the void to do remote viewing. Subtle images came and were used to build an image of a place afar that I wanted to see.
I'm not interested in special abilities anymore but it taught me many things. At first I though I was going in the void. Now I know that seeing is before 'there', directed at me and objects.
There is no content, no memories in that void but there is still a knowing, a presence. It's different from deep sleep let's say. That state of non-discriminating, simple original presence can be brought into the world, lucidity in the dream.
It's far from being continuous and it's still lucidity for a character. The sense of 'i' is still well rooted. The need to reaffirm 'I am' is unnecessary because it's self-evident but it still sprouts.
I know there is nothing I can do. This leaves me with a HUGE force pressing me against a glass wall. Is it wanting to be free? It's so strong it makes my body shake.
There is further I know. How... ? Keep on...
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Whatever happens ignore it. DO NOT try to repeat any experience. That is very important.
Love ya, Jed.
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Something hit me hard yesterday. I had to admit that I have nothing to gain from this.
And this morning it was like : This is it. I'm not who I think I am. I am. End of story. Nothing to celebrate. I really can't claim anything.
I looked and got the word 'being'. It's just being. But that couldn't matter less. After that I contemplated non-being. Wouldn't matter either. It's strange because it is ok.
Now I still feel that the madness is close, I feel ready to fall back into old behaviors.
I'm skeptical to say the least. I don't remember accurately but I have the impression that this happened before and I ended seeking again a few months after.
I guess from your last message that ignoring is probably still advised here but this was very unsettling so I'd like to hear your opinion.
Thanks.
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What is this? What if that? Maybe I'll this... hmm.. maybe I'll that. Oooohhhh, just spin, spin, spin. Go for it, but it's a pretty sticky place to be.
Love ya, Jed.
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Yeah it's a shitty place to be.
I want smoothness. I want to feel like the first time when you drive a new car. Just the sensations. You don't think you just... you are not there. That's what I desire the most.
I could never answer that question. What do you want. But now I know.
I had many dreams recently showing me that. It's like people come into my dreams to teach me.
They show me repeatedly the subtle difference between thinking you're doing and the fact that it is already going without your help. I see it then don't, so it is shown again and again. This has to be carved once and for all...
I learned to swim in the exact same way. I was trying to float until a stupid contradictory exercise demonstrated that I already float.
I want to experience that the show is running by itself so that I can finally let go. Understand that I'm unnecessary.
I'm not proud of this post but I'll leave it there...
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Wanting something just pushes it away.
Love ya, Jed
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I feel as new as I were was I was a kid. Like nothing changed. The same...
Is this really me ? Is this the mistake ?
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Who's asking???
Love ya, Jed.
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I am confused.
The one who posted the question doesn't feel 'me' now.
If I ask the question at this moment, when asking it feels I.
After that when I look who asked, doesn't feel like me... again.
If I ask who looks... it's...
It is always before me!
I am always from the past in a way, like a reminiscence. I come claiming this and go...
It's a beautiful comtemplation but ... you know I can't explain why there is a 'but' in there.
Like I'm still there or will be soon. What is it that resist ?
It's weird I feel loved now.
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Nothing resisting nothing and thus making both appear as something ... soooooo why both with resisting. Drop it and whole equation is dust.
Love ya, Jed
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I read an ooold post of yours (2 years olds) stating your definition of stupidity and ignorance (behaviors).
I hesitate between both now. Either I reformulate questions I already asked / come up with a new story or ... stare blankly.
I'll go for ignorance and if it last too long I'll probably go with stupid....
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I'll suggest something. Hold your head still and scan a panorama by just moving you eyes. How smoothly did you eyes move? If you can be aware of them, you will note that they move in small jerks. They are jumping form one important/meaning to another. It mirrors what your mind does.
Try moving then smoothly without fixating on any particular thing. It helps to de-focus a little.
Love ya, Jed.
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Ha! Yes my eyes move in small jerks, the only way I found to scan smoothly was while walking.
Reading the previous post was like an instant download...
My mind sticks to importances, things, events, more things.
I cannot stop from doing so it but noticing the jumping here and there... tends to stop it.
It's like an invitation to die. Me is the biggest of all my importances. Defocusing => not a lot of me.
I confuse being with whatever that says 'me'.
I have faith that what's left without is worth it or no... just would be better without me eating the whole cpu power.
I also notice how in love I am with meanings... how else would I still be there.
The advice of ignoring was very similar no ? Maybe too raw to my taste. This way hmm it's different.
But I'm just spinning here. I see my responsibility... or am I hallucinating that it is my decision ? I don't know.
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You are always hallucinating, so don't take anything seriously... and that includes me.
Love ya, Jed
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I feel trapped in an avalanche. Mindstorm, lots of hate and in definitive no reference point, no center... tough.
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...further... what did you expect me to say?
Love ya, Jed.
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Nothing it can only be further.
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;) 8) :-*
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- The witness is a subtler self, a stripped down version still comfortably avoiding the truth.
- I have been playing with images all this time. Haha... the mistake. I wasn't up to the level of your advice : Ignoring. Haha... **** it's too scary. How could I be ready for this ...
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The present feels like a death trap. So I'm like a duck paddling hard to escape the vortex... this image is stupid and shows the comedy that it is. I'm a clown.
I feel like a clown writing here, a fraud. All I say is fraud. All I can think or do is not true but I can't stop.
The judge is looking down on my little scene and I feel the shame but he's part of the scheme.
Breathe. Breathe.
Answering machine beep : ??? ??? ??? ::) ::) ::) ;) ;) ;) love ya.
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Theory : happiness built-in, not a thing/feeling, eternal, shine in absence of things, suppression not needed... indifference
the silence in between ...
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I was talking to myself like paying attention to who is speaking. The voice it ... Now I feel outside the body or more exactly nowhere, this isn't really different. And the voice, my mind it's almost foreign... inside but not really mine.
I'm afraid this is going too sound really bad if l reread it back in the morning but well what is there really to be afraid of...
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What is there to be afraid of then it's all You?
Love ya, Jed.
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I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. It's all I see this morning. A dense cloud
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through moving simply there is a sense a bigger neutral seeing beyond all this, it's seen then not. stillness required maybe
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;) ;) ;)
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Another batch of silents scream, another breakdown. What I have in store, I'll never get to the end of it. When the head give up the guts still hold tight. And after it's like the bastard haven't got even a scratch. I can scream as much as I want, I'm **** and stuck here. The Horribly Slow Murderer with the Extremely Inefficient Weapon
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Yeh... nothing worse than a dull sword.
Love ya, Jed (AKA: The knife sharpener)
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Could use that...
After that bout of boiling nothing I'm defocusing, I don't care.
I thought about my books. I can ditch them. Self inquiry was the only two words I needed. Now I can forget them too because that's just how I'm wired.
Learning how other did it only slow me down making me wait from grand displays and big haha's.
I bet it is the damnedest thing or how else could I missed it! I can feel it, well as a matter of speech.
That feeling of being not true ... of being a walking breathing comedy is surely a hint.
Now I'm gonna finish that dumb tv show episode I was watching because what else :)
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;) ;) ;)
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One more gimpse into the silence. No words...
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No words here either.... ::) ::) ::)
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What with the rolling eyes ? No need to spare me...
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No you to be spared....
Love ya, Jed.
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Went to bed yesterday telling myself there is nothing to expect from any possible experience and fell deeply asleep. This morning I woke up with the same expectation, what will I get today ? There was still my depressing answer : nothing. So I went further.
I avoid the current experience, running to the next just because the present is so empty. I guess that's one difference between let's say Jed and a student. Where he delights in the simplicity of the moment the student is restless.
I started to follow one of your advice, loving this thing, to smooth the movement a bit. As the restlessness and anxious thoughts was stepping in I just looked.
The idea of liberation is just a feel good thought and it allows the avoidance. a-void-dance. haha. I don't know if I will get rid of this hope for liberation. I don't know if I will be able to face the reality.
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Dreamt about chasing komodo dragons from the basement, one was hiding and hard to find, don't know if I finally kicked him out.
Dreamt about merging with the screen, be one with it and finally understand but it didn't really mattered because it was just a movie.
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L ??? ???K deeper, does anything really matter... other than a thought or memory supported by another thought or memory... ad nauseum.
Love ya, Jed.
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i don't see any deeper, only thoughts ad nauseum. Even looking involves a me who looks for something or somewhere and even that is too much.
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You are aware of thoughts.. which appear out of the void and memory, and you are also aware that there is a you aware of said things. Anything, absolutely anything, that you are aware of can not be you (at the human level). Now, what is all the aforementioned occurring it. Is it in your body... nope, you are aware of your body. Is it occurring in a location that is non-specific/non-local ... might be as it seems to be everywhere your body moves to.
Try going somewhere and leaving awareness behind. Don't take it with ''you''. Can't be done.
So, contemplate this... what if this larger thingy, the thing that knows you have an appearance of thought and body, the thingy that is with you wherever you go, what if it is only one thingy... and it's the same thingy that all humans are moving through in the human live. It's like the Super Hero, Chicken Man... he's everywhere, he's everywhere!
If you have ever wondered what this ''thingy" looks like, this is the best depiction of it that I could find: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_dhRrXW43Y
Love ya, Jed
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Excellent ;)
I was contemplating this before they performed the anesthesia (minor thing no worries). It was a good moment to do so...
It's weird. There is still a willingness to spot chicken-man. He has no form, can't be seen, it's the domain of being.
It's like there is two way of being, one as a hypnotized doer of things, one has a relaxed attention. It's hard to trust the latter, maybe the old habits...
There is also sometimes a sensation of falling away. As you put it, it is non localized...
I don't really know what to say now.
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You never have to say anything.. you just think you do from time to time.
Love ya, Jed.
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****, it doesn't take long to be rewritten... this comtemplation. It's like being out of the picture...
Breathing...
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There is a strong tendency to turn the 'thingy' into an object, subtle but...
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Of course, that's mind's job. Just ignore.
Love ya, Jed.
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Ignore Ignore Ignore.... raaaaaaah that @&#! of mind! speed BS generator... Meh... quieter again...
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It helped to remind myself how I passed hard times when sick. By just waiting to pass through ...
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Old saying.. something like ''time heals all wounds''
Love ya, Jed.
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I'm curious to see what my next message here will be so I'm leaving that here to see :)
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So this came sooner than expected! Oups sorry Maya, I was a bit too excited ;D
I'm getting why H/A could help. When thoughts starts rarefy and the todolist stays empty I feel a certain panic. My drug is called 'more' and in this times it's even just called 'something'. Breatheeeeee
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Excellent observation. The drug of choice of virtually all spiritual seekers is ''more''. The result is usually much spiritual materialism... acquisition of techniques and knowledge whilst avoiding the only thing you came here for, to realize you didn't come here, you are ''here'' and have always been here.
Love ya, Jed
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"realize you didn't come here, you are ''here'' and have always been here."
I don't really understand that sentence could you explain it ?
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I don't understand you question. There is nothing to explain, just contemplate it.
Love ya, Jed.
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Contemplating family reunions :)
Merry Christmas J !
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Plenty of grist for the mill there.
Love ya, Jed.
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Hmm... it was very quiet. That or I've grown immune to many things.
The only thing that is painful is the anxiety I get when I listen to people future plans or answer about mine knowing that I've none (because I'm still very scared of... life... ?)
Also it's interesting to see that the story is not coherent at all, jumping from one conversation to another, it was very dreamlike even sober :)
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All of my supposed problems come to the assumption of being a person in a body.
The trust issues, the imaginary fights I pick against people even more so when they aren't around... The panic freeze in certains situations.... because what I think I am appears to be threatened.
You're not the body, mind ... easy to say.
Back to the mill.
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Grind on.....
Love ya, Jed.
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****...
That's my reaction to 'further'... When does that thing stops ? It doesn't. My legs are walking but I want to stop so I can only want to walk then... pushing for the extra mile.
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Here how my logic works.
Come up with something. Ask what the opposite ? Opposites neutralize themselves. Then comes the negation. Is negation => "propostion A is false" true ? No. Here I have basically "not not this".
Usually the line of thought dies at this point and a period of unconsciousness follows.
There "not not this" is turned into another proposition B, a new pattern similar to what we hear into non-dual teachings something along "nothing is true". But this isn't true or else I would be following another falseness.
I'm gonna puke at this pace.
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Puke your guts out. It's el purgo time.
Love ya, Jed.
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No it's not. It was just a gag reflex.
Puking, raging whatever it last a couple of minutes and it's over. It's all BS anyway.
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Is the Bull S, or Belief System. Both can get pretty smelly.
Love ya, Jed.s
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I don't know jed. I'm not sure of anything these days and I don't want to waste your time...
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I appreciate the thought. Now, back to work.
Love ya, Jed.
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Couple of synchronicities, like if the world was responding to my fantasies in a huuuuuge way but as simple as making coffee.
Or like my brain gets previews of future events.
also like the 'my' is these sentences is more a convention than an reality.
Heigh ho, Heigh ho, it's OFF to work we go!
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Ignore all that... just be.
Love ya, Jed.
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Do you have Nis or Ramana phone number :P ?
I'd like to know how to get the one-pointedness... I kinda know where to look but lack the perseverance...
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Yes, they can both be reached through 000-000-0000, and be sure to ask for operator 00.
Love ya, Jed.
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"You need a new strategy". I was contemplating these words and thought that 'new strategy' meant new as in 'ever new' because what's new in this instant is already getting old. This brought a new outllook.
I was feeling the usual urge to find a solution and somehow it was surrendered along with the bulk of sensations that makes identification to the body. The body, the mind were let to their own means to just be...
It's like having a puppy in your arms, you try to calm it, make him stop bitting, he is your problem, he's you. Then you put it down and he's fine and there's no you...
I had strange dreams this night and I'm looking forward to see how this goes.
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Wanting...
Like I said once before, it's just a wake up call.
I want what I already have.
Wanting drives me home...
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Further...
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;) ;) ;)
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I did a little contemplation yesterday. Something along "Stick with the I feeling". Nis tells that the I feeling at some point merge into the infinite. I did that contemplation countless time but here someone suggested that there will be no merging because it is already merged. I focused on the I feeling then its 'place' of origin and also other sensations back and forth. There was no longer a defined 'center' of awareness somehow... This is a poor description but the best I came do. It was quite pleasing, feeling less limited, kind of in the background but not really somewhere. I let go and just be. I went on with the daily business not thinking much.
I went back home and contemplated some more. Then I had this lapsus of some sort. My inner voice said in a unexpected way "I'm the dreamt" and some switch occurred. The I feeling was the same but cut from the root of identification... quite surprising but a short-lived impression. I raised a whole bunch of ??? and ???.
As usual my mind tried to figure that out... It's very hard not to... because mind... One thing was understood tough. The I feeling shouldn't be fought, pushed away because when really embraced it reveals its nature which is nothing...
I loved the freedom that it created... I will probably again have a hard time ignoring that... F.U.R.T.H.E.R
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In the previous vision I couldn't get around that the self was me while at the same time it wasn't. Hard to put paradox into words again... I had the intuition that I was looking through another mind-made duality.
The mind wanted to tell appart who's who. Have a clear delimitations, an all inclusive observer on one side and a convincing, life-like puppet on the other but that's impossible...
I stumbled upon a few words about 'shivashakti' this morning and it reflected a few ideas I scribbled earlier. It was written 'the form and the absolute are not separate'. I'll contemplate this...
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This explain that. I had a disease, I don't know if I still have it. A big part of the symptoms always felt psychosomatic to me... Each time I panicked I was feeling worse. For a long time I accused my body...
I saw that each time I panicked I were looking for something... panicked because I could not find a solution. A relief to my imaginary problem.
Now when this happen I keep my eyes open. I look at the moment. I look at my fight/freeze/flight reflex. I acknowledge it. I also acknowledge the lack of solutions. And there it is. Nothing. There is nothing. No solution, no problem.
The darkest moments of despair ultimately resolved themselves by this realization. At the bottom there is nothing.
At the top... nada. **** your brain out, meditate your ass off, drink your heart out still nothing...
It's the best news I could receive
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Ok. Please excuse todays B.S, got carried away big time it seems.
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You're excused...
Love ya, Jed
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Do you use awareness or consciousness as synonyms for truth in the books and rants ?
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It all depends on the level that I perceive the inquirer is at. However, awareness and consciousness, regardless of what they might mean to you, both appear in an unlimited infinite context which has been called many things by many people. I call it ''your True nature'' or simply ''Truth''.
I suggest you keep in mind that all my words are nothing more than frustrating attempts to explain that which is unimaginable, inevitable and beyond experience. It has been referred to in ancient writing as the Void or the Mystery... for good reasons.
Love ya, Jed.
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I thought awareness was the context in which I and everything exist. I fail to see how awareness itself could have a context. Is there ? But maybe I'm just bothering myself with terminology.
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Everything, real or imaginary (and there is nothing real) appears within something. What is that something... the Coke bottle. (reference: The Gods must be Crazy).
Everything you need to know is in their first movie.
Love ya, Jed.
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Found the movie. Going to watch it very soon.
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Apples anyone ? I'm not sure... It's pfff... give up words...
:o :o :o :o :o
8)
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Very cool....
Love ya, Jed.
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It's hard to keep the eyes open in no-thing or in other words to print it into cellular level.
Sometimes its the most easy and wonderful but most of the times It creates a huge stress, like literal tearing myself apart.
Any advice at this point ?
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Your still think there is a you doing something... such silliness... ::) :P :'( 8)
Love ya, Jed.
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This is a huge mind ****. Mind tries to resolve this thing and it's a big paradox.
There is all these thoughts about no doer and its implications and at the same time the idea that i've been there and already had that reasonning.
This can't be true. No thought can be trusted. None. It's pure denying of myself. Radical no. Cutting all the meaning.
Every thought come along with a giant "NO". not this one, not the other one, not any future thought. Nothing's left.
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Blocked here
See further.
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Thinking only imply. ... ???
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Ok so this little outburst leads back to reply #109 and #112 and so many other...
Square 1, empty angst.
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No more lies. Yes I do believe that there is a me. My life is me vs world. I came here because it doesn't work, but that doesn't mean I have the courage to do what you recommend.
I'm scared of the alternative. I'm even scared of readers of the forum and you and the judgement I imagine they have. That's not even true, nothing of that is real but...
I can't get past self-defensiveness :'(
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can't can get past self-defensiveness
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Defensiveness is just de fences you have constructed. They are picket fences and quite easy to see through.
Love ya, Jed.
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It boils down to one pattern, resisting or not.
Speaking of which, big resistances in the body, guts especially not willing to give up the fight.
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I was contemplating and the attachment to the body and the impression of being in it. In fact outside of the "my" that is pasted on it nothing tells me such things as I am in the body etc...
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nor I.
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No questions for the moment.
Contemplating the urge to seek easy solutions to fly from what's actual.
Wishing for qualities as perseverance and consistency...
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Yeh, I hear ya... all bull- s h i t though, but thanks for sharing.
Love ya, Jed
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I experienced horror a few days ago, with the whole body contracting and all, no thoughts, falling sensation. It really felt like dying but I don't know, never died before. When it became unbearable I almost puked and it stopped all at once. Weird because at the same time something said it was ok. Second time I had a vision before, I was in a stairway going down, I was screaming in a weird fashion, like a tribal warrior going to battle, then the falling sensation again and the fear... and nothing, I just opened my eyes... Both time I was frustrated it hadn't gone all the way through... but hey do not try to repeat experiences of course.
My world is emptying itself out.
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Excellent...
Love ya, Jed.
P.S. Further.
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In the books, don't remember if it's damnedest or spiritually incorrect... Anyway there is little phrase among others, it says something like "I never stepped a toe". What does that mean ?
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You tell me what it means to you... that's all that matters if anything ever mattered. Just remember, any answer you, or I, come up with is totally made up. In fact, everything is totally made up. Might as well enjoy it.
Love ya, Jed.
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When I read it I took it literally. Complete mindfulness as a consequence of T/R. So no stepped toes... Yep that's the story I made. Don't know if its true, I also heard about a sage who forgets where he puts his car keys...
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Realizing my True Nature did nothing for my already lacking organizational skills. It's a practical consideration in a way, but once you get T/R you will tend to simplify life a lot. Much of the current human experiences is about acquiring things.. but you never own anything, it owns you. Simpler is better, now where the heck are my keys.
Love ya, Jed
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Yeah I've been droning on a few myths about T/R that I have left...
Also I can't get myself to work because of this stupid fear/neurosis and I'd figure if it's possible to relax HERE, while in this (imagined) impasse of not being able to 'fix' things... just being with what is... it might actually open new doors...
But boy I feel the ball of molten steel in my stomach!
:o :-\ :'( and maybe 8) 8) 8)
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;) ;) ;)
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There is a succession of me-s, each have a different flavor, unaware of his deceased siblings. There are recognizable main themes with them. Each one claims to be the first and only citizen of the inner void.
I admit to be one of them while I see the paradox of this knowledge.
Edit : The image is light reflecting on the moon. Moon being me. Sun being... I have no sense of ownership or being of sun, only about me.
Edit 2 : Just saw that a member posted a similar observation, that makes it less personal somehow... of course nothing is personal but it has to be seen.
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Urge after urge, desire after desire. Compulsively avoiding nothingness. When void confronted, anger in a jar.
But then the silence is made, it is, moving, alive! Nothing that can be named. It knows itself without thinking.
Grasping wakes up the mind and rings the end of the holidays.
I'm the enemy with my computer, my programs, my words, my fears, my expectations. It is what is when I'm not.
This is sobering...
,
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Excellent...
Now further...
Love ya, Jed.
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Edit : I don't know what question to ask...
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Good, cause I don't know what answer to yield.
Love ya, Jed.
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I feel often non-localized except for the periods of high striving. Referring to I is even odd at times because of the uncertainty about what it is. There used to be a clear separation between self and world but now only reactions/emotions seems to reflect a person. Between those... no much to say.
The functioning seems hybrid, a blend of mind and flow, like a transition from the one mode of perception to another. It's often like only what is now is possible without possibility of anticipation or choice.
After the message posted yesterday there was an occasion to contemplate during a blockage. The personal will and its believed capacity to influence the body was locked, like if it was in a straighjacket, creating fear. There was less resistance to it so something else was seen, the free space around it. The knot dissolved into that along with every sense of boundaries. I had a few experiences of being the whole damn thing but there it's different. There was no identification at all, no inside/outside because no notion of this kind at all.
Sometimes it feels like a higher power impose limitations to create order in the fragmented chaos which I refer as me.
End of lab note. Still no relevant question.
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I see how any idea gets irrelevant. The truth swallows everything. Nothing cannot oppose it. How can you remember something when there is no frontier to it. Only false can be outlined, remembered until it fades like the rest.
It's hard to stay empty of stories. Haha no, that's just one story... It's like being always awake, 100%, even during sleep but dreaming very often, making stories for the sake of making them.
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While I look into a passerby eyes, I see a fear. Not a fear of the person but of what I don't see. Someone once told me that our biggest fear is what we really are.
When I look into myself in the same way it is the same observation. It's like starring at the abyss. The fear seems to be only a guard dog preventing us to go too far.
Each time I get ridden of illusions. Each time I go deeper.
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Don't stop going deeper.
Love ya, Jed.
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Oh and... thank you :)
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You are most welcome.
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The dead came back from Jerusalem, where they did not find what they were seeking.
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::) ::) ::)
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I have many dreams where I am in a classroom with students and a teacher. Sometimes it's a history class, english class but more often math class. Usually there is something wrong, I'm unable to understand, late, etc... I've had dozens of those dreams.
This time the teacher showed a chemical reaction and I could explain to him redox equilibrium very simply... He looked at me surprised and said something like "Ooooh... I understand you better now, your intelligence is different". He spoke of natural or something. I felt relieved and proceed to explain that despite my good test scores math/logic is not my strong point but he probably had enough to figure it out.
So... ok it's probably a very very long shot here... but I've had the same feeling with classic 'non-duality' books, like I can picture the concepts exposed with some work but they never really click. Do you know about different approaches ? other books ?
Edit : Hmmm... another interpretation tells me that the chemical reaction is easily explained because natural and already internalized. Big logic concepts are only mental illustrations... maybe I just need to drop the need to understand with intellect and let the natural understanding/feeling work by itself...
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Well forget the anxious blah above. It's ok
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Yes, it is all o.k.
Love ya, Jed
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There is always a gravitation toward self-inquiry after a while. It's like, new element come and are observed for a period. Once they are sorted out I go back to being aware of being aware.
I have questions concerning this process...
The mind play all kinds of tricks, claim to be the doer of the inquiry etc... simple awareness is always lost. It feels like a constant battle.
Ramana Maharshi advise to use "who am I?" or similar tokens to redirect the mind toward its source. For a second the mind gets silent and then the I-feeling in the body pops up and distract me. I ask where it come from... again but come back again and again till I'm too tired to continue. Is it normal that it is so difficult ?
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Of course it's going to be difficult. You are threatening your very sense of self, you ego. Maya has a zillion strategies and distractions and fatigue are right up there. If it was easy don't you think more people would have ''got'' it? I can tell you that very few have, very, very few.
Love ya, Jed
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Very few have 'got it' ? I wonder how many possible ways to read this there are... can't really choose one.
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Any one will do.... ::) ::) ::)
Love ya, Jed.
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Ok. If so few get it how would I be one of them ? I'm no hero
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Heros don't get it because it is very ordinary.
Are you ordinary?
Love ya, Jed.
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I am. Sometimes I pretend otherwise hypnotized by the dream's appearances.
Like this afternoon, an old man at the hospital told me he wished to put a bullet in his head to end his suffering. In these situations I become someone in reaction to compassion/emotions.
I've been doing self-inquiry all day this week, so when I heard him the drive to say something got captured before going any further. I just listened.
If I just stay aware of aware I'm very ordinary and all other strategies fall down.
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Good stuff.
Love ya, Jed.
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Ok so it continues.
When anxieties arises they are watched like if it was happening behind a screen. Their violence is tuned out. It's a bit dissociative around here and I'm afraid that following this (non) way I won't deal with problems I should deal with. Blah blah.
Tricky sticky scary but further I guess.
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Yup... further.
Love ya, Jed.
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Seems it's possible to learn to do something new without any of my input / effort / intent / will. It's obvious... but actually witnessing the learning, doing, then seeing the task finished 'automatically' was a source of amazement.
I'm gonna live 'automatically' now ... just being here, until the last distinction is seen to be illusory for good.
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;) ;) ;)
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Did some gardening this week-end... I loved how peaceful it was to just let my body do all the work. In fact it is easier this way because the body waste less energy, finds its pace.
It's a lot harder when there is inactivity. There is still this urge to fill the void...
Ok, that's it for this message, back to ... nothing i guess
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Nothing at all... ever.
Love ya, Jed.
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Still watching the sense of I. The starting point.
There is nothing around, infinite velvet space, peaceful in a way.
When contemplating there is a lot of blanking, I... ... ... I ... ... I ...
There is a desire of getting rid of the sense of I. It could be also said also that it is a cherishing of it.
Focus was at peak before going to bed yesterday. A thought came "there nothing beyond... that's it". A tension was released at that moment.
But it is still... ahem... hard to accept maybe? desire of destroying the sense of I is still present.
advice ?
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Don't put effort into destroying anything, just be aware and eventually you will simply see through everything... because nothing is there but a flimsy apparition.
Love ya, Jed.
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Rough night and week-end. Did breathing exercises since morning to keep away from panic.
I have nothing to hold onto and holding on something and realizing it's impossible create even more panic.
So well... I'm scared.
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Excellent... that's the best indicator you could tell me.
So now... it's up to you. What ya gonna do?
Love ya, Jed
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I don't see any options, no idea
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Excellent.. then there is nothing that needs doing. Great place to be.
Love ya, Jed
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The indicator thingy worked up my gears. I don't want to give false indicators!
Btw the panic went back whence it came without remaining traces, flared up quickly again etc...
Inquired further but confusion prevails.
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Embrace confusion, it needs your love.
Love ya, Jed.
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I want to die. Literally or not i don't care. I can't stand it anymore.
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I'm sorry this is a very un inconsiderate thing to say
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Don't apologize, there is no one but you anyways.
Love ya, Jed.
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Yes about that. It is more difficult when I'm around people. Whether it is friends or family members I feel even more alone and scared.
Yesterday during a contemplation I thought that my calendar for the last few years is very incoherent and all of it to a certain extent. It doesn't make any sense. The idea of future is a big ball of anxieties.
Something clicked this morning around that but I can't pinpoint what. Maybe the idea of being totally on my own in the present moment without possibility to reach out through other or imagination through time... Scary but soothing because there is nothing to do.
I have those insight circling around that. Visions of everything perfect as is.
Questions sections one never knows...
How to die now ?
Or how to get over with fear of death now ?
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You don't fear death... you fear discontinuity of your identity. It is the biggie... and it's totally fake. Go figure.
Love ya, Jed.
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yep, fear what i cannot make sense of... everything. But releasing that grasp boy...
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Good! ;) ;) ;)
Love ya, Jed
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Something running along the previous inquiry is wait for it... love...
A bit of context. I used to see the 'grasp' I described earlier as something to eliminate. I identified as it or identified it as THE drive to wake up.
It is maybe true-ish to say that it is the opposite. I may have got some hints of that before but it is stronger now.
That grasp is really resistance, my reaction to the pull toward the black hole which is the real drive...
Back to love now...
On the contrary of my usual head stuff, this love is discreet but felt with the whole body
I avoided 'heart' things like the plague... That doesn't mean that I'm going to read new agey stuff on the topic no...
But releasing the grasp feels like love. Or love helps dissolving the grasp... don't know.
If my death was imminent, if I were certain that it is the end, I would probably have that smile. Smiling at people, smiling at my mistakes, hopes etc... just smiling...
But maybe I'm deluding myself with this stuff... I trust you to tell me ;)
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Why trust me ??? ??? ???
Trust you own experience and findings. That's all that counts, if anything counts.
Love ya, Jed.
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Roger that.
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:-* :-* :-*
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During the daily stroll around the park there was a lot going on in his head. The usual stuff, but then...
"There is tension all over my body!" he exclaimed.
"But... there is always something that is aware of it."
He paused for a while, his mind empty for a moment.
Suddenly he heard a feminine voice, very soft, very quiet, divine maybe.
She said lovingly and seriously, like addressing herself to a little child : "Who is aware of adinfinitum ?".
Surprised, he obeyed. He looked and listened.
For a brief moment the veil was lifted, he felt a tender lightness. He was free.
A wave of nostalgia submerged him.
Now he's back in his old suit, uncomfortable old suit, missing the heavenly nothingness, delicious nectar.
Like the tarot fool, a dog still bites his leg.
He wonders how to get back there but can't because he is just a dead body. He knows that.
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STOP RIGHT THERE... do not wonder about anything and do not try to recreate a ''peak'' experience. Genuine T/R is not an experience... it's deeper than that.
Love ya, Jed
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Stop = discontinuity => fear => me me me me...
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Fear of the discontinuity... certainly appears, but ain't real. There is no you to continue.
Love ya, Jed.
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Agreed.
Let's call this point the conceptual wall. How solid a conceptual can be... :)
Witness me! (Mad max furry road)
Haha :)
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Further....
Cheers, Jed.
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Yesterday I contemplated pain and the symptoms of sickness. Usually I just wait for it to end. This time it showed that I don't control my body (at least part of it in the experience). The feeling went up to the head, telling that the whole body cannot possibly be controlled. So my body is intelligently fighting me and it's probably a good thing... This morning this idea of not being in control deepened after a dramaqueenish moment I had alone. It gives a visions of the world, including the body being behind a glass wall.
I heard it many times (you not in control), but as long as it don't get in it's just words...
So I remain as an observer. But according to the theory, this observer cannot be true either... this has yet to get in also.
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Dear Non-observer:
Great non-observations... be patient and they will be seen through as well.
Love ya, Jed.
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Dear jed,
Something told me to write to someone of experience, expose the problem to get a outside opinion.
But I don't know how to formulate the problem or a question so I'll just take a recent example.
My neighbor seems to want to know me. I don't. I feel like a kid when he speaks to me and he address me like one. When he speaks to me my heart is pounding in my chest. Not out of love for human beings... but out of fear, like a fight or flight response.
I didn't flee, nor attacked :). I just went through the moment witnessing... I had no real aversion even if it was highly uncomfortable. In the end it is the kind of reaction that keeps me in my house, not doing much. I cannot put up with that continuously. It's too strong. It empties all my energy and with time develop some resistance, avoidance...
All day I inquire into these reactions, into self, asking what it is, is it true? Everytime it is shown to be noisy but illusory. But then it come back strong as ever, hijacking attention in a fraction of time, masquerading as something real.
Some said that the unconscious is like a cold blooded demon, that's how it feels like.
I'm exhausted... Intellectual efforts cleared the theory but the practice is.... dunno... I do notice a few improvements here and there but far from being able to sustain myself again in this world and even more far to enjoy it.
I've been at this for a while now...
Little discouragement there. Will pass...
So Thanks for sharing I guess.
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tbh, i answered myself there... yes it is how it is, more patience.
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Good work....
Love ya, Jed.
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when there is total embodiement of what is paradoxically I disappear. This happens for short periods, senses are normal, the body is felt, thoughts can come but it belongs to no one and there is no one 'inside'. Non-observation of the day.
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When totally involved there is no room left for a ''you''.
Good work, now further.
Love ya, Jed.
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The difficulty all this time was to accept my own absence, not only mine but the absence of everything. Nothing is, only is IS. It's so absolutely nothing that it is impossible to understand, to have this knowledge. It's scary, it's freefall. It always was.
These words can only appear throught time but in truth they aren't.
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::) ::) ::) :P
-
Sure. I laugh... It's a joke
-
Also... I came to this forum in order to stop suffering. At the time it felt impossible to go on. It's still is but further anyway.
The solution it seemed was to see that I'm not the character, that I'm not 'me' basically. It seemed great. I don't care for super Mario as I care for myself... so if myself is in fact mario, the character then all is well! But how Mario would know that he is not Mario ? As knowledge ? Thief catching thief ? How usefull is that knowledge really ? Zero, changes nothing.
It's verifiable, it's felt but it doesn't alter the fact that i'm screwed.
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I cannot know when I'm not
-
.... of course not...
Love ya, Jed.
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:) :) :)
That's the joke
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Again i've nothing to hold on to. There is much discomfort. I dreamt of climbing a moutain and halfway up I understood somehow that there was nothing on top. This woke me up from the dream and I felt the panic. The panic of nothing...
Usually I'll grab a new idea... rince and repeat...
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What kind of soap are you using? :P :P :P :P
Love ya, Jed.
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none I guess. The stain, 'resistance' remains.
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At some point there is only 'not knowing'. 'not knowing' is only the label of a not really describable sensation... But something insist on repeating not knowing like a dumb parrot. Blocked there.
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Hmmm... this obsession about 'not knowing' vs 'knowing' continued for a while. I was convinced somehow that knowing was bad and not knowing was the way to go but I was scared.
Something broke down and I saw that this 'not knowing' is visible, another object of thought. With the notion of 'not knowing' there was an implication of an underlying truth that needed to be found.
Each element escaping comprehension was a challenge to solve and that burns lots of energy and create tension. But as I saw 'not knowing' as another object, suddenly everything is seen as it is. The 'not knowing' element, sometime i call it emptiness isn't something to investigate, it simply is, like the rest. Do I know everything that can be known ? Since ignorance is itself known... Somehow nothing can really stick... it's unusual. I spend a lot of time looking and now there is like a failsafe for unessecary expenditure of energy.
It's like anything now fall under the same category without difference, including me. It's a funny way to see oneself... much lighter, like a simple image. Also there is a subtle indication of the context by the recognition of everything in it... don't know if this makes sense...
bye for now Jed. Thank you
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You are speaking complete nonsense, thank God.
Love ya, Jed.
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Observing (or being) is empty of personal interest that's why it's so easily missed ?
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Well... who would be there to recognized it?
Love ya, Jed.
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;)
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I'm struggling. I'm aware of the fear of no-self, of discontinuity as you told me earlier. I come back to this, the place where you have nothing to hold on but can't help it. I'm aware that the fear itself is not the reality. I can't do anything, just being with it, sometimes indulging in new stories, sometimes staying with the bare sensations. I don't complain this is what it is.
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It's not what is, it's only what appears to be. Big diff.
Love ya, Jed.
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Context and content... nice
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in your latest rant is " focus on the fact that you do appear to be aware and are aware of that appearance" a reformulation of "be aware of being aware" or is it a different idea ?
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I had one of those glimpses (again). It was very clear that I wasn't my dream character... i was not in the picture... well it's useless to try to describe it or prove it. "Do not try to repeat the experience" is with me here.
It was also clear that there is nothing to do to 'get there'. It's really a gift and then it's not because it creates a longing...
The only thing that prevents the recognition at the time I write is the desire to get it back which only reinforce the impression of being a person in a body/separation.
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Soon after I remember coming back into identification with the angst of what next... the price of really letting go is probably accepting radically everything. mmmh these are just musing... will see...
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Good musings, so... what's next?
Love ya, Jed.
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???
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Excellent...
Love ya, Jed.
-
I stayed with the question since then.
It's not about an answer, it's about loosing the questioner/question thing and I can't...
I cannot stay with the question forever but it isn't done... I feel that if I give up the contemplation now i'll go again into the fog only to return at first sign of resistance or longing...
???
Edit : I can't even decide to give up the question...
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I cannot project myself into the future. No concrete ideas to implement, nothing. I'm just doing maintenance work on my body and my close environment. Eating, grooming, cleaning the house, walking in the park and showing up for (seemingly innefective) medical appointments.
Distractions/entertainment become scarce also.
I'm young and that's the life of an old man. Is it a common experience on the way to T/R to be inactive like this for a long period of time?
Adulthood tell me to bear and endure with circonstances but I can never be sure 100% I'm doing the right thing.
I've seen the progress, I don't react as much as I used to do but still not seeing the end of the tunnel demand lots of patience.
My volition seems innefective as much as the surges of various emotions. Observing their stories leave me empty headed.
Is this continous frustration some kind of trial or built-in preparation for... T/R ?
I've stick with your previous question (what's next?) since. It generated striving and more frustration, nightmares also. Predictable cycle. Now I'm quiet but still 'asking'.
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About the most Truthish thing you said was. ''I can never be sure 100% I'm doing the right thing". How about giving up trying?
Love ya, Jed.
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You put a smile on this face :)
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Likewise.. thank you.
;D ;D ;D
That's a pretty cheesy smile... oh well...
Love ya, Jed.
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yes enough of that...
regarding stop trying : impossible.
I wish i could tell you that that's it, i've gone nuclear and all but that would be a lie.
I'm pissed off but not enough to make a change.
What am I doing here ? I mean in this life or dream.
I have no use for it. I don't want it. All I can do is try to pass time by numbing myself with distractions.
And whenever i stop indulging, when i face it, what's next or whatever, blank, nada until I fall asleep.
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I asked what should be done in the previous post but that was a stupid question...
besides by asking the dream i don't know what can come out of it except more dream stuff
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hard to admit i like dream stuff, it gives relief and numb the pain.
the negative dream stuff, drama etc, give purpose... also numbing, loosy escape from now.
I bet SA is just teaching to us dogs to eat our own paws instead of other dogs and furniture.
All these techniques cannot result in T/R. It serves H/A at best.
I never wanted H/A. I've been dissatisfied for too long.
It look like a consolation prize. Here take a treat and shut up. **** that.
The only way to bear this **** is to die as an individual then why not.
As a kid I could never play a game normally, i would seek cheat codes, play god mode and get bored.
Playing the game the way it is intended, as a character makes me crazy.
It cannot be another way with me. There is no way i'll be a good player.
-
there is the desire of destruction but it's all in my head
-
I understand, at least I hallucinate that I understand.
Love ya, Jed
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I would like to hear more about what understanding you hallucinated... maybe it could bring some light here.
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Nah... no point, a hallucination is always a hallucination... and that's all you and I are in this human appearance.
Love ya, Jed.
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Speaking of the dream. It's like the beggining of the sci-fi movie "passenger". (spoiler) the guy wakes up too early, 90 years before arriving to destination instead of 4 months. Everybody else is still asleep so he can only talk to the robots on the ship...
It feels like that. I'm talking to robots and 'me' is also a robot.. somewhat lucid sometimes about its programmed nature. What the point ?
'What the point' is part of the programming maybe... but still wtf ???
-
Also I like my feet they are pretty as much as feet can be. I like to walk barefoot but not to much, on the beach and in the house. Sometimes when I'm lazy I grab stuff on the floor with the left one, my toes are long enough. I know you like them so I thought you should know...
BTW it's kind of end of my world. Breathing, shaking and sometimes contorting my body. When I wake up in the morning the transition is not smooth I get horror sensations from rising of the total void. In the day being aware, non doing I fall out of the picture... Symptoms Jed... Hope end is near.
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Fear also. And nostalgia, as shitty as my life can be sometimes it doesn't justify this... But no lies, one day or another it's gonna be over
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This morning i needed to grab something outside but i tried to avoid my neighbor and her parents, they came for the long weekend and they were here being noisy, very humans, very normal... I feel like a devil when i'm next to them.
I successfully avoided them but i was feeling bad hiding. I inquired into the feeling wondering what it was. Then I heard an old song in my head, a few lyrics emphasizing the word 'shame'... and yeah there it is : shame.
And this sticky feeling was just 'unstickied' because now questioned it didn't make any sense, who's shame is it ? who is there to feel shame ? of what ? This feeling is familiar but now so odd... great
See ya next time, in the meantime i'm listening, not to you or something, just listening.
-
Good work... you shameless bastard, or bastardette, whichever might apply... but maybe that's a little harsh... how about bastardish ??? ??? ??? ::)
:o It's so difficult to be politically correct these days.
Love ya, Jed.
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Jed concerned about politically correct... man who's gonna take the role then :o :o :o
Kiss
-
Back at ya, :-* :-* :-*
Love ya, Jed.
-
to be honest i deleted a big rant just before you answered... i was pissed off by my seemingly incompetence/ignorance.
I read some Nis, was impressed but the 'task' seemed even more daunting than ever.
Sometimes the books are so complicated they leave me in disbelief.
They try to be simple at some point but then I get drowned in the rest of the words and ideas.
"awareness of awareness", "who am I?", "be still" pointers are appealing to me, because of their simplicity... and also the most difficult thing to put into practice.
Luckily the forum can also be a safe space to blow up things, clean up and move on to the next phase of experiments.
Bye
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Ok... time to be straightforward...
What can help with anxiety ?
Beside breathing techniques is there good tools available to drastically reduce the impulse to constantly meddle, to continually form and seek concepts etc.. ?
I'd like your help with that.
As I said before, i tried self-inquiry but always to get distracted by anxiety, fears or doubts. S/A worked in the past to dissolve mental bits, blocks of code but now i've nothing to write or it become sessions where I just stare the computer blank screen.
I've been looking for something to devote myself. Something square and simple because I may have given a lot of effort these past few years but it was never really focused.
If what I ask for doesn't exist or is wishful/simplistic thinking just tell. I'm open for a truthful conversation.
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O.K. Do you think you exist?
If you answer ''no'' then just stay with that.
If yes, then stay with that sense that you are. Be with it day and night and you will eventually get ''it''.
Jump around like pop corn you are just wasting you time... regardless of what you do.
Love ya, Jed
-
Hello Jed,
I applied your advice. Doing my best which is not much...
I am is ungraspable, so sometimes I get very agitated because i cannot find it. I aware of that but I'm often boxing it as concept.
I also get very sleepy when trying to stay as 'being'.
Craving for distraction is strong
At night my sleep is even more agitated and I wake up more often but dreams are a bit more vivid
My week was emotionally rougher than usual
those are normal experiences with this 'practice' you recommended ?
-
Yesterday I did something that I was afraid of doing. I managed to do it but i had a lot of expectation. I hoped I would get something out of it... relief, idk... While I was there, the only way to feel ok was to forget myself, be like a child again... not easy. I kept stumbling on my flaws...
When I was back home I realized that behind the fear was hiding the same guy before anxiety started to darken my life, a guy i didn't like. It's like discovering a bigger mountain behind the mountain you are struggling with...
This night I dreamed of my ex girlfriend. In the dream I was trying to convince her that I had changed, I explained to her the research I did, (reading the books, the thinking etc...) and she said 'ok, so you just changed your philosophy', meaning that I didn't change myself...
Waking up with this was kind of devastating, it reminded me your last rant, all those efforts for nothing, i failed to change myself... i can't, that the thing with 'selves' they can't work I guess.
An old memory came to my mind. I was three years old playing marbles with my first 'guru' I can say. He was older, knew the game better and won my toys... I cried that time, poor little boy...
It hasn't changed much, I still cry when I loose but worse I fear to loose what I think I am/have, parts of what I believe makes this little 'me' and by extension all of it.
Suck it up princess...
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:o :o :o :o
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I don't know what to say
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Good, you never ''have to'' say anything. Pretty much all words are just blah blah.
Love ya, Jed.
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it goes further, i just don't know.. i don't like it
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Who doesn't like it, who is resisting? What does resisting get you?
Love ya, Jed.
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the thing that resists and resisting are one and the same... who is resisting ? It is like asking, who am I ? What is resistance?... no answers
And what does resisting get me? I can't come up with an answer either. I thought about comfort, but it's the opposite really. If it gets me something it's illusory. Doesn't make it stop tough... who wants to stop it ? got yourself in a loop here pal.
Back in "I don't know" and that idea itself is sticky. It's easier to hold on the 'I don't know' idea than really looking at the actual 'thing'.
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;) ;) ;)
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:)
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staying with the sense 'I am' there is obsession with sensations in the body. It's like a mild tension in the upper body. Sometimes it's the face, throat or chest even all of them at once forming a vertical line...
It is a nagging feeling... like it's glued to me?whatever i'm... I inquire into it it recess i find nothing... it's a huge effort and if the inquiry stops it comes back.
Crazy ? Advice ?
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Keep feeling and inquiring into it, as deep as you can go.
Love ya, Jed.
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What was the last trick Maya played on you, the last layer you uncovered back when you were a seeker ?
How does your current experience is articulated ? I'm not asking what you had for breakfast of course. You've made a post about T/R myths. Total mindfulness is one of the myths I think... but i'd like to hear how you would describe your current experience...
TY
PS : really now idea where these questions come from, thought of them last night, they still asked to be written in the morning so there they are... ???
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Please don't waste time worrying about my experiences, yes, it might be good to be a little forewarned, but it is a double edge sword because you will start looking for them in your own experience. You wrote ''i'd like to hear how you would describe your current experience" and this is all you should be interested in, and it's all I am interested in now because I have done my work quite a while ago, and it's time to point, but I need to get a sense of where you are... so please share away.
Love ya, Jed.
P.S. How's that for a non-answer?
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Please share away... that's one of the hardest post i had to write here. I had a fear reaction reading your last reply, a sudden void.
I posted here a few time yesterday but deleted them all. I got nightmares...
Something blocked i guess
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Meanwhile "Keep feeling and inquiring into it, as deep as you can go." between absent mindedness
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Looking in the source again and again...
The now is so bland, so empty, I am deeply afraid of that. It's like loosing the body, loosing everything, loosing what's I think I am. ...........
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Each time this is made clearer, that I've no longer something to hold on, an idea, hope a cycle of panic starts for a few days... Then i get quieter, hopes revigorated again
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All hope is false hope... I suggest you accept that humanness is totally hopeless. Why do you think humans tend to put so much hope into their actions and dreams. That's all Maya/ego.
Love ya, Jed
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I don't know what's that supposed to mean, humanness hopeless... give up the desire to live, to improve ?
Maya says now, "so ok it's hopeless, let's die here in this chair... let's do nothing blah blah blah"... maya's stuff... waited for next... nothing...
Is this a pointer to nowhere because what's the alternative to humanness ? i'd say no-manness but that's a concept so...
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no choice, nothing heh...
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The first alternative to humanness is to grow up and become and adult (H/A) and the perhaps on to (T/R)
Love ya, Jed.
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What's the success rate of the navigator series regarding H/A and can you say that the benefits of following the course are durable (heard about former students etc?)
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Please write me at cambodianashram@gmail.com for Series info.
Cheers.