INVISIBLE GURU FORUM
Member Forum => Member Posts => Topic started by: aldway on March 17, 2017, 10:34:56 am
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Thank you Jed for creating this place.
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I am at a strange place which is neither awakening nor human adult that you described in your 3 books.
Sorry about my poor English so I use easy words to describe what I am.
I don't write much.
I have gave up reading any book for about 1 or 2 years because I am not quite satisfy for those words in books. Jiddu Krishnamurti, Nisargadatta Maharaj are good, but not good enough. Not sure, but they are talking the same thing, I've already "know" it too much, I don't need more. I am just tired about knowing any 1 more word about that. And on the other hand, they talk too much about it but not much on the ego.
I dive into my ego, watch, watch and watch. And I reach and stuck at a place that maybe, I guess, not described in any books.
Not enlightenment I am sure, but not human adulthood I guess (since I am not quite sure that it is).
Since I don't read anymore, so what I can do is only to believe what I see, rely on what I am experiencing.
To not be misleading, I am not at a wonderful land, I am not getting better or at any sage state. I'm just the old me.
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I am not trying to turn off the ego, since I am it and I am still alive, and it makes no sense to turn off the ego.
So from that, I keep asking myself, what I am really want?
Everyday, I watch very carefully and try to understand me and then create good new idea to cheer myself, and for the next day, I find 'bad ideas' and then feel sad to turn down those new finding good ideas, then I forget it.
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Maybe I am wasting my time. I don't want enlightenment because I don't know anything about it. I can only pursue what I can pursue.
So I create a framework, that is basically constructed by what I see and by what I found what works in my experience. And then from that framework I pursue "free thinking way".
Not seeking to be smarter, but I am seeking a way that I can see clearly my thoughts and not fooled by them. And from that I can change my thought, refocus, and make it fun and playful.
I am doing that because I do not deny the ego. I think the only problem of it is not "it is bad", but I don't know ego much.
It is really hard because no any book are talking about that. (And all saints are not interest in it.)
So I can only rely on myself. I keep experiment and observe myself.
I am not trying to restate what I've found. So short for that:
I spend few months to flatten the gaps between me and the 'core idea hide behind my ego'. In this way I can directly access 'What I am really thinking about' easily. In short - to be honest to myself.
From that basis, I start to pursue "free thinking"
It is really hard and a big work since I have to experiment while keep asking 'what is behind that pursuing free thinking?'. You know, it is impossible to really free our thoughts. But I don't find a better word. I want my thought to be playful, vivid and can be easily re-directed.
And I use the imagination as a method to change the inertia of the thoughts.
It works but the only problem is that I cannot 24/7 to watch my thoughts. Most of my time, I am like a zombie without knowing what I am thinking.
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This is what and where I am.
Those are my shares and thanks for reading that!
Aldway
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Thank you for your post Aldway.
You didn't ask any specific question, so I don't have any specific answer. Sounds to me like you are doing just fine. I suggest you keep doing what you are doing and don't seek any specific outcome. Just be with what is.
Love ya, Jed
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Thank you Jed,
Apparently I do not perceive all my thoughts, or I'd noticed them but did not pay attention to them.
So here is my question:
Is it possible to aware all my thoughts by practice?
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Good question. Here is a simple but effective contemplation that I teach in more detail in the Series. Boiled down to basics, take some quiet time and watch your thoughts. Do not be concerned about what they are about. That doesn't matter. Just gently, and attentively, watch them. Let any thought that arises just be. There are some interesting things to be learned by doing this, but I want you to learn by doing, not by me telling.
Love ya, Jed
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Hello Jed,
This is what I see by practicing watching my thoughts:
memory -> reaction -> create story -> (back to memory)
This high-frequency looping forms a dream, most of my time is that I live in such a dreamstate.
If truth-realization means tuning into some frequency, then such dreamstate is a very narrow frequency band.
I am confused why I can live in such narrow space.
That is not fun at all!
Next is my question.
when I see the loop, actually there is no "I" exists.
That is, "I" don't exist in that loop.
If "I" can aware of the loop, then I can change the momentum, create new funny things, like a lucid dream.
what is that "I", is it different from "ego"?
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Generally speaking, the ''I'' is a collection of memories existing in space/consciousness/awareness. The trick is that humans think ''they'' have a memory, that it somehow belongs to a ''them''. Nothing could be further from the truth. What appears as your collection of memories is taken in a group as some kind of identity and ownership (illusory of course) arises. This is all the ''I'' you think is you, is comprised of. Meaningless stories which, on top all the illusion, are approx 99.9% inaccurate anyways. Rather silly thing to build an identity on, don't ya think (said the lady cop in Fargo).
Love ya, Jed.
P.S. I said ''generally'' because there are other kinds of ''I''s but I have described the most common one.
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I find a funny way to watch my thoughts.
After set timer, close my eyes, I start to watch my thoughts,
Besides let the thoughts to speak by their own, I also 'listen' to them.I guess this is the key point that different from normal thinking (zombie state).
So here is the funny part: If I forget to listen to the thoughts, I transform my thoughts into rap, although I know nothing about rap.
In this way the thoughts are no more thoughts, but songs, music, tempo, voice.
Add to that, I found when I do that, I become less care about whether the thoughts are right or false, I just follow them.
I am glad I do that since what I really want is not about letting ego die, but let ego play, cooperate with others.
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Rap on ..... ;) ;) ;)
Love ya, Jed. 8) 8) 8)
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Hello Jed,
I observe that there's a tendency that I am transforming myself into a more focused state.
But this focused state is not deliberately made.
There is a disavantage of such state.
- The ego is 'separated' like puddles on the drying river bed. Sometimes my consciousness/focus cannot swim from one puddle to another since they are separated. So the result is that I often forget about what I am thinking of, talking of, trying to do something from last second. Too easy to forget things.
Don't know why I was guided into such state, so far I do not see any obvious advantage about it. Maybe to achieve what I want, it is necessary?
The following is what I am keep doing:
- Write 2 pages (in a strange form) a day of my thoughts such that I can see them clearly and let they turn around.
- Close my eyes, let my voice of thoughts out, and notice them for 10mins x 2.
Not know what I am trying to express, but those are so far what I am.
Best regards,
Aldway
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Nothing wrong with that, keep doing what you are doing.
Love ya, Jed.
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Hello Jed,
I see that the thoughts are bound with emotions.
When the emotion is aware and I guess maybe I can think 'outside' from the emotion, where the old pattern of thoughts resides at.
The open mind.
But that finding above maybe faded away tomorrow if that really is not matter at all.
Keep going, continue, never ends.
You know, my only problem here, is that I can't keep any finding, theory, or even a method.
They are not important at all.
I hate that what I can do is forget anything I keep, and keep walking to nowhere.
My invisible guru tells me, all I need is don't lie myself, don't hide anything.
If there's a rule then this is it.
F.uck that
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Hello Jed,
I see that the thoughts are bound with emotions.
When the emotion is aware and I guess maybe I can think 'outside' from the emotion, where the old pattern of thoughts resides at.
The open mind.
But that finding above maybe faded away tomorrow if that really is not matter at all.
Keep going, continue, never ends.
You know, my only problem here, is that I can't keep any finding, theory, or even a method.
They are not important at all.
I hate that what I can do is forget anything I keep, and keep walking to nowhere.
My invisible guru tells me, all I need is don't lie myself, don't hide anything.
If there's a rule then this is it.
F.uck that
Damn it, I knew it.
I am heading to what I want.
To enjoy, play, have fun with my new created thoughts, how can I 'remember' or think that old paradigm is important.
Now this new finding maybe also faded away tomorrow :-[
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Wait till tomorrow and see.
Love ya, Jed.
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Hi Jed,
Simple but strange question:
How do I enjoy sorrow, anxiety, angry, disappointment... those 'negative' emotions?
To me it makes no sense to separate myself from 'negative' emotions. (Since I have different tastes, why should I separate sweet from spicy, bitter, or saline? And also I can't tell which one is 'negative')
But at the same time when they come, I can't enjoy them.
I remember that one of your rant wrote: "H/A--You will be happy and no longer experience sorrow"
Is that a result of H/A, or an attempt to avoid sorrow?
Thanks
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As usual, the answer is in your question.... I cannot enjoy those things, so dump the I and the sting will be gone.
Love ya, Jed.
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Why the feeling of deepest root is very similar with suffocation?
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... because...
Love ya, Jed.
P.S. you can quote me.
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The ego is composed by:
- Sets of pure experiences (mainly images), I describe them as pictures.
- For each picture, there is one or more invisible ideas. Those ideas are simply vague comments.
- Those ideas can emit vapor, which is the emotion. And I relate it to the 'comfort zone', since it is the boundary of the ego. I resist to leave that area. The attention, the energy are trapped in that zone.
I can imagine there are clouds in a space. The clouds are the boundary of the ego. Inside the clouds (emotions) I can see pictures are connected together, one trigger another, like a story.
Pictures are no problem. The real problem are the ideas (I call them bugs) live on those pictures. They emit vapour such that I cannot see things clearly, what's worse is, I was trapped in the cloud, while wrongly thinking I am safe to stay inside.
So far what I've observed is:
1. It looks like that the vapour (emotion) is tightly connected to the pictures, but that is not true. The connection that I observed is: vapour---bug----picture. That is, bug stick on the picture and emit vapour. If I don't judge my experience, I cannot attach my emotion on pure experiences.
2. When I observe the happening vapour, I can have a chance to make different choices. But at times the attraction of the vapour is very strong, it is very likely that I was absorbed to that comfort zone, walking on the old patterns.
3. At the center of the vapour, there must exist at least a bug.
4. The method of Zen (watch the breath, ideas, emotions) doesn't solve the problem. Of course when I watch them, I can escape from that vapour, make things different. But the bug still stick on the picture emitting vapour, that makes me to follow the old pattern. If I don't remove the bug, the problem will not be solved.
5. I cannot stop bug from emitting odor. Maybe it is human nature, or, bug nature.
6. Emotions make things real. Of course there is no 'real things'. I guess the reason is that the body doesn't care about the illusions which come from the mind side. (Body is 'real' but the content of mind is not) So in oder to make things 'real' or 'important', the mind talk to the body by means of the emotion.
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Sounds pretty close :o :o :o
Love ya, Jed.
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This is a distraction, but I don't know where to write, so I write here.
Someone sent me a message about a website of Jed's true identity.
I saw that, a good story, but that's it.
The only reason I am here is very simple, record my process of the transformation. Every new finding of mine will fade away very quickly, so sometimes I will forget things like an Alzheimer disease guy or more accurately, a character in a dream (in a dream you are hardly to remember things few minutes ago). This is a consequence or side effect of my current state. I clearly see my path has no trace at all, so I decide to find a place to write.
Actually maybe what I am searching for is irrelevant to H.A. or T.R. I am searching for a very clear mind, a crystal clear mind. In order to see things clearly and think freely, I should start from seeing my mind clearly. I don't care whether there is an outer world/my body/people exists or not because I can only rely on my direct observation and experience. This is not only a ground rule for me but this has been transformed into my intrinsic state.
If my mind is still a child mind, then I will keep relying on something/someone else, if that one could not fit into my expectation, I will get angry.
Always start from inside, and there is only me that can rely on. Nothing else important. I am extremely selfish, I like that.
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:P :P :P
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My one friend also on this forum and she wonder why I am not affected by the gossip of Jed's true identity, so she ask me today.
I told her she can see my thread but she still don't get what I am express. (No one knows what the crystal clear mind that I describe is... so...)
Then there is a clutter of ideas hit me, so I decide to write now.
I write what I received, so please forgive that I use the word 'you' instead of 'I' of the following.
Let's start.
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If you are really on this track(I mean, really), everything will be faded away, there is only your target and you know that very clearly, and, won't be fooled by your ideas(the judgements about someone).
You don't need to be smart, but,
That indeed need a very clear mind, a strong awareness like a laser beam which will see through all veins and directly realize the foolish idea within a few seconds. This process of wisdom (I named it wisdom because this is what I think wisdom is) can be trained but feel not so comfortable, and the transformation of yourself is such huge that it can significantly be seen by you.
That is a state, and from my point of view(although I am only in a half way on it), from this state you can go anywhere.
You know what you think, you exactly know what cause your suffering, and you can have different choices or different actions to play with the current situation/world. Not so wonderful at beginning/mid stage since there are lots of challenges from life, from people you meet. And your emotion is so strong to tell you that your foolish is true, and tell you that your clear mind/intension is wrong. There are numerous and numerous(more than thousands I estimate) chances from life(Maya, in Jed's style) that will tell you that you are wrong, until someday like me, all will be faded away very quickly, and nothing is real and important at all. You don't need to have a thought like 'so I need to think that everything is not important/real', since that is only a thought, not a consequence.
You still talk like a 'normal' people because you exactly know it is foolish to pretend yourself as a special saint.
Every moment/encounter is a training time, until you get used to it, until you can see all your foolish. You can continue to do/say/think fool things until your mind is totally aware of them. Don't force yourself to change anything, any thought, any word you speak,or any action you do, since it is 100% enough to see through your mind.
You call it 'fool' since you know the opposite, but that doesn't mean the opposite is true either. All ideas will go away, but you can fully aware there are other possibilities from your current thought. And that awareness of different possibilities can neutralize the emotion/energy which traps you.
In this way nothing matters to you, nothing important to you. You don't pretend yourself as an emotionless saint since that is foolish, too. All emotions come and go and you can play with them, and say goodbye to them. You will have no intention to release the emotion since this intention is seen through. Only full awareness of all remains.
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I think you would enjoy the latest Rant on Buddhacide.
Love ya, Jed.
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Hello Jed,
Thanks for your Budda... posts, that really is enjoying.
And now I realize maybe what I am searching for, a crystal clear mind, is a biggest thorn/sword.
Or, maybe I am not really want it, I just get enough of my foolish.
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Glad you enjoyed it, now what are you going to do with it... if anything.
Love ya, Jed.
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When I can see clearly of the ego, there's a confidence.
Pure confidence.
Which doesn't depends on anything.
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True, or
The existence of me,
Is true, and
the cause of the true,
Is the emotion.
When awareness see both outside and inside, the true which the character think of, will be no more true.
One by one, layer by layer, from life, from every thought I aware of.
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Sounds like you are well along the path to nowhere.
Enjoy your travels.
Love ya, Jed.
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Sounds like you are well along the path to nowhere.
Enjoy your travels.
Love ya, Jed.
Thank you!
:D