INVISIBLE GURU FORUM

Member Forum => Member Posts => Topic started by: Sandraanne on June 15, 2017, 09:13:29 am

Title: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 15, 2017, 09:13:29 am
I just found this forum and I'm thinking here someone else will know what I'm talking about.  I've read all the books and I know they are true.  I don't have to wonder about it, it's a long story but just believe me when I say I know that.  I started the writing awhile ago and now I just want to write all the time like when I'm writing I can say all the things that I can't say to anyone else.  I don't seem to relate to "normal people" anymore, tbh, I have zero interest in anything they have to say.  It's like I know what they are saying but I just don't relate to the importance of it so I just stay to myself and try to act as "normal" as I can.  It's like pretending to care about something you know is not even real.  Even so I can see it's not real, in my body everything still feels like it is.  There are terrible feelings of fear lately that last a long time, but only feelings, like the feelings are their own thing and I am something else.  I don't have enough words to say it.


Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on June 15, 2017, 10:08:24 am
Hi Sandra:

Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post. I didn't note any questions, but if write helps then write away, but keep it to 200 words or less.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 15, 2017, 10:45:54 am
What do I do with this terrible feeling?  Nothing?  Just leave it alone?  That's mainly what I do like I just look at it and I feel it there and I think well you can't last forever now can you whatever you are?   I can't really sleep anymore, just a few hours and then I'm up.  I'm not really hungry either lately not that it matters.  I mean what could matter? 
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on June 15, 2017, 11:03:45 am
The only thing that matters is what you have made up to matter.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 16, 2017, 03:18:25 am
Right, and if I don't make anything up, then nothing matters.  Or I could make something up on one day and have it matter, but it would be like a choice like today, at first I thought "I need to sleep, I have to go to work and I'm going to be tired," (my conditioning) and then I thought "who decided how many hours I should sleep" and also "who decided that I would be tired if I slept less than that" and then I thought, "you know everything is like this".  Even if a million people believe anything it doesn't make it true, all it really means is that there are a million people believing the same thing and even that isn't true.  I seriously doubt it anyway.  I am not what I think I am and neither is anything else.

But here you have a world (doubtful) where everyone has just taken it on blind faith to believe that everything is other than what it is and it has been going on for so long (maybe) that no one remembers or knows what it really is anymore.

I wasn't even tired tonight.  So figure.  Thoughts?

Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on June 16, 2017, 05:54:56 am
... not many....

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 16, 2017, 10:35:40 am
So I know that there is no self, that anything that is there pretending to be anything is an illusion, but what prevents me (the me that isn't there, is it the me that still thinks it is something?) from just being that?  Is it the false self?  I mean I saw it or I saw what I am (or really am not) so I can't not know it.  I can only pretend not to know it or forget not to know it.  Or could it be that because I'm constantly surrounded and bombarded by illusions that would tell me otherwise and could not accept what I know?  I guess what I'm asking is what is separating me again from what I saw was actually true?
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on June 16, 2017, 10:44:47 am
Could be millions of things, what do you think?

Love ya, Jed
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 16, 2017, 11:22:11 am
That the illusion is some kind of energy field that doesn't want to die?  Or Maya? Or the fear that somehow holds it all together?  False but a sense of obligation to the illusion?  But I'm like stuck in a kind of in between because I know what I know, if I let go to it I will be "crazy", I might not even know what to do but that's not true either, I'd probably know exactly what to do all the time, I think it's probably, fear, fear of death.  If I know what I know then I will die.  The ego dies, everything that I think I am dies.  So it's like I want it but I'm afraid of it at the same time but who am I?  I'm nothing and I can't not know that I know that.  So now I'm a freak. 
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 16, 2017, 12:00:22 pm
This is why I can't talk to people.  I can only pretend I am.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on June 17, 2017, 01:15:50 am
Show me someone who isn't pretending that they are and I'll show you a liar. Just that way it is in this dream.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 17, 2017, 03:24:50 am
So I've been thinking lately about what happened to me, after I went to that meditation 10 years ago now and how I was during the two weeks afterwards and what I experienced then and how I now know that for whatever reason, my false self had vanished into thin air.  That's why I had no reaction to anything and I simply could not be threatened.  I mean who could be threatened if no one existed?  I also remember feeling a sense of awe, like I would go outside and just stare at the sky.  I also remember having to take a lot of deep breaths.  I don't remember having any kind of agenda at all, like I was completely open to anything that happened, there was no good or bad and I was in a situation that would be viewed from current standards as abusive and yet I saw that nothing could be harmed.  I also somehow knew that people were acting and saying whatever it was they were doing because they thought they were real.

So lately, I've remembering it a lot and I see that I can't deny that it happened the way it happened not that I've ever tried to.  Of course, I've talked about it with a few other people over the years none of whom had the faintest idea of what I was talking about.  And now I've found you and this forum.  And the thought comes up again and again, that I've seen what it is.  I mean I can't pretend it didn't happen, not that I'd want to, but I saw it with my own eyes so I know what I know and I can't un-know what I know.  I can't un-know that the self that I walk around being all day long doesn't actually exist. 

If during my day, I say or even think something that is coming from the non existent false self I immediately know it.  But my question to you is do you think that there might be something like consensual reality?  Do you think if you put a person in a room full of completely awake beings that they might wake up too?  Because whenever I read something you write to me, it seems to remind me of what's really going on here like I'm that thing that I was (or wasn't is probably more accurate) during those two weeks.

P.S.  Sorry for the long reply.  Are my replies supposed to be limited to 200 words too or just the original post?
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on June 17, 2017, 03:53:02 am
All replies are limited to 200 words, your forgiven. I'm not clear on your question. Could you rewrite it for me. Just the question part, the rest was just blah, blah.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 17, 2017, 05:00:15 am
Hmm the question is basically does or can what one perceives  affect other perceptions?  Within the dream? I think that may be the question or it could be more blah blah lol
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on June 17, 2017, 06:04:43 am
There is no perceiver and nothing is ever perceived, however, perceiving does occur.

This is beyond figuring out  but not beyond experiencing. Give it a try.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 18, 2017, 02:33:58 pm
As far as I can tell, at this point, I feel like I know only one thing and that is that I don't know anything and maybe I don't even know that.  Today I can't even remember what it is that I thought I knew like whatever it was, was just more garbage.  I don't really feel like trying to remember because I'm pretty sure I've never had an important thought in my whole life even though I can't know that for sure.  So I don't know now whether I'm just incapable of knowing what it is I could know or whether there just isn't anything to know?

I don't have the perfect life, who does?  I'm not rich and I have to work hard to pay the bills but I'm feeling a profound sense of gratitude today for it all like I've never been happier.  Maybe ignorance really is bliss.  No clue. 

And then I went to sleep and when I woke up, I got this...
The gift isn't in what I see, it's that I can see. 
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 18, 2017, 10:15:01 pm
Well, I don't know where I am anymore but this is a good place.  I think maybe I should just stop here for awhile and rest or do whatever.  Maybe I should just leave the T/R for later and just go for the Adulthood thing.  All of a sudden I just feel really happy and isn't that what it's all about anyway?  Maybe it will last awhile, longer than a day or a week, maybe it will last a year or two, I mean I can't know.  But all of a sudden, instead of thinking "I've got to do this (dishes, laundry, go to work) I'm thinking "I get to" like this whole life thing doesn't have to be some terrible struggle all the time.  You know maybe the dream can be a dream instead of nightmare.  Can it? 
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on June 18, 2017, 11:17:31 pm
Can it?

I suggest you find out yourself. Then you will really know and not be taking my work for it.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 19, 2017, 12:26:07 am
Well, I don't know how I'd find out.  It has been experience so far that it can only be a nightmare, so unless I do something different, look at things differently, feel differently, think differently, something, give up trying to be happy, fool myself, all of which I've already tried thousands of times.or it happens by itself somehow for itself somehow which might be what I just experienced but already that's fading.  If anything works at all, probably just giving up wanting anything or being anybody has probably had the best results but I've never been able to sustain that.  Any suggestions?  Or do I already have my answer?
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on June 19, 2017, 12:51:19 am
If it can only be a nightmare, how come this thing called ''me'' isn't experiencing a nightmare, quite the opposite. I think you have your answer but are hiding behind self-pity and drama. Look and see. I love to be proven wrong.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 19, 2017, 03:38:57 am
I'd say the only way to be happy is to get rid of yourself.  How do I do that because I'm sick to death of her.  I'd blow her head off with a shotgun myself if I thought it would work and I'd still have a body.  Honestly, she is mostly gone when I'm at home, when she's not here, I feel fine.  She comes back at work and it's there she gets disappointed, jealous, greedy and insecure.  The truth is lately my money has actually been increasing not decreasing, but  it's never enough for her because I have a job where I could make hundreds even thousands of dollars every  single night, the opportunity is there but it seems like when big tips are out there, the cards go bad..  She's like a curse, when the huge money appears, she doesn't let them win.  So the flow that could be overflowing is only trickling when it could be gushing.   This is all her fault, her energy is off, or something and then she literally fears for her life.  I could be happy if I could just get rid of her.  Just tell me how to kill her.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on June 19, 2017, 05:25:26 am
The Series.... but it will cost you all that blah, blah.

Love ya, Jed.

Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 19, 2017, 07:02:53 am
I read the "a little info on the Series" page and I swear I thought I heard her let out a blood curdling scream of "No" and then she sent my whole body into a state of paralizing fear and I could barely breathe. I'm still trying to recover from it now, trying to calm down, take some deep breaths, so yes, I'll do it.  Now she's like "can't we just plant some flowers?" "No", I tell her, "It's too late for that. If I want to plant flowers, I'll do it without you."

Thank you Jed
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on June 19, 2017, 09:04:20 am
Phew... I can feel it from here.

Wishing you the best always.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 19, 2017, 09:17:48 am
No sleep again but I've recovered from the monster (temporarily) so who needs it, not hungry but starving at the same time, so tired so I'll go for a run, mile five I usually find some relief, pound myself past exhaustion. I get a thrill out of that.  Record week for running, I should just keep pushing it.  Do the kid thing with my kids, people treat kids like crap, I hate that, go to bed, clean your room, do your homework, stupid, I say do what you want, hurry up have fun while you still can.  I can play in that world.  Guess that's why my kids actually like me.  You want pancakes at 3am but we are out of syrup, no problem, Walmart's open 24 hours, get in the car, we can laugh at all the ugly people while we're there.  I got to leave it all behind today (no searching for anything) and just enjoy this.  No work today,  I'm off the next two days, going to forget this world for awhile.

Just let me know when we start.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on June 19, 2017, 09:29:19 am
You started a while ago.. remember?

Love ya, Jed
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 19, 2017, 06:52:26 pm
Your post reminded me of just how long ago and reminded me of a box of journals I wrote. I left them in the old house on purpose because I didn't really want to see them again, but for some reason my dad saved them and gave them back to me last year a couple weeks before he died.  (Ahh, painful now) So today I had a look and found.

4/27/84
Leaning toward upside down

4/30/84
What is the difference between understanding and not understanding? Realizing and not realizing?
Understanding the need to understand (is understood) and realizing that nothing can be totally understood is realizing the need to understand.

4/30/84
I'm sorry I have to leave.
It's too bad I was never there.
Change was only a dream.
I may not be what I once thought I was.

And lastly on scribbled on a note with no date

There is a feeling.  I can not describe it for I only felt it as a child.  A child running through the grass with a melting popsicle and laughter.

Just thought I'd share.  Most of it is blah, blah, blah.  I'm definitely burning them.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 19, 2017, 10:44:51 pm
OMG, I just saw something.  If you don't wake up, because there is no you, only the awake state exists, so there was never anyone else here, everyone is false, the only thing that actually exists is awake.  Everything else, everyone else was never there, they never came down sort of in a way.  Never showed up.  Yeah, omg.  Holy sh## I feel really weird all of a sudden.  Omg, there's nobody down here.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 19, 2017, 10:52:33 pm
So I'm looking at my dogs and wondering, what are they?  And I never had a father.  There no such thing as a father.  OMG Then what is here?  Anything?
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on June 20, 2017, 01:21:07 am
You tell me what's here.. but don't stop now!

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 20, 2017, 08:18:04 am
Well, I don't know.  I mean all the people are gone so that just changes everything.  The bodies are walking around thinking they are real, thinking their lives are real.  I'm still here but my life is gone.  I just woke up and I'm laying in bed drinking coffee and trying to think 'What am I going to do now?"  Other than look around to see what's here.  This is going to take a while to get used to for sure.  My whole life was a search for the truth, like everything I did.  I was jogging everyday because you know I wanted to look good, I wanted people to see me and think wow, you've really got a great body (for your age) and all that.  I wanted to find a partner, someone's to love and take care of me, and all of that but now that's out the window.  I mean what's to love or take care of?  Omg, who am I going to find?  Kind of hard to find something, someone who's not there.  I mean if the other people aren't real and I wasn't real, it kind of puts a new spin on things.  Omg, I wanted to be something, look like something, just like what all the people who think they are people are still doing but all that's out the window.  Who's going to see me now?  So do I go jogging?  I might.  I don't have to, like I'm not even sure if my body is real.  And I'm thinking probably not but I'm still going to experience being in it somehow, just not in the same way.  The dream is sooooo heavy for something that's not real.  I'm definitely feeling lighter.  I mean I want to laugh.  Everything I thought was true, and there's the loss, the loss of everything and everyone or I could cry but I don't really feel sad.  I feel relief.  Game changer!!!  Could I lose this?  Could I get sucked back into the dream?  Does that ever happen?  I don't even want to think like that, as much as I'm losing, this is so much better.  God, all those problems???  A lifetime of problems that were never really there.  Okay, now I'm like I can't believe it happened, like words don't make sense, because what's going to happen, what's ever happened? 

Thank you Jed.  Omg, thank you. 
I don't know what to say.  I'm not even sure that words are real.  I don't think I can really make sense right now.  There's no way to make sense.  There's no sense.  It's like it's a lot and yet it's nothing.  Okay, stop now, hit post.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 20, 2017, 08:20:10 am
Oops, totally forgot about the 200 word thing.  Please forgive me. 
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on June 20, 2017, 08:48:50 am
Welcome home...

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 20, 2017, 09:13:15 am
So I'm cleaning my house, and the vacuum is so full from all the dog hair it won't work so I'm emptying it out, and I have to stick my hand in it to get all the gunk out and it's a totally different experience.  I'm like pulling out clumps of dirt and dog hair and who knows what else, probably dead bugs and I'm touching it and thinking what is this? Feels kind of weird.  Not this is nasty or this is gross, but is this real?  Umm, I think not.  Lol
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 20, 2017, 08:13:42 pm
I know it's a silly question but is there anything I should know?  I found a book in my garage today called "biology demystified" and I just laughted and threw it in the trash.  Things do seem to just flow in a kind of mystical way, super cool.  I feel like I'm just getting my bearings so to speak.  I kind of have a lot of questions but nothing really pressing?  LOL What could press?  But if you could say anything, anything at all, any little tip or whatever, I feel like that would be nice.

Love ya too,
Sandra
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on June 20, 2017, 09:57:53 pm
What could I possibly say?

Tell me and I'll say it back to you.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 20, 2017, 10:32:22 pm
How many (people?) who aren't people who have a body are there now who know that they aren't actually here and don't actually exist?  How many on this forum?

What are we?  Are we anything beyond the perceiving of forms? 

Does who you thought you were fade away?  Because it's not that hard for me, even though, in the background I know nothing is real to keep up appearances at this point.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on June 20, 2017, 10:37:40 pm
Who cares  ??? ??? ???

Just enjoy. Remember, that if you are experiencing it, it's not the real thingy.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 21, 2017, 09:41:24 am
Yeah, ok.

You know you lose a lot, like all the people you really love, and you realize they don't exist even if they think they do and that's sad.  I don't think it's really hit me yet how sad that really is but you know you still get to play with them.  Of course, I'm not here either so maybe it doesn't get too sad unless I miss myself which I doubt will happen since I'm not here to do that.

The beautiful thing is you can still do things that make the "fake people" happy but you can do it just because its something to do that is just enjoyable.  It's still nice to see a smile even if you know a "person" isn't there.  And when you do something it's only for you, so impossible to want anything in return so resentment is completely obsolete.  Wanting is pretty much out the window anyway.

Still, any one of the fake people could wake up and see.  Maybe, not very likely, but possible I'd say.  If it could happen to a nobody like me (pun intended) it could happen.

Do you want me to keep writing here Jed?
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on June 21, 2017, 10:34:10 am
That's totally up to you, but I love your sentence: And when you do something it's only for you, so impossible to want anything in return so resentment is completely obsolete.

Now, further....

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 21, 2017, 07:26:07 pm



So I'm driving to work and I just got sad, a whole world of misery just fell on my head and I had to hold it inside because I couldn't let it out just then, runny mascara and all.  I was thinking that here are all these potentially awake things just sleeping their whole lives and for some reason that made me sad.  Maybe, it's why you do what you do Jed, for the ones that you might get through to?  Is that what motivates you?  They are not real, I know, but potentially real?

A co-worker said to me "Why is today the longest day of the year?"  And I answered "well first you have to believe there is such thing as a year". 
He said "I forgot you were weird."
I said "you have no idea"

I have a long way to go still?  Is the hard part behind me or before me?  Don't answer that, please do not answer that unless the answer is behind then go ahead and answer.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on June 21, 2017, 10:13:27 pm
I will neither confirm no deny (back to my "company" origins  ::) ::) ::) ::) )

Wait and see...

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 21, 2017, 11:56:59 pm
Good answer.

Well, I'm at work and I'm surrounded by lots of "body things," that's my job right now.  It's a different feeling now to be here.  I'm not worried about money at all anymore, figure it will just come when it needs to.  As for the "body things" I'm not worried about them anymore either, hard to worry about something that you know isn't really there.  So fear is either completely diminished or diminishing.

Sadness is definitely there.  I think I'll probably cry all the way home alone in my car.  I'm not afraid of sadness though, it's been a long time since I've actually been able to feel that one.  It's hard not to be sad when everything and everybody you thought you knew suddenly disappears because basically you've just lost everything. 
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on June 22, 2017, 02:38:14 am
It will pass... and new possibilities will open up, for the new-non-you-who-appears-in-this-dream-for-now-only.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 22, 2017, 02:45:25 am
You know what that sadness thing was about, that was her, that was her trying to pull the sad card.  I haven't lost anything.  How could I lose anything I never had?  Something that was never even there.  If anything I've found the only thing worth finding. Next she will try to pull the fear card.  I know her so well, but you know she can't really play me anymore, not for long.  I almost got lost on the way home, I missed my exit, totally freaked me out, I've been driving the same way home for almost a year.  But I got GPS so I'm just saying nice try to her.  For real, I could just hear her saying "Turn back now, it's not too late to turn back."  All I can say is not in a million years.

Further, for sure, you got that right.  I don't know where I am but I'm not there yet. 
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on June 22, 2017, 04:13:36 am
 ;) ;) ;)
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 22, 2017, 11:58:07 am
So many things I did, I did because I thought they would make me look good but now that there's no "me" and "no one" to look good for, I mean I wonder if I'll ever buy new clothes again.  Or vitamins?  Or being mostly vegan?  Who cared about that and why?  I ate a hamburger on Tuesday because it basically presented itself, pretty tasty lol.   I'm still jogging but not as far, nothing to prove i guess, I think I might actually like walking better, but you know I don't "have" to get my jog in anymore.  Heck, I don't "have" to do anything but some things are just practical in the moment so might as well. 

Is there anything I "should" being doing?  Probably a dumb question, but what do I care if I look dumb?  Who's looking anyway?
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on June 22, 2017, 12:16:42 pm
Excellent realizations, stick with it, one thing is missing...  :P :P :P

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 22, 2017, 03:20:23 pm
Is it the perfection like how you can listen to a song you've heard hundreds of times and suddenly know what it means even though the person who wrote probably didn't?
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 22, 2017, 03:24:45 pm
Is it that it's everywhere in everything?
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 22, 2017, 06:20:43 pm
Or is it how, I haven't lost my children, I am my children?  There are no others.  Or is it how I'm driving to work and now I am crying and I don't care about mascara anymore?  Because if that is it, it isn't missing.  It got here today.  I feel like I should really try to get out of work tonight but you know, I'm just here, hanging out with all my selves who don't know that they are me. Totally blown away right now.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on June 22, 2017, 09:13:05 pm
Relax, breathe and let it be as it appears to be.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 22, 2017, 11:26:36 pm
I'm at work, can't get off, a concert night, the place is swarming with bodies and I'm looking at them all thinking it is all me, and just all egos that aren't real, like it's fantastic and I'm like, am I crazy?
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 23, 2017, 03:48:32 am
And everything is all right.  It always was but now I know it.  And things just seem to work all by themselves.  It's all just so amazing, far better than I ever could have imagined. 

Thank you Jed you've given me the greatest gift there is. 
Love ya,
Sandra
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 23, 2017, 02:40:36 pm
Any instructions?  I'm tired.  I feel like I need a good long rest, just rest, like how long have I been trying to get somewhere, be somebody, all that futile effort, I'm tired just thinking about it. 

I have to go to work tonight but I can probably come early.  I made enough last night to make up the rest of the week, why be greedy, unless I feel like staying then I'll stay, hard to tell, hard to know anything right now.  Guess I don't have to.

How much further?  Just forever?
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 23, 2017, 05:18:10 pm
It occurs to me that there are like remnants of my ego, like when I said "why be greedy" in my last post as if there could be such a thing, or even the fact that I could think about money, whether there's enough or extra or any such thing anyway.  It's like before I was in the movie, and now I'm just watching it but I can see why it's further until it's not further, I guess.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 24, 2017, 01:35:13 am
So I was at work tonight and I was kind of freaked out but you know it is what it is.  I wish I could just buzz off someplace and just be quiet for a long time like not have to say a word for like maybe a few months or even a year but I'm practical about doing the job thing for now.  It's just there's all these "things" that aren't really there and they talk and I guess I'm just staring at them and then they say "Why are you looking at me like that?"  (Because you don't exist?) ( And I know I'm looking at myself so I'm trying to see if I'm in there and with some there's kind of this tiny spark and with others, nothing, just nothing, nobody home) So I don't know what to say but "no reason, gotta look somewhere" and then there's kind of this awkward moment and I don't look at them anymore.  So I'm like how do I get on with all this?  I felt so weird.   And then just like that it all just fell away.  I just got done looking at them and now I'm done talking.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on June 24, 2017, 01:40:22 am
How about one post a day. Clear up you questions and I'll do my best to answer, but you may get the answer first.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 25, 2017, 11:27:11 am
I was scared, actually terrified last tonight. This happened to me before when I was a teenager and I had a some kind of break where all at once I saw that everything that I'd ever done or felt was a natural reaction to everything I'd ever been exposed to.  I remember trying to explain it to my parents but they wouldn't hear of it, somehow they thought I was blaming them even though I wasn't,  I just saw that everything made perfect sense, anyway,  then this feeling that I could disappear, basically maybe go insane and not even know it appeared and it was so intense, they had to put me on drugs.  So my question for the day is do you know why this is happening now or what it is? I would ask will I be okay but this question doesn't even make sense anymore.  Help, your prompt response would be appreciated. I thought I would go to bed and it might go away, but it's still here.  Fear of being nothing, of being annihilated. 
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 26, 2017, 02:11:56 am
Of course, that never actually happened because nothing is actually happening, ever.  And that's the joke of it.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on June 26, 2017, 08:08:55 pm
Hi Jed,
I saw that all fear is Maya so I'm not afraid anymore so if I feel any fear ever again, my first thought will probably be that it's false and I'll figure it out.  I can't think of anything to worry about anymore so I'm not.  My dream is pretty enjoyable at the moment.  I think if there's a point that's probably it, just enjoy it.  I don't need anything and I don't want anything.  If I do anything at all, or want anything, I would do or want it for someone else, not because I'm a good guy but because it's just how I feel.  So I finally get the real gist of to give is to receive.  That's a first for me, seriously I never really got it till now. 

I think when I was at work all the talking bodies were getting to me, and I don't know if I thought it or it's thinking me but the sadness is and was real.  I feel for all the consciousness that doesn't get through because there's incredible beauty and love where I am and I'd wish there could be more but maybe I'm just hard wired that way.  Maybe that's just my dream.  I'll take it

Love ya,
Sandra
(No idea how many words)
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on June 26, 2017, 11:16:22 pm
All good, enjoy.

Love ya, Jed
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 01, 2017, 06:54:54 pm
Hi Jed,
      I just felt compelled to drop you a note who knows why.  (I guess no-one lol). I seem to be in some kind of process where everything I think gets redirected through the filter of what I now know or don't know.  (Seems to go both ways). So like, I just had the thought that now is the time that I should write more and then I immediately remember that all "shoulds" are off the table, not that I won't write more, maybe I will, maybe I won't.  Then I think I 'hope" I do and remember that "hope" is out the window, too.  Then I just laugh because I feel like it.

Music is awesome for me now.  It's like I never heard music before, it's like now instead of hearing the music, I am the music.  So I'm listening to a lot of music.

Ok, love ya,
        Sandra
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on July 02, 2017, 01:25:06 am
So writing doesn't seem to occur but listening to music is arising, no problem IMHO.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 02, 2017, 10:22:12 pm
I'm writing again but question...am I actually choosing anything or is it just arising?  Like maybe the arisings are there as insights into my next steps which are taken in the dream.

Wondering...
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 03, 2017, 04:10:03 am
To clarify, obviously there aren't really any "steps" to take in a dream, but I still might as well do something and perhaps the arising is something to pay attention too, not that I could get it wrong, obviously that's off the table too.  A lot of things are off the table but I seem to like the less cluttered look much better. 
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 03, 2017, 06:59:37 pm
Never mind.. I already know.  What else is there to say?  I can't think of anything.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 03, 2017, 07:01:41 pm
Except one thing, one thing always

Thank you
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 04, 2017, 01:05:42 am
And then I thought "Now that everything is "off" the table, everything is actually "on" the table.  It's just not my table anymore."
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 04, 2017, 01:59:52 am
No that's not it, I am the table and the table is everything, which is why everything's on it except nothing is on the table, it's not really a table,  I don't need the table, if something pleasant comes on the table, great I'm thankful, if nothing comes on the table that's fine too.  Don't worry about the table.  The table can be a table if it wants to or it can be nothing, either way it's fine.  It's not about the table anyway.  Tables are still tables until they're not.  Then they are something else or nothing. 

Just clean the house and do the dishes, take the garbage out.  Taking the garbage out is a fine and noble thing to do.  There aren't any better things to do than that.  Now the garbage isn't in your house any more and that's beautiful. 

Guess I'm writing again.  I don't have to make sense.  Who cares about that?
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 04, 2017, 11:29:20 am
She wants you to answer her.  She wants you to say something because you are like the authority on this stuff and she wants to know she's doing a good job.  But she's not real, she never was.  I can still hear her though sometimes when she says "I'm sad.  What did I do wrong this time? Did I screw it up again? Why am I always screwing things up?"  So I say "Because you're not real.  That's why?  That's what unreal things do.  They don't do anything else, just go around thinking they are real when they're not."  "I'm real.  I swear to God I'm real," she cries.  "No you are not, now stop bothering me. You want to be good, then do this, shut up? Nobody's listening to you anymore anyway."

And that was the end of the conversation for now.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 04, 2017, 12:38:22 pm
And then Jed was gone because she killed him.  He wasn't real either.  And she sat in her kitchen and knew she was all alone.  She always had been.  And the dog came to her and wanted petting and the children wanted breakfast and she thought "what the hell, might as well play along, this is a fine game as fine games go."
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 04, 2017, 05:17:10 pm
Wake up Jed, your not dead, not yet.  The dream is attacking me.  For real, not real, but that's what it looks like.  It's coming at me from all sides.  Even my own dog attacked me, a big German Shephard, no doubt, it (the dream) doesn't want to let me go,,, are you kidding me...I'm going,,,to bad,,,you had your chance to work out but you blew it, you blew it over and over again, I'm not giving any more chances.  I'm leaving and I'm not coming back, you can try to kill me but the gig is up, and your power is waning.  I'm on top now and I'm going to kill you.  I am killing you, that's what I've been doing, let's get it on, throw it all in my face, go ahead, I laugh at you now.  You got my attention for five minutes, that's all, that's all you get, and I'm not scared anymore either so you can trash that tactic.  Just so you know I'm not playing small anymore, small time is over. 

And that's the way it goes?  Now you should answer me.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on July 05, 2017, 02:23:20 am
 :o :o :o ;D ;D ;D :-*
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 05, 2017, 11:09:27 am
Nothing is happening.  That's it isn't it? Nothing is ever happening?  There's nothing here never was never will be?Sh*t
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 05, 2017, 01:28:56 pm
Omg, I think I was in shock just now but then it just got funny and I imagined that I was at work dealing blackjack and kicking everyone's a** and everyone moaning and complaining and I could just say "Well, the good news is this isn't really happening so don't worry folks, there's no money here, (there's no money period but let's not go there) I'm not really here and you're not actually playing, it's just a dream, but if you could all just lighten up a little and not care so much about a silly dream, things will probably go a whole lot better and you might actually win a hand or two or maybe all of them. So how about we start with everyone pressing their lips together and maybe turning the corners up into whatever smile you can make and keep them that way for the duration of my time with you which isn't really happening but let's pretend it is." 

Now that I think about it, nothing is probably for the best.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 06, 2017, 01:55:54 am
 Whenever I write something about an hour later I look back and think "that's the stupidest thing ever".  Blah Blah Blah is still here.  There have been moments of pure magic and then back to the grind of purposely throwing up my arms and just surrendering to the utter confusion of not knowing anything.  This would probably be easier if I could just run away to some hole and disappear for awhile but that would not be something I would do.  So I have to do it this way, going to work full time and just getting by as best I can.  But I know I do not exist as who I thought I was, so then who can I be?  I can't be anybody but I have to be somebody to function.  What to do?  I feel like I'm falling.  I feel sick, very very sick. Help please.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on July 06, 2017, 03:16:48 am
''Sick" can feel like hundreds of things. What is it like to you.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 06, 2017, 11:07:13 am
I don't know, like a really bad feeling, like my whole life is wrong.  At first, I was like wow, it's not what it is thank god and there was all this magic energy, even at work, something was there that changed it all.  And then something changed, and I could see that it was all a lie, and all the people were lies too and worst of all I was acting a part of the lie.  I'm a perfect employee for god sakes.  At first, I felt compassionate to the others, like how could they know and now I'm like, how can you settle for this, this is the stupidest life ever, how can you sit there and believe it without even questioning it?  All this pretending to be nice, the subservience is just nauseating. 

I think of a little two or three year old child throwing a fit, screaming "no" and throwing themselves on the ground arms and legs flailing against the parent that is trying to whip them back into shape and I think "God, bless that child.  That's the only sane reaction when you realize how many lies they are going to fill you with."
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on July 06, 2017, 12:31:41 pm
You won't find me arguing with that...  ;) ;) ;)

Love ya, Jed
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 07, 2017, 08:54:11 pm
I'm relaxed now. My mistake was assuming a good versus bad, right versus wrong.  I'm writing a lot again, just letting things be, not trying to do anything, just letting whatever comes come, letting whatever words come come.  What else is there to do, but let it do what it does?
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on July 08, 2017, 12:15:05 am
That's all you can do really, but contemplate this: Nothing has ever happened and everything has already happened. That's just the way it is in infinity.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 09, 2017, 11:56:01 pm
Wow Jed, that's got to be the most powerful sentence I've ever read.  It like shot me straight into some other dimension.  So I'm contemplating just how far down the rabbit hole goes and that's pretty far, like all the way far, never ending far. 

I feel very alive right now.  I seem to have a new energy coming from somewhere inside me or so it seems.  Egoic thoughts are pretty easily detected now and challenged and seen as false.  Funny, I once thought it was hard to talk to people before but now it's even more difficult since there's not a whole lot to say and if do I'm acutely aware that I have to lie to play along. 

I feel I should trust this process because it's actually taking care of itself.  I'm not actually doing anything.  In fact, I couldn't do anything even if I tried and that is actually very comforting.  Extremely comforting.

Music is like heaven to me.  So beautiful, I can't get over it.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 10, 2017, 02:54:27 am

Sometimes I will have a bad feeling usually fear, but when I do, I don't fight it or try to get away, somehow I just sink right into it literally as far as I can go even if I get terrified, just stay there.

Driving home from work tonight, all of a sudden I didn't recognize the road I was on and I thought I must have missed my turn again but then I saw the sign for where I live and I thought well I'll go this way, this is the other way, but it wasn't.  It was the turn I always take and I didn't recognize it as my regular way home for a few miles.  That was strange, and then I could feel the fear rising up in me, but I just go with it and think what's the worst that could happen. I could die?  And apparently I'm ok with that in some strange way these days.  Just ready to go whenever. But I just go into the fear, and I'm still here.  Probably because like you say, nothings happening.  Everything's already happened comforts me so very much.  I've very attached to those words now.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on July 10, 2017, 06:04:44 am
Take the words on, play with them, experience what you can and then throw them out. No words are true, none, ever.

Love ya, Jed.

P.S. Well, the ''Love ya'' part is true, but that's all... the only words every written in the history of the universe, right here, right now, before CNN gets a hold of it and some talking heads debate the crap out of it, ''I love ya'' is true.... well, maybe... I think it is, ah, who knows...  ??? ??? ??? ??? :P :P :P Let's just says it's a ''working hypothesis''.

Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 10, 2017, 08:14:57 pm
I'm right there with you on that one.  They feel true to me too., probably the only thing that is but who knows.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 12, 2017, 02:15:51 pm
I know the false self still wants to sneak in somewhere, really anywhere it can.  It might want me think I look good, or that I'm proud of my son because he makes ten 3 point basketball shots in a row (it's the one that wants to say 3 point shots and not just shots) that's how crafty it is.  It even wants to feel special that it's not real, that's how stupid it is.  It wants to think that there really is a happy ending and that's it's found it.  And that's when I turn and kill it.  That's my job now, just killing off all the little pieces and every little bit of hope that it's all going to work out after all. 

Only I'm not doing it.  I'm not doing anything.  I'm just watching it happen, maybe letting it happen, maybe this is the part where I've fallen off the edge of the cliff and now watch as the rocks below that will smash me to bits get closer and closer. 

And after that I listen to music and think about the sentence you wrote and stay calm because it is what it is.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 12, 2017, 02:46:31 pm
Correction "it" listens to music and takes a break, the moment I think I do anything is already an error.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 12, 2017, 06:26:39 pm
I seem to be in the burning up part right now.  I literally feel like I'm burning from the inside out. Just letting it happen is all I can say, ouch.  God help me I can't even ask what it is.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 12, 2017, 11:07:22 pm
Omg, I know what it is.  I need out of my life.  I need out of my smallness.  I was grateful for my own captivity.  I was grateful for my job, stupid job, all night long talking with stupid people.  This is a disgrace.  Who I thought I was, what i thought I was, god pathetic. 

What's happening to me, Jed?
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 13, 2017, 09:20:24 am
Well, whatever it is, it's better than anything I could have ever thought up.  I'd try to describe it but there's no words for it. Words are small things anyway.  Useful but totally over rated.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 13, 2017, 06:24:10 pm
I would have thought it weird before but now nothings really strange at all.  I keep seeing the word "aspen" everywhere I go, on road signs, on the side of trucks, just totally stands out to me.  At some moment, it will all become clear to me, this much I know, because it's all like that now.  I can look back on my whole life now and see how it all played out so perfectly.  There's nothing but perfection in every single thing that appears to appear.  No mistakes at all anywhere.  Who would have thought that? 
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 14, 2017, 02:53:32 pm
Yeah, here I am still trying to figure something out, like there's something more to do, my mind still spinning and then it dawns on me that right now, what ever there is to do, mow the lawn, do the dishes, vacuum, make dinner, take a bath, have a cup of coffee, write a few words, go for a walk, get ready for work, go to work is enough for today.  When something else happens, then something else will happen.  It's quiet time now.  Only a self that thinks it is here can want to be somewhere else doing something else.  And I think, I am, that's all there ever was to it.  There was never really anywhere to go, it was all about knowing I was already here.

And then all of a sudden, I can hear the music again.

Or in the words of Jed "That which could not be simpler."

This is it until it's something else.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on July 15, 2017, 04:18:51 am
Don't try to figure anything it. It all is already.

Love ya, Jed
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 15, 2017, 11:39:47 am
Maybe, I was at work last night dealing a craps game and I find I just can't look at people, well, I do look at them but for some reason I don't want to.  I mean it's starting to really sink in that none of this is real, like even the stuff though it appears real, isn't really there.  But the people, I don't know what to think about the people, I think maybe I should feel sorry for them there just getting drunk and gambling and trying to have a good time but then I think what do I care what anyone else does, it's not like anyone is choosing anything, it's not really happening anyway.  Even my co-workers, hustling the players hoping to make money, and I just don't care.  I don't even care if I make money.  I don't see that I have anything to do with it and I can't bring myself to play the role that I do.  The most I can do is the occasional smile and thank you, and pay the bets and deal the game and just whatever happens happens.

Just the way it goes?  What about the Series thing?
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 16, 2017, 11:57:01 pm
Omg, oh wow, I'm crying, the music is talking to me.  All my life, the music was telling me everything I needed to know. 
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 17, 2017, 11:45:17 pm
Things are definitely not what they appear to be.  Nope, no way, there is something going on here.  I don't even have the capacity to see it all yet just bits and pieces but I'm starting to sense the magnitude of the delusion is so huge as to render everything I've ever thought I knew completely and utterly obsolete.  Every single thing and every part of me along with it.  That's about all I can say right now.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on July 18, 2017, 10:21:05 am
 :o ::) :P :-*
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 19, 2017, 03:24:59 pm
Today I thought I think maybe probably there's nothing here which kind of took all my hopes and smashed them.  One by one, one hope by one hope, I feel like everything's getting crushed.  Feels pretty sad to me for some reason Oh well, you know, who was I kidding? 
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 19, 2017, 09:00:46 pm
My life is over.  I've ruined my life and I basically hate myself for it.  Who is that?  I'm losing it.  I don't know what I'm doing anymore.  I'm not a nice person anymore.  Sh*t
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on July 20, 2017, 02:08:04 am
Sounds like you've got nothing to lose now... so, might as well just sit back and watch the s h i t storm. Nowhere to go, nothing to lose, no one to be, no one to impress... sounds like my life and I am enjoying the heck out of this dream...

My take is that is that you think life is serious... am I right? Seriousness is for sick minds... to be avoided at all costs. You are the punchline to the joke called humanness. Look and see.. find out for your self and then get over your self. You just aren't that important and there is a lot of relief in realizing that.

Love ya, Jed.

Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 20, 2017, 05:45:31 am
The infinite talks?  Like everything that happens and even what I do is out of my control but there's like a message to get me to see it's not real.  It's like how the past continually repeats itself, like the same story over and over again in a slightly different version. Like in some strange way, your own beliefs in the dream get reflected back to you as the actions of other people and events.  I'm not in a dream, I am the dream?  I knew I was creating the storm and I couldn't stop myself, I was literally watching myself do it and saying "stop, don't do this" but I couldn't.  And it was my history, repeating itself, like the infinite saying "how many times do I have to play this scene for you to understand what's going on?  Here take this, see if that wakes you up."  The signs believe me have been everywhere, it's like it wants us to wake up, it's everywhere screaming at us to wake up saying "for gods sake how many coincidences, how many signs do you need?  You are not real, this is not real" so like you say "Get over yourself already."
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 20, 2017, 02:03:37 pm
It's my birthday today and my daughters.  My life's not ruined, it's just beginning.  I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me.  Something's not possible but nothing is better than something, it's freedom,
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 22, 2017, 02:57:48 am
Hi Jed,

Just wondering how it is for you being awake but being surrounded by just unconscious people, like basically everyone?  Like do you find you can't stand to be around them for very long or anything like that?
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on July 22, 2017, 11:10:01 am
Not a problem at all, I don't see them as less or more than me... perhaps a little sleepy, but that's just the way the dream is and no dream should be taken too seriously...


Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 23, 2017, 12:24:51 pm
Hi Jed,

Thanks for your answer.  I have another question.  Have you ever heard of a book called "The Presence Process" by Michael Brown and if you have, do you see any value in it as far as T/R goes?  The reason I ask is I've done the process about 5 times now and a few days ago I felt compelled to go another round so I am along with continued S/A.

If you are not familiar with it, it's designed to reconnect you to your awareness of consciousness though he calls it Presence by continuous breathing (no pauses between inhaling and exhaling) twice daily for a minimum of fifteen minutes.  My experience with the breathing is it either brings up feelings of intense fear, sadness, or extreme peace sometimes a combination.

Where I'm at now in all of this?  I pray for help in surrendering.  I just say "I want to surrender completely but I don't know how. Please show me."

Ly2,
Sandra
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on July 23, 2017, 12:30:22 pm
Surrendering is just a decision. You want it, but not badly enough.

Yes, I am quite familiar with it.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 23, 2017, 02:13:37 pm
Then what's in the way?  Of not wanting it badly enough?   I mean what else is there other than surrender to perception?  Nothing to be, nothing to do but what arises then do that?
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 24, 2017, 01:54:26 am
Yeah, I'm stuck. Totally stuck.  Help?  Which way?
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 24, 2017, 06:32:40 am
Omg, holy sh*t, I get it.  It's the whole speck in someone else and the log in your own eye thing.  The log is that it's a dream.  It really is a dream.  What the... that's why it's ridiculous to ever get mad about anything or with anybody...the log is your own big, humongous error that it is real. 

Oh God.  Tripping.  It's one thing to say it's a dream, it's quite another to actually see it.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 24, 2017, 07:32:16 am
So like ... what am I supposed to do here ... aren't they(dreams) like custom made because it seems to me that mine is at least to some extent.  You know I'm like sitting here and my thought is "Oh God Sandra, you've really done it this time.  You just never could leave well enough alone.  Always stirring the pot so to speak, never going along to get along, now look what you've gone and done, first you erase all the people and now you've erased the whole world. I think probably you didn't really think this all through like you thought you did."
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 24, 2017, 04:05:33 pm
No offense Jed, but why did we want to know this stuff?  Well, you're not answering so I think this is the part where you go alone, bye Jed, if I make it back, I'll let you know.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on July 27, 2017, 12:38:53 am
I suggest you review the Jed Rants. You will find the answer to all you ''why'' questions.

Love ya, Jed
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 27, 2017, 06:29:49 am
I will but here's my own answer ' because only an idiot looks around at what we currently call reality and thinks 'this is fine or this is enough.  I compare myself to a flower and I think I am even more so fantastically made and for what, for worrying about what kind of car I'm driving or what I'll do on Friday night?  It's just too stupid to be true.  Anything that' currently falls under the category of "normal" is clearly not it.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on July 27, 2017, 08:05:05 am
It sounds perfect, but perfectly silly....

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 28, 2017, 02:05:48 am
I'm back.  If I go back to being uncomfortable, confused, trying to know something, figure it out, now, no, just wait, look, not true, nothing there, just Maya.

Incredible energy now.  Jogging again, not to look good, what do I care.  I'm jogging farther and farther, feels like nothing, I'm 52 and it's  hot 90's, I can't even feel it.  I'm amazed and crazed with it.  It's like a burning.  Sleeping less, 3 hours and a nap, not tired, I can sleep when I'm dead. So much to do, I have to see through it all.  I can't stop, it's like an avalanche.

Music, everything is in the music.

I'm at work and it dawns on me.  I'm the only one here.  There are bodies, potential, if no one is here, the self vacant, non existent, than how am I here?  Unless I'm not.

I said to my players "What if what you think is going on isn't really anything like what is really going on?"  One guy said, "You lost me there. I have no idea what that means."  I said, "Yeah, I know, that's what I mean but don't worry about it."  Getting very funny now.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 28, 2017, 02:31:28 am
Omg, there's no time, that's why I don't need so much sleep now, there's no such thing as time?
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on July 28, 2017, 06:13:10 pm
I'm not doing anything? Am I?
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on August 03, 2017, 06:54:30 pm
I feel like I'm falling and I can't get my arms to reach out and grab anything.  I dreamed I was under a truck and it was about to run me over but if I cried out the driver could easily hear me and stop, so I tried to call to him and found I had no voice, so he started to drive and I briefly saw he was going to miss me, like I would actually be untouched then I woke up.

Now I'm just terrified and if feels like everything, myself included is falling away, and all I can do is let it happen.  I would reach out and grab something but when I look for something to hold on to, I find nothing like there's nothing there. 

Question:  What is this?
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on August 04, 2017, 08:44:16 am
I mean what's the point?  All the points are gone.  I'm not just feeling sorry for myself, forget about me, I know I'm nothing, but everyone else, those are all my people, all of them, and the needless suffering at the hands of a great big lie is almost to much to bear. What must have started out as a beautiful dream has turned into the most grotesque of nightmares.  And there's nothing I can do about it, but save myself, grow my self up, don't add to the misery, one less miserable.  And hopefully my children.

My own mother used to get so mad at me if I touched her things but I'm different with mine for a long time now, I never get mad at them, only try to help, as for "my" things.  I dont have any.  "Don't even ask", I tell them, "Everything I have is yours."  Whatever happiness or comfort I can give them, I give. I wish I could give more.  They don't have to deserve it or earn it, just be happy, have fun, I'll take care of the rest.  Whatever I can manage to take care of that's what I do.  I can't make the dream a better place for everyone but I can do it for my children.  I'm not a saint either.  I get way more than I give.  Just one smile from any one of them, breaks my heart open into a million pieces.  Everything can be found in the eyes of a child.  That much I know. 

Now I'm watching them very closely.  What do they see?  And I try to see that.

Everyday is something new, I guess. Up and down it goes.  I guess you never know.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on August 05, 2017, 11:56:58 pm
God what's it take to completely kill yourself off?  I'm so sick of dealing with her.  You'd think that once you see she is not real it would be over but no?  Everywhere I go there I am.  The battle is on... that's all I can say...let's go.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on August 06, 2017, 05:05:27 am
What you resist will persist, so you tell me what to do.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on August 06, 2017, 12:47:34 pm
"What you resist, persists"

Well, Jed, that would probably be just my whole life as I have ever known it.  My whole pathetic little life and all my petty concerns, a million and one things or more. 

I think this is where I really start writing with S/A. I just hope I live long enough to sort out my mountian range of bullsh*t.  I was wondering where the painful part came in, wondering over. 

I'm a lie.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on August 06, 2017, 11:53:00 pm
Don't go backward wondering about the past... of course you a lie, all humans are... big deal!

Now, what if you wondered what it would be like if you made up a dream, that dream is everything that you ''think'' is happening around you?

Wouldn't that be more fun? If you are going to wonder, then wonder big...real BIG!

Love ya, Jed
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on August 08, 2017, 01:33:15 pm
That's good advice, I'll try that.  As soon as I stopped resisting, my pain stopped and the feeling of magic seemed to reappear.  I'd say now I'm in a bit of melancholy, just realizing that everyone I talk to, just everyone, isn't really there at all, kind of sad, hard to really say anything at all, what to say, I know what they're talking about all too well, but the importance of anything seems to be lost on me and people can sense that.  Even the songs with words don't want to be played anymore so I'm listening to instrumental now which i can some how relate to.

If I had the money, I'd probably drive to the ocean and stare at the waves, that seems like a cool thing to do.  I've mostly stopped jogging, I like walking the dog though and I might jog a mile or two but my heart isn't in it anymore. I'll buy a lotto ticket tonight like I always do but where I once thought that a lot of money would make me something special, now I just see it as a means to live quietly away from things.  Yep that's where I'm at.   Guess I'll finish the laundry.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on August 10, 2017, 04:44:54 am
Sounds like a plan....

Love ya, Jed
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on August 13, 2017, 04:24:17 am
So I accidentally posted "my post" on someone else thread and oh god, the horror and the shame of that accident like shot me dead (I wish).  I guess that was careless, I wasn't looking, just figured I was on my own thread.  The false self hates it when things like that happen.  Oh yeah, I was like "Calm down and shut up" I can't even deal with you anymore.  Die already.

So I'm reposting it here.  But I do apologize and ask this question "Why does anything happen the way they appear to happen?  Or is nothing happening?"

*. Then I realized I could remove the post from where it was so I did.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on August 13, 2017, 04:25:43 am
I would say it's seems hard sometimes to remember that I'm not actually here and neither is anyone or anything else.  The forms just seem to pull me in, but the heaviness of it, of that, this dream, reminds me that I'm dreaming this, but it also tells me my false self is still lurking close by.  Then I think, somehow, I choose to dream this.  God why though?  Am I resisting?  I mean, I've had some crappy dreams and so far this is the best dreaming I've ever done so why the heaviness?  I must be worried that this is the best I'll ever get out of the dream and that would suck, really suck, like if I'm dreaming why can't I dream something better than this, something totally extra ordinary?  Then I think just knowing it's a dream is pretty extra ordinary already so I just go with it.  What else is there to do but just go along?

And then I think, I'm still false because I'm judging.  Only a false self could say something sucks or something could be better than anything else so that has to go.  I mean by whose standards am I judging?  My own or that of my conditioning?  And who is judging?  The Who that isn't there who still thinks she is?

Yeah, so this.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on August 13, 2017, 11:06:31 am
Four hours sleep, the dogs woke me up again, and the word indifference came up.  Then I read where your wrote "Resistance is the super glue that holds it all together" and so I looked up the word "resistance" to see if I really knew what it meant and I got..
"The ability to not be affected by something"
And I thought "the whole idea something could be wrong, could ever be wrong" needs to go and that the very act of wanting something to be different is what keeps it the way it is.
No self equals indifference defined as "lack of difference or distinction between two or more things" and " the absence of compulsion to or toward one thing or another."

And I thought "I need to fully contemplate these things" along with something else you said "nothing is real."
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on August 14, 2017, 12:04:32 am
Now... go do it!

Love ya, Jed
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on August 15, 2017, 05:32:19 am
There seems to be a pattern emerging here like the next thing I need to know is the next thing I find.  Same with the stuff I do, like walking the dog.  I seem to do my best thinking about all this while I'm walking Luci.  I used to always run or walk with music blasting through my headphones and that's still fun but now is a time for figuring out what's going on.  So here's what I got today...

Everything is me.  I have literally created every situation I have ever been in and those situations which I find unpleasant are on repeat mode until I go back and destroy the wrong knowing that created them in the first place.  It's all a dream so there's no good or bad, but I've decided to welcome every single thing, every single moment that comes my way and see how that works.  No one is doing anything to anyone because there's no one here, only one thing, and it is you, and me, and every single thing including the table.  Resistance to anything pulls me back into the dream.  No more resisting, not even to no sleep tonight.  Apparently, when I pass out from exhaustion, it will be when I'm meant to rest.  Totally cool.  I think I can't screw this up.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on August 16, 2017, 10:30:26 pm
You have created all this in a similar manner to your creating you night dreams. Everything in that dream is dream material and all occurring with your human mind, with is another type of dream material. Dream on, but never think it's real.

Love ya, Jed
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on August 18, 2017, 06:25:16 pm
Yeah, yesterday I wrote...

It kind of hit me this morning that sometimes I'm thinking that what happens in the dream must matter somehow but then I saw that it didn't but strangely knowing this made the whole thing more pleasant in a sad kind of way like this is the big joke of it all.  I think from here I just kind of let go like there are a lot of things, ideas really, or hopes and dreams that are basically destroyed whe this is realized.  And my own death staring me down, thinking now, how could I have been so stupid to have lived so long this other way, you know the things I might have enjoyed if I'd only known. 

Then today, i was driving to work and I was listening to the most exquisite piece of music and suddenly, it was like I was a character in a cartoon or an absurd movie reminded me of "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" for some reason.  Everything became rather small, like toys.  Total trip, very cool.  Nothing is ever wrong seems to be sinking in now.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on August 19, 2017, 09:42:06 am
 :P :P :P
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: alyosha on August 24, 2017, 12:39:27 pm

thought -> feeling -> judge feeling terrible -> how get rid of? -> more thought -> rinse -> repeat

cure for thought isn't more thought.

cure for thought is stop believing thought will bring peace.


Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on August 26, 2017, 03:35:50 am
Excellent, now go for it... but don't think about it...

Love ya, Jed
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on August 28, 2017, 02:39:55 am
I feel an energy now, it's very soothing, very calm, familiar too.  If I have a thought, it's just, everything is okay, everything is finally okay now or what a long strange trip it's been.  Did I even go anywhere?  I think I've never been anywhere else, this whole time feels like it was just a minute now.  I've always just been right here all along, safe and sound.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on August 28, 2017, 04:53:50 am
Excellent S:

Same same here...

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on September 06, 2017, 11:53:00 pm
I have one thing to say to my false self and this is it:

OMG, just STOP!  It has all been BULLSH*T.  You are not now, nor have you ever, been doing anything.  So quiet down now and relax.  Nothing is wrong.  All is well.

Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on September 07, 2017, 04:23:03 am
Excellent Plan my dear.

Love ya, Jed.

P.S. you might have to repeat it a few times... yeh, sure....
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on September 09, 2017, 07:54:26 pm
Agreed, how ever many times it takes.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on September 10, 2017, 07:19:48 am
That's the attitude I like to hear.

Love ya, Jed
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on September 29, 2017, 10:57:46 pm
Just chillin now.  Doesn't seem to be anywhere to get to or do.  What ever comes comes or goes goes I'd say.  Feels all all right to me.  I'm not seeing a choice in the matter, if I push I just get pushed back so I tried that until it sunk it that it's better this way, actually it's great this way, no freaking stress and I'm not worried because I finally realized that "consciousness" has my back in a way that I never could.  Thinking has slowed way down.  Who knew?  Feels so easy.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on September 30, 2017, 12:17:21 am
Of course it's easy... if you don't resist it.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on September 30, 2017, 12:32:03 pm
Well, it seems like a very thorough and insidious brainwashing has occurred that told me life was hard but I don't believe that anymore.  It seems outrageous to me now how many ridiculous ideas I have believed my whole life that literally sucked the life out of me and turned me into such a pathetically small and painful entity.  Kind of really pisses me off, all the so called experts and authorities on just about every subject, laughable. 

This always reminds me of when I found out they were using corporal punishment on children. A kindergarten teacher had brought a paddle into my son's class and threatened the whole class with it.  Then she left it on her desk as a reminder to behave.  I took my kids out of school while my whole family (for years and still continues) berated me for ruining their lives since now they wouldn't get a "proper" education as if fearfully submitting yourself to an outside authority was a good thing.  And all these years I actually doubted myself about it, questioned myself if I was doing the right thing and afraid if I wasn't.  I mean how is it even possible that I needed to question myself that keeping my children away from people who thought it was good and proper to physically strike them with a board  at any cost was a better way to go?  I can't even begin to tell you how much pain this caused me and that was just one thing out of millions.

No more, now I just walk around and i can't take anyone seriously.  I mean the whole thing is so backwards, upside down and just nonsense.  My favorite is when someone is talking and they start with "the reality of it is...."and I just think to myself "you should just stop talking now."  Or sometimes I say it out loud and start laughing.  OMG, these are good times.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on October 01, 2017, 05:00:13 am
I just walk around and i can't take anyone seriously.  I mean the whole thing is so backwards, upside down and just nonsense.  My favorite is when someone is talking and they start with "the reality of it is...."and I just think to myself "you should just stop talking now. Hey, did you write that for me, or did I write that.

Yep, it's perfectly backwards, but without that experience you may not appreciate you GBBS... or growth beyond B.S.

I would have taken my kid out too.. and probably taken that paddle with me.

Love ya, Jed
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on October 05, 2017, 07:25:03 pm
Well, apparently just taking a picture of it was against the rules I was told and they had more than I could carry comfortably so I just got out of there.  As we were all being escorted off property, I was like "come on, lets post it on you tube"  LOL
 
Now I just leave little minds to little worlds.

And the thought came to me today, suddenly out of the blue?  No, probably not.

"The difference between wishing for things and knowing you can have them is, well on the most important and practical level, everything."

So I'm setting my sights about my life, a whole lot higher today.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on October 07, 2017, 10:19:08 pm

That being said well "My life" doesn't "mean" anything.   The truth is I seem to be drifting more and more into a place where I just don't give a "f*ck what does happen.  I mean I don't see that I really have any control over any of it so why bother getting upset when the sh*t goes south?  Am I missing something?

People are particularly boring to me, especially and including the thoughts that are still running like tapes through my own mind,

Music is about the only thing that I really like right now.  The whole love and compassion thing, well I have that with my kids and my dogs, everyone else, I don't go out of my way to be mean to anyone but you know I'm not bubbling over with niceness.  Actually the whole "niceness" card that so many people are playing is rather nauseating. 

I'm not anti-social.  It's just that I don't mind being alone anymore, I actually prefer it.  Go figure, all the years I wished I had more friends and now I don't want any.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on October 08, 2017, 12:24:39 am
Change happens, even in a dream.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on October 16, 2017, 07:48:49 pm
Jed help, my children who are all 3 teenagers, well I don't know how to guide them, they. Basically think I'm crazy and I am sitting here knowing that everything is playing out exactly as it does.  Insight?
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on October 16, 2017, 08:23:03 pm
And I am starting to act differently because of everything I know.  So where I was basically a servant to their every whim, now I'm just not too worried about going a different way if you know what I mean?  They want to attack me when things don't go their way and I' am here but not.  Who can they attack?  I don't seem to understand except that I remember but you should know I am fading away.  I look around and I just look at stuff and it's all just amusing to me.  I'm happy beyond belief.  I'm not worried about much.  Yeah, much?  No nothing. 
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on October 18, 2017, 12:04:01 am
Nothing wrong with being happy. I enjoy it.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on November 07, 2017, 09:08:01 pm
Oh Wow!

That's all.

I can't seem to get with the words right now except to say that raspberries are amazing and I could eat them at every meal or as the meal.

But you know, who cares?

Love ya,
Sandra
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on November 08, 2017, 02:58:14 am
 ;) ;) ;)
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on November 16, 2017, 06:24:57 pm
What choice do we have?
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on November 16, 2017, 09:33:49 pm
Words are of little use. Look and see for yourself. Do you know what your next thought will be?  ??? ??? ???

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on November 17, 2017, 06:44:52 pm
Sad
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on November 17, 2017, 09:39:43 pm
Sad is just a story, no need to believe it.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on November 19, 2017, 09:30:08 am
Is there any part of us that can write their own story even if that’s just another story?  Or does fully recognizing that it is all just a story and therefore not being the story but observing the story make for a more comfortable time?  Other than not be affected by it already makes it more pleasant?
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on November 20, 2017, 06:29:53 am
Select the latter...

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on November 21, 2017, 01:19:16 am
Oh my God, Oh God, Holy Sh*t, really?  What the?  I almost can't believe it.  Is it?  Damn!!!
This is so over the top, What a farce?  A great big hoax?  Oh my God.  No wonder it never made any sense.  It was never intended to make any sense?  Whoa, this is a freaking trip! 

I have to say I'm a little nervous.  I don't know why, the other way is some screwed up sh*t, it's like how much time has actually passed, no, nothing.  But why, just to experience something?  Looks like the whole thing got a little out of hand, except that it's not actually here?  Not really happening?  Yeah, feels a little scary.

Your response will be greatly appreciated.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on November 21, 2017, 08:26:56 am
Of course it feels scary, you are so used to the lie.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on November 22, 2017, 06:50:02 pm
So what's the point?  Nothing?  Just being?  Just sit back and watch what is appearing for no other reason than to watch what's appearing?  Like all this time I was on a raft trying to paddle it upstream, never going anywhere, wearing myself out with worry and expectations and goals and fantasies and nightmares (mostly nightmares) and now I just let go and let the current take me where ever it wants to go?

It seems like this but a great sense of peace comes over me when I contemplate the futility of the situation.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on November 22, 2017, 07:36:32 pm
Nothing wrong with a great sense of peace.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on November 24, 2017, 10:16:48 am
I would say the hardest part of it all for me is destroying the concept of good and bad and the persistent idea that something, anything, should be, should appear differently than it does.  And the paradox is that in those moments of suffering and confusion, the realization that the whole thing is designed "to wake you up."
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on November 25, 2017, 12:44:18 am
Yes, they always point back to source, you.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on November 25, 2017, 02:43:15 pm
My mind will stop at nothing to get me to turn back, nothing is to low for it, that is how great it’s fear is of being destroyed. But I say further, I can not be destroyed. 
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on November 25, 2017, 06:58:17 pm
The more you realize you mind's trap the more you will come to appreciate it's hold and perhaps be even more motivated to go further.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on November 26, 2017, 12:28:01 am
How do I go further? Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated and followed desperately.  Please advise.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on November 26, 2017, 06:26:54 pm
If you are really serious then join the Series.

Otherwise, just be patient, relax, and breathe... and you might just tell yourself all that time.. "This is just a dream''. That sorta counters everyone and everything telling you ''THIS IS REAL!''.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on November 29, 2017, 05:26:44 pm
I would already be in the Series if Maya wasn't messing with my flow of money.  Well, she goes where it hurts the most I'd say, wherever she can get my attention and fill me with fear.  My biggest attachment is to my children and money and the children are connected of course. 

Anything you can say about that?  Since my money isn't just set at a salary, any amount can appear at any time or not.  The best I can figure so far is just to not give a sh8t one way or the other. 
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on November 30, 2017, 01:24:37 am
Take care of your children and your familial obligations first. As for money, you will find more comes the less you care about it.

Of course that's counter-intuitive but most Truthish things are.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on December 05, 2017, 06:02:45 pm
I would say I only care about money to the extent that I can give it to my children.  I had to explore whether that was because I wanted them to think I'm the best or something, and that was always my motivation in the past but I'm letting go more and more now.  Now I just want to make their dream as pleasing as possible.  I have the notion that even when they are grown-up, I will continue to work and give any money I have to them after my basic needs are met since I don't need it anymore for anything else.  Money doesn't buy happiness in or out of the dream but they'll have to figure that out for themselves.  Maybe happiness can only be had by making others happy and that's why I thought of that, how selfish of me. 

If I do the Series it will be hard for me to spend that kind of money on myself but my motivation is that I could hardly guide my own children without actually knowing what is really going on.  My other motivation is more selfish and that is that I would like to AVOID ever being reborn into this ignorant state ever again. 

It occurred to me yesterday that I have very few memories from my own childhood, even my whole life, so much of what happens on a day to day basis is just completely wiped out.  In a few months, I won't remember the contents of this very email.  Well, I was thinking about how vaguely unimportant almost everything really is. 

Is anything important?  Important to who?  Maybe that's just it.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on December 05, 2017, 09:52:29 pm
Can you imagine something being important when there is not ''I, me, my or mine'' for it to be important to?

That goes to show how unimportant importances are, but that doesn't stop them from being pretty sticky at times.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on December 09, 2017, 07:24:28 pm
Very, very sticky, worse than superglue on the eyelids.  The only thing that brings any relief at all is when I can come to a place where I'm convinced without a doubt that it (my life or whatever is happening) is not real.  Why don't I just be completely convinced already then?  Things seem to be become really pleasant when I am.  I've seen the evidence, how much evidence do I need?  This is what I ask myself so much.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on December 10, 2017, 09:13:00 am
Just stop thinking about it.. and you will have it.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on December 10, 2017, 08:57:52 pm
When I read your last reply, something clicked, and I realized that I could easily see that it wasn't real and that the others didn't know that they weren't real but I forgot one thing, one very important detail was missing.  "I" the one thinking about all these things isn't real either.  So all the thinking, and all the feelings that all that thinking created...well I wanted to knock myself over the head.  Whew, thank god.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on December 11, 2017, 01:36:55 am
Excellent, and a big relief.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on December 26, 2017, 03:38:14 am
About a month and a half left and then I can start the Series.  Just hanging on until then, things feel very up and down, in and out, forget and remember, feelings from stupid thoughts suck, always coming and then going, up and down, day in and day out.  I need to learn how to breathe.  That is a thought I just had.  Sleep is also very unpredictable just like the whole thing.  I just can't know.  I should probably get used to that one and just watch it. 
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on December 29, 2017, 01:20:04 pm
Who can I talk to and about what?  I can’t talk about the future because there isn’t one.  I can’t talk about the past because it never happened and truly pointless.  I can’t talk about this stuff because no one else knows about it and they’d just say I’m crazy.  Nobody is really here anyway, everyone is just a jumble of chaotic thoughts.  I don’t even believe most of my own thoughts. I just feel very empty.  And alone and I know that this is just another story which isn’t true.  So what do I do, tell myself any stories I like better?  I honestly think I might try that, my old stories are trash anyway and I should at least attempt to amuse myself.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on December 30, 2017, 06:33:33 am
Dear S:

Why talk to anyone. Look at your basic assumption... that you must talk. I suggest you STOP TALKING. No one is going to understand you anyways... so why talk. I am dead serious. Do you think you will explode if you don't talk? NO, but you might explode if you shut up.. and that would be very desirable in my experiences.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on December 30, 2017, 11:34:44 am
I actually like this advice a lot.  I wish I could wear a sign at work that says I had taken a vow of silence but that seems over the top especially for a casino dealer.  Can you even imagine it?  And yet it would make my job so much more enjoyable.  Talking does just drag me down because it begs to be taken seriously, dragging me back to the dream state and all you can think afterwards is “well that was all a load of crap.” 

When someone sits down at my table I’m required to say “Hi so and so using their name, I’m so and so using my name, good luck and please let me know if there’s anything else you need.”  I basically have to stifle a gag reflex to get that out a thousand times a night.

Sometimes I think I don’t make the big tips because I suck at bullshitting and my bullshit sounds like bullshit because I am painfully aware of bullshit but then I see that the money thing pretty much is taking care of itself. But seriously not talking would be such a relief so I’ll just shut up now.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on December 31, 2017, 01:23:00 am

You customer is unlikely to change, company policy is set in stone. Question for me is how rigid/flexible are you? Try this next time you have to blurb the b.s.

Practice once or twice a day only. Take a breath and open your heart up. Imagine the customer opening their heart as well. Be prepared to give anything, your life, bear his children, nurture him/her on their deathbed, even take a bullet for him or her... well, maybe not for HRC... not sure I could bring myself to that one.

Recognize that they are just lonely frightened children in an adult body... the don't have a clue. I know this to be an absolute fact, otherwise they would never have stepped into a casino.

I use the horseshoe method in casinos... if I happen to walk into one (probably once every year or two just to test their metal detectors) I apply the horseshoe, I watch my feet walk in a rather large horseshoe shape which takes me back out the door I came in.

Loosing a lot of money in a Cambodian casino can cost you a kidney if you can't pay... and while I joke a lot, I don't joke about body parts reduction.

Love ya, Jed.

P.S. If you can gently touch a male customer, perhaps on the sleeve of shoulder just once, then do it. If he is with a girl friend try this.. "Just let me know if there is anything I can do for you and your wife'' and if she has a wedding ring.. try this.. ''Just let me know if I can do anything for you and your lovely girl friend (or lady friend)''. Have a little fun for Christ sake... I'm absolutely sure he had an incredible sense of humor.... just look at the churches that evolved from him.

P.P.S. I can't believe I said that... dear...
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on December 31, 2017, 10:32:28 am
Dear Jed,

I will try your suggestion.  Some of the most kind hearted generous people you'll ever meet are gamblers.  I don't like the name thing because it immediately creates the illusion of separation, me and you.  It's true I should have more fun but I seemed to have missed the instructions on that part of the human experience somehow. 

The casino can be the friendliest place ever one minute and a hellish nightmare the next, depending on how the cards are falling.  It's curious how when people are winning they think we are somehow doing it together and when they are losing, I am doing it to them.  The most arrogant, usually extremely rich people love a version of this logic the most.  When they are winning it's all their doing (and they won't share a dime of it with you) and when they are losing they literally tell anyone who will listen what a horrible dealer you are right in front of you.  I do realize that they are just big children who don't have a clue.

To be honest, I don't know why some people win and others don't other than that's the name of the game.  If I could let everyone win, all the time, I would do that even the most unpleasant ones.  Luckily, no one is losing any body parts where I work as we don't give any credit, not to anyone so you can only lose what you already have.

On many occasions now,  I've witnessed that just talking about consciousness at the lightest level maybe even in jest  (for instance someone might say "Let me win" and I might say without any thought, "I would if I was actually here" and they might say "What do mean you aren't here?" And I might say, "Haven't you heard, it is all a dream, and everybody knows it, I'm shocked that this is just getting to you, where have you been?" will bring about some kind of magic where the cards are highly favorable like literally a royal flush might appear and I'm not shocked at all.  Like there is something to this and I know it.

I'll see how many people I can tap on the shoulder tonight.  Could be a lot.

S
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on December 31, 2017, 10:26:26 pm
That's the spirit.. good on ya.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on January 04, 2018, 03:27:59 am
Good and bad, no, real and unreal, yes, and everyone playing their parts so perfectly, constant surprise and delight, what will they do, what will happen next, on a great big stage called the world. Oh wow ok, I see this.  It’s the theater of the utterly absurd, no wonder it’s not fair and it makes no sense.  Predictable is not fun.  Tripping.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on January 04, 2018, 04:46:33 am
Me too baby....

 8) 8) 8) 8)

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on January 08, 2018, 12:59:12 am
And what part shall I play? I never know.  Or maybe I’ll just quit playing, this game is getting old, same story again and again and again.  It’s a wonder more people don’t get tired of it.  I feel like I need something else to look at someday.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on January 08, 2018, 04:09:47 am
Take a moment an look into the eyes of those around you... really look. You will probably find they are desperately tired of their story, but their story doesn't include a way to escape their story.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on January 08, 2018, 09:37:07 pm
I'm not really around anyone except my kids when I'm not at work.  I will look though and I thought about other people and it seems that my perception has always been that everyone else is fine the way they are.  Not that their stories have all worked out but that they at least have a story to be in.  Apparently, I've felt I had no story at all, that I was just too insignificant to even mention and getting smaller, smaller and smaller.

This was probably not a good idea but I quit nicotine at the appropriate time, just before the new year, and it was surprisingly easy at first (I just put it that I was not my body and that was that) but now it seems I'm being flooded with mostly unpleasant emotions.  My logic in quitting though was that it seemed that I was always "having to take the edge off" of every moment and I thought, you know, for once I should just go to the edge and see what it's all about. 

So now I'm at the edge, just hanging on to the only hope I have left, that I will escape. 
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on January 09, 2018, 12:37:55 am
Try breathing... it's a great alternative to smoking... but smoking is based on breath also. Just leave of the carcinogens.

Love ya, Jed.

P.S. I guess I am not above having an opinion and since my best friend died from smoking right in front of me at age 47... I do have an opinion about it. Only a complete idiot would do it and thereby shorten their time in the dream and thus reduce their chances of realizing their True Nature. There, I said it.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on January 09, 2018, 06:08:14 pm
Thanks for your opinion.  Your use of the word “idiot “ was highly effective.  I’m feeling mildly euphoric from all the breathing I’m doing, I don’t know why I do what I do anymore, but what I do now is so much more pleasant than what I used to do.  Back to jogging this week, it’s not the same activity it was before, ( before it was a means to an end ). And now it just feels good to move and breathe.  There’s something to this breathing thing all right.

Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on January 10, 2018, 02:56:13 am
Wow... someone is listening. You are making my day!

Love ya, Jed
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on January 11, 2018, 11:26:26 pm
Wow, I make your day, you make my week.    I seem to be really "happy" to be off the smoking thing (well I was vaping, same thing really).  It seems to me that the very thing I used to "take the edge off" was what was causing the discomfort (vague persistent anxiety)  in the first place. 

At any rate, a burden feels like it has been lifted.  Went jogging this morning, the temp was freezing or below but I was bundled up and the air just felt so fresh.  I had the most beautiful music streaming through my headphones, and after a mile or two, I just finally felt so grateful to be alive, like despite all the so called utter failures of my worldly life, I just wanted to laugh and cry, both, and I couldn't help thinking "how lucky am I".  How many people get to do this?  Just this? 

And I'm not imagining it (well maybe I am) but magic is in the air.

Thank you.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on January 12, 2018, 02:17:06 am
Yes... and it's everywhere if one is awake to it... enjoy your day, mine is probably close to 40C. but with a nice ocean breeze.

Love ya, Jed.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on January 13, 2018, 11:58:47 pm
I definitely prefer warm weather.  The hotter the better but going along with what’s here for now.  I can not imagine what it would be like anymore to not have an escape plan.  I can’t even stand the thought of it.  To be honest, I don’t know how I survived so long without one. 
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on January 14, 2018, 12:16:09 am
 ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) :D :D
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Sandraanne on January 16, 2018, 09:37:56 pm
I feel like I don't know what I thought I knew and I know who doesn't like that.  So I'm doing a lot of deep breathing, since my distraction of constantly vaping is gone, and I guess I can breathe again or I'm starting to.  I thought I knew what breathing was and then it got deeper and then once again I thought I knew, but it got deeper still and so it goes, so I guess I just don't know, which is probably for the best.  At any rate, it's cold as hell here like 5 degrees so we are all just stuck in this house safe and sound.  I guess you can't be anywhere else except where you are so that's that as well.  I mean what can I really know?  Nothing?  God I hope not.  There must be something out here somewhere.
Title: Re: When it feels real but you know it isn't.
Post by: Jed McKenna on January 21, 2018, 03:38:33 am
Look ''out there'' and you will create a universe.. don't look and nothing exists.... look really closely and nothing exists as well.... conclusion, nothing really exists.

Love ya, Jed.