Sometimes there are glimpses of 'wow, oh my God, there is ... nothing. It is not definable. Oh my God... swoooosh...........' and then my mind/I come in and say: 'No no no no, I'd rather have all the suffering in the world, all the pain, I do not care! Everything is better but losing control! I will stick to my ego, I am my ego, awesome. I am free and at the same time I can stick to my ego'. Funny game! Or not, help!